Thank you, Terpsichore Naiad, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we noticed that a lot of media outlets featured retrospective articles about 2013. Worst Plot Twists in TV Shows of 2013 Featuring Multiple Pulitzer Prize Winners, Best New Toys of 2013 That Retail for Less Than $20 That Probably Won't Poison Your Toddlers, 2013's Most Flamboyant, Outrageous or Absurd Deaths of People You Otherwise Would Never Have Heard Of - you know, that sort of thing.
We'd like to assure our readers that we have no plans to do anything like that ourselves. Why would we want to review what happened during the year - wasn't living through it bad enough?
Enjoy,Charity Begins In The House (Although Good Luck Getting It Approved By The Senate!)
When they went after the charities dealing with Muslims, I didn't do anything because I am Christian.
When they went after the charities dealing with the environment, I didn't do anything because I lived in the city.
When they went after the charities dealing with immigrants and immigration, I didn't do anything because I was a native.
When they went after the charities dealing with women, I didn't do anything because I am a man.
When they went after the charities dealing with animal welfare, I didn't do anything because I don't care much about wild creatures.
Now they have come after my charity, and there's nobody left to cosponsor a fundraising event with us.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Merry Diplomatic Row!
Santa Claus has been given a Canadian passport - did you hear about this? Yeah. It really happened. But, the joke's on him - the passport was issued by the Israeli government!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-12-22-13]
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How Are Those Insurance Ads Working For You, Gordie?
Dear Melancholy Roger,
I couldn't disagree more with your harsh review of Martin Scorsese's new film The Wolf of Wall Street, which I thought was fantastic. Not only was it a love letter to the free market system, but its portrayal of stock traders heroically saving capitalism from ignorant, mooching masses and fickle politicians was spot on!
I'll admit it: I teared up. More than once.
I think the problem is that you didn't realize that Jordan Belfort was the good guy, not a villain. After all, he built a corporate empire from practically nothing, and was responsible for employing a large number of people (even if they were drug dealers and prostitutes - at least it kept them off the streets!). In a better world, he would have been recognized as the hero of the tale for his uncompromising pursuit of his vision of capitalism, not the government weasels in law enforcement who hounded him into prison!
I expect a full retraction in the immediate future.
Sincerely,SOURCE: Melancholy Roger's Reviews
[http://roger.melancholyreviews.blogspeck.com]
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What Do You Do When The Glass Is Half A Minute's Plane Fare?
TED: I'm going to Petro-Canada.
WINNIFRED: Why? You don't drive.
TED: To get me a glass!
WINNIFRED: Don't we have enough glasses in the house?
TED: Part of the proceeds of sales of the glass will go to Canada's Olympic team.
WINNIFRED: Why not just give money directly to Canada's Olympic team?
TED: Then what would I drink out of?
WINNIFRED: One of the glasses we already have?
TED: You obviously don't understand how consumer charity works!
WINNIFRED: Obviously not.
TED: Sooooo...gimme a lift to the nearest Petro-Can station?
Winnifred sighs.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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"In Practice, I Was Watching Breaking Bad, But I Won't Admit It Because I Don't Want You To Get Any Ideas..."
My parents have been watching The Big Bang Theory, except when they talk about it, they always leave the last word off the title. I guess when you're as old as they are, you have to save time wherever you can. Still, I find it annoying. So, the next time one of them asks, "Did you see the latest Big Bang?" I'm gonna answer: "In Theory."
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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It's Funny Because We're Screwed
STATEMENT: We need to move beyond thinking in terms of right or left.
TRANSLATION: As a member of the right, I am satisfied that my ideas dominate the intellectual landscape, and would now like to see them normalized so that nobody can challenge them.
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=787&dir=bb]
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Maybe They Should Ask Marge Gunderson To Investigate
A train carrying 100 cars of crude oil from the Bakken fields - sound familiar? You already know where this is going, don't you? - derailed and exploded in North Dakota. This is the third incident involving rolling fireballs in less than six months.
"This was not a disaster," claimed Lynn Helms, director of North Dakota's Mineral Resources Department. "This was a...New Year's celebration - somebody, somewhere celebrates the new year with fireworks, right? Okay, it was a day early - but that just makes it a case of bad timing, is all, not a sad comment on our society's deadly reliance on oil."
"How many explosions have to cause so much death and destruction before we label oil companies terrorist organizations?" environmentalist David Suzuki mused smirkily.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2013-12-31-crude-calculations_x.htm]
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Touchy, But Not Feely
To the troglodytes who complained that Gal Gadot's breasts were too small for her to be able to realistically portray Wonder Woman - ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? NO WOMAN'S BREASTS ARE BIG ENOUGH TO PLAY A COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROINE IN A MOVIE!
Listen up, assholes! You need to get your head out of your...comic book collections and spend some time with real women!
I mean, honestly - have you never heard of CGI?
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$.htm#_)!(*)!*)*)*.htm#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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"No Need To Thank me - Helping Others Is Its Own Reward..."
"Look," Republican economic point man Paul Ryan explained, "the problem with programmes like food stamps and extended Employment Insurance is that they breed dependency. You shouldn't rely on the government to bail you out when things are bad - you need to learn to fend for yourself."
"Waaaaaaaah!" his three month old constituent responded.
"I'm not saying that it will be easy," Ryan agreed. "You will likely have to go through a...a period of adjustment. Those can be rough. But, ultimately, it will be best for you, and certainly best for the taxpayers who will be relieved of the burden of having to pay for your food, housing and other frivolities. Do you understand?"
"Waaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"I'm sorry, but you can't argue with economics."
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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