Thank you, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, in our never-ending quest for novelty, we went to Iceland to taste a beer made out of whale bones that was supposed to turn us into "true Vikings." And, 27 tankards later, it worked: we ended up pillaging small villages on the way to the airport to take us home. Not only did the trip pay for itself, but we are considered god-kings throughout the Icelandic countryside!
Enjoy,At least 24 students have died from an overdose of satire. The trigger appears to have been an article about 24 students having died of overdoses of marijuana, which caused their (the group of students from the first sentence, not this sentence) brains to seize up and stop regulating the functioning of their bodies.
"In past years, we found this reaction to too much irony in the culture," said medical linguist Emile "Papa" Doctorow. "I find the fact that a mutant strain of this lethal condition has found a home in satire to be very troubling. Very troubling, indeed."
Is it possible that reports of students overdosing on satire are themselves are a form of satire? "That would mean that the disease has spread to meta self-reference," Doctorow commented. "If that were the case, substantial sectors of the population would be at risk!"
There are no known cures for the disease, but at risk populations are advised to restrict their media diet to Walt Disney films made before 1993 and avoid The Daily Show and The Colbert Report at all costs.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=47322641310041314621fx]
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Considering How Few Fish Are Left In Our Oceans, You Have To Wonder What's In All Those Books...
The Department of Fisheries and Oceans has shut down several libraries, sending huge numbers of books of historical data into landfill. Furious environmental scientists are asking why.
"Most of that information was digitized and available over the Internet," explained Fisheries and Oceans Minister Gail Shea, "because, frankly, it was too expensive to digitize the holdings of the libraries and make them available over the Internet."
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Because, Really, Who Has Time To Write 140 Characters?
Statistics show that 80 per cent of world leaders have Twitter accounts. But, these stats can be misleading. Only three of those leaders actually send messages they have personally written; the accounts of the others are managed by subordina -
Sorry, now only two world leaders manage their own Twitter accounts. The other was just overthrown by a religious mob that was furious that he sent out a series of tweets about Sandra Bullock's ankles.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/140111/geeklynews/statsdamnstatsandtechstats01.htm]
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Mister Christie, You're A Petty Cookie! (With Traffic Jam Icing!)
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie took a record seventeen hours to apologize for an incident in which members of his office closed roads, resulting in a four day traffic jam on a bridge that joins New Jersey to Manhattan. Their intent was to punish the Democratic mayor of Fort Lee because he refused to endorse Christie in his last re-election bid; delaying school buses and first responders was, apparently, just a bonus.
The speech wasn't so much an apology as it was a trial run filibuster in case Christie decides to run for a Senate seat in 2016. Christie ran through the five stages of grief in the first two minutes of it, then spent the balance praising HBO's Game of Thrones.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2014/ALLPOLITICS/01/10/reps.main/index.html]
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"I Mean, It's Not Like They Couldn't Tell Something Was Wrong On Their Own!"
Canada Post has explained that recent delays in delivery of mail of up to two weeks were a trial run for ending home delivery entirely. Not for their customers - for their carriers. "We were afraid some carriers would continue doing their rounds even after we stopped home service - you know, out of habit," explained Canada Post Spokesperson Joe Hamilton. "This way, we eased them into the idea that they would no longer be going to people's homes."
Asked why residents weren't informed of the delivery problems, Hamilton stated: "Why would we do that?"
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e3-4c18-bs9b-07b608cc48bc]
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Is There A Room For Two In Your Religious Accommodation?
YourK University has rejected a request by a student who is a believer in the Church of the Bed Hidden Nordlinger not to work with other students who have clearly had a good night's sleep.
"Beds are for hiding under, not sleeping on," said third year Criminology of Gum student Archibald Modescue. "I should not have to do a group assignment with students who do not share my beliefs. For one thing, I may be exposed to ideas that are against my religion, and my beliefs are a delicate flower that could wither and die. For another, their work ethic will definitely make me look bad."
Professor Paul Grayson, who teaches the course Modescue is in, refused to accommodate his request. "Vegetarians...Shriners...women -" he muttered, "once you start down this road, there's no telling where it will end!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=47322641310041314627fx]
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Going Above And Beyond The Cull Of Duty
A permit to kill an endangered African black rhino sold at auction for $350,000. How does the rhino feel about this?
"I was hoping for a cool mil - I think the imminent demise of my species deserves at least that much!" the rhino, whose name is Ogumbo, coolly commented. "But, hey, these are times of diminished expectations, and $350,000 isn't something to sneeze at!"
When told that all money raised by the auction would go towards protecting his species, Ogumbo the black rhino snorted and said, "If they wanted to protect the species, they could start by not killing me!"
After a couple of seconds of thought, he grinned and said, "Aww, I tease. But, seriously, I hope to give the anonymous bidder who bought the permit a good chase, to make the hunt as exciting for him as possible. If he wants, I'd be happy to gore him with my horn - you know, to give him the full black rhino hunting experience. Tell him to have his people call my people, and we'll see what we can arrange!"
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=311]
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