Thank you, Yanick Yoyodyne, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we noted with schadenfreudical glee that the Toronto Star's Daniel Dale had served a libel notice against Rob Ford and Zoomer Media for statements Ford made in an interview with Conrad Black. Yes, that's Connie "Strategic Libel Lawsuit" Black. The irony was so thick, we had to use infrared goggles to be able to read the legal fine print! We're waiting for Black to whine that Canada's libel laws are too general and need to be tightened. What? You think that won't happen because it would deplete the country's chutzpah levels, leaving us with dangerously low stores of this precious commodity?
We have faith.
Enjoy,In an interview with Conrad Black on his Zoomer TV show, Mayor Rob Ford said about Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale, "He's taking photos of little kids. I don't want to say that word, but you start thinking, 'What's this guy all about?'"
When Black asked the Mayor what word he wouldn't say, Ford responded, "Oh, you know. It's a word for somebody who has a...an unnatural interest in children. You know: an interest that normal, decent people wouldn't share - couldn't even begin to imagine."
To Ford's growing frustration, Black said he still didn't know what word the Mayor meant. "You know when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much?" Ford explained. "Well, that's something you're not supposed to do with children. And, the word I'm thinking of is a word for people who do that with children. Little children. Children you're not supposed to do that with. Are you getting the idea?"
Black claimed that he got the idea, although it looked more like he had given up trying to understand and just wanted to move on to the subject of how much Police Chief Bill Blair hated Mayor Ford.
When asked the next day if he regretted what he had said on the show, Mayor Ford answered: "I stand by every word of what I almost but didn't exactly come out and said."
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1178591831492&call_pageid=903338078492&col=672666972154]
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It Means They Play With Legos When The Court Is In Recess
SCHMETZBERGER: Justice Scalia, you and other members of the Roberts court have called yourselves "strict constructionists." what is a strict constructionist?
SCALIA: We judge laws that have been passed by Congress based on the intent of the Framers of the Constitution.
SCHMETZBERGER: What if the Framers had meant the Constitution to be a living document that was reinterpreted anew by each generation?
SCALIA: Obviously, if that were the case my head would explode. However, since, as you can plainly see, my head is still on my -
BOOM!
SCHMETZBERGER: For...for Weekend Relapse, this is Randy Schmetzberger.
PAUSE
SCHMETZBERGER: Can somebody please get me a towel?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227516]
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A new pro-Conservative, anti-union group calling itself Working Canadians has been created in anticipation of an election in Ontario next year. How is this organization different from the 217 Tory grassroots astroturf organization already at work in the province?
"Mine," said WC leader Erin Erehwon, "goes to 11."
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/province/never-trust-a-group-whose-initials-are-also-an-acronym-for-toilets/]
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Unless The Liberals Become The Government, In Which Case We Will Gleefully Expose Their Plot To Kill Old People
Seniors will be most inconvenienced by Canada Post's move to curtail home delivery. But, they're going to die soon, the Harper government of Canada said, so we don't really have to give their concerns much attention.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20131213.eladvote1213_@/BNStory/newsOops2013/]
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The Only Halfways Decent Character On Family Guy And They Did WHAT To Him?!
"They killed Brian!"
"You bastards!"
But, I, uhh, may be getting my adult cartoons a little mixed up, here...
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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He's Just Dying For Attention
Senator Mike Duffy is recovering from open-heart surgery, the second time he has undergone the procedure to clear blocked arteries. Are there no lows to which he won't stoop in order to gain public sympathy?
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-07b657cc48ec]
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Good Girls Don't, But Atwood
Canadian author Margaret Atwood is the latest literary giant to sign a petition urging the United Nations to draft a bill of digital rights that would curtail government spying on the online activities of citizens.
Giggles Googleheim, who would neither confirm nor deny that she is a spokesrodent for Communications Security Establishment Canada, shrugged off the news. "It's no big whup," she commented. "We learned that Atwood was planning on taking this action weeks ago..."
SOURCE: StunnedTV
[http://www.stunnednewsnetwork.ca/shows/lots-of-alarms-and-no-surprises.html]
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And, If The Worst Case Scenario Does Come To Pass, Well, After A Few Years Nobody Was Likely To Remember What Canada Was Anyway
The Canadian government will not be building space arks so that citizens can escape the imminent ecological collapse of the planet.
"We found a clause in an omnibus bill passed in 2011," said Conservative Prime Minister Spliuff Bfflpizk, "that strictly forbade any future government from spending money 'to save the Canadian population from ecological destruction, the sun going supernova or the heat death of the universe - nyah nyah - whattaya gonna do about it?'"
Opposition leader Mina Ouoazia pointed out that this put Canada in the same boat (metaphorically speaking) as such third world countries as Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and the United States of Vespuccia. "Are we seriously going to allow millions of Canadians to die because of an obscure passage in a law that nobody paid any attention to for over 147 years?"
The Prime Minister was certain that the worst case scenarios would not come to pass. "My government is confident that the private sector will provide a vast array of options for Canadians of all income levels to deal with this disaster that nobody could have seen coming," he smirked. "Nope. It was a complete surprise. Who could have seen this on the horizon? Nobody. Nobody at all."
"Now, if you will excuse me," he added, "I have to go. Wouldn't want to be late for the Parliamentary shuttle that will take everybody in my government to the safety of the Moon Base!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=34392646904641557687fx]
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