Thank you, Xavier Xenophobe, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Merry Christmas! Or, as we non-Christians like to think of it, December.
Enjoy,Be Thankful It's Not Conrad Black Friday
As a shopping consultant, I am delighted that Canadians are embracing the American tradition of Black Friday. However, your...national character appears to be getting in the way of proper enjoyment of the event. In future, please keep in mind:
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/international/2013-11-27-a-little-unfriendly-advice_x.htm]
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J. G. Ballard Ain't Got Nothin' On This Guy!
Actor Paul Walker, star of the popular Fast and Furious movie franchise, died when his Porsche GT crashed and exploded in an area believed to be used for drag racing. Yes! This is Method Acting taken to the max! I can't wait to see how Weller uses this experience in his next movie!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0178350/]
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And, Not Just Any Eye, But The Piece's Third Eye - You Know, The One That Can See The Future Of Your Investment In Baltic Avenue!
Senate Conservatives are blocking an opposition move to have Michael Runia, a partner at Deloitte, testify about a phone call he made to a colleague about the audit of Mike Duffy's expenses. They say that such testimony will interfere with the RCMP's investigation of the allegation that the government interfered with the audit, and, in any case, the auditors involved have already testified that the call had no effect on their work, so that's all right, then.
So far, so typical. But, then, Claude Carignan, the Leader of the Government in the Senate, said, "I am a little disappointed to see the Liberals play these partisan games."
Seriously? The Conservatives created the board and the pieces and wrote the rules for how politics is played in Ottawa, and they're accusing the Liberals of playing partisan games? The Absurd Ironyometer may never be able to look a Monopoly top hat in the eye again!
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Leftovers Quickly Become Toxic - Dispose Of Them Immediately
Celebrity Chef Bombshell Surprise
INGREDIENTS
1 celebrity chefINSTRUCTIONS
Mix celebrity chef, former husband and assistants in a media blender for several days. Bring to a boil on the celebrity chef's second day of testifying in court. Just when the tension is becoming bearable, throw the celebrity confession of drug use into the pot. As things come to a boil, sprinkle tabloid newspaper coverage in to taste.
Serves a country of millions for three days.
SOURCE: Recipes for Disaster
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~marilyn/home]
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In the face of criticism for approving another addictive, generic form of painkiller oxycodone, Health Canada claimed that it "rigorously" assesses the safety and efficacy of all drugs before deciding whether to approve them.
"The rigor with which we test new drugs can only be described as rigorous," claimed Health Canada spokesperson Antonella Weaselwancher. "We read studies by Americans twice - that's right, not once, but twice. And...and...and we're not checking our email or watching Arrested Development on Netflix while we do it, either - no! No multitasking for us! Foreign medical studies get our complete attention!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EC-20K5-AAA1582614B711111]
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The Whole World Is Watching*
Are you surprised by the fact that Google has donated substantial amounts of money to support such rightwing nuttery as Grover Norquist's Americans for Tax Reform, the Federalist Society, the American Conservative Union and Heritage Action, the political arm of the Heritage Foundation? You should know by now that every corporate motto comes with an "*".
For example, Google's motto has always been: "Don't be evil*" That anybody would be surprised by this is the real surprise here.
"*...when anybody is watching"
*The Performance Of The Stocks In Their Portfolio
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/131205/geeklynews/01everythinggoesbetterwithjoke.htm]
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Showdown In Doh! Town
Hi, kids! Tommy Triggerhappy, Colt 45 here! I'm the devil-may-care, sophisticated but playful gun about town whose adventures fighting for truth, justice and lax firearms laws have kept generations of gun owners and their children entertained. Who didn't grow up crayoning in my colouring book stories or eating my breakfast cereal? I know you did!
My friends in the Canadian government are coming under fire for pushing regulations requiring gun manufacturers to imprint the year and country of origin on everything they make off the order papers for another two years. Eww! Seriously, who would want to put a tattoo on this glorious body? Hunh? Hunh? Amirite? Hunh? Critics of the Conservative government are shooting their mouths off about how the legislation is required by the United Nations Firearms Protocol and the Inter-American Convention Against the Illicit Manufacturing of and Trafficking in Firearms, both treaties that Canada has signed. Pfft! Shooting themselves in the foot, more like!
I mean, this is only the sixth time the government has put off enacting this legislation so that it could consult with my proud parents, gun manufacturers. On an issue as important as this, we wouldn't want the government to go off half-cocked, now, would we?
So, do Tommy Triggerhappy a favour, kids, and tell your parents to support the Conservative government's ban on desecrating poor, defenseless firearms. Cry if you have to - there's nothing to be ashamed about when you're helping an old friend get out of the line of fire.
And, remember: Tommy Triggerhappy sez that when it comes to gun control the only good legislation, is a dead legislation.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-47341837815063742cahs01.html]
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