Thank you, Popeye Pendergast, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Robert Plant turned 65. We'll never forget where we were when we heard the news: spitting up our muesli because we couldn't believe a Viagra ad was airing on Super Xtra Late Nite Teletoon!
Hey! Everybody experiences music-related traumas in their own way!
Enjoy,If You Kiss Enough Ass, People Will Give You The Bird
The Jewish National Fund's arm in Canada is raising money to build the Stephen J. Harper Hula Valley Bird Sanctuary Visitor and Education Centre. "I hope your Prime Minister appreciates the gesture," said JNF's Avi Ferdblerfer. "You have no idea how hard it is to get toucans to do the hula!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=3021851597645]
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Assad Statement On World Politics
BARACK OBAMA: Good news!
ALI AL-FALLADA: You're leading a coalition to depose Assad?
OBAMA: We have a deal that commits him to giving up his chemical weapons!
FALLADA: So, he can continue to kill us with conventional weapons?
OBAMA: Think about it! Assad won't be able to kill his own people with chemical weapons!
FALLADA: But, he will be able to kill us with conventional weapons.
OBAMA: Chemical weapons are worse!
FALLADA: Dead is dead.
OBAMA: There's only one...wrinkle.
FALLADA: Dead is - wrinkle?
OBAMA: Assad doesn't have to get rid of his chemical weapons until next month.
FALLADA: So, he actually can continue killing us with chemical weapons?
OBAMA: Only for a month. Assuming he doesn't find a way to hide stores of chemical weapons before the agreement kicks in. But, we would know if he dared to use them after the agreement takes effect.
FALLADA: And, what would you do then?
OBAMA: Negotiate a new agreement, of course!
FALLADA: Explain to me, please, how we got stuck with you negotiating this?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227515]
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Happy Now That You Have A Room Of Your OWN?
Although it got off to a rocky start, losing hundreds of millions of dollars in its first few years, the Oprah Winfrey Network has started to make money. How was Winfrey able to turn it around?
"I realized that what it needed more than anything was more cowbell," Winfrey said. "It had to have more cowbell!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2013/2013/09/03/doesthatsolutionringacowbell/]
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Palestinian Authority Take Note
Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that the federal government would help pay for the Toronto subway extension. Mayor Rob Ford, standing next to the Prime Minister when he made the announcement, was grinning so wide it was hard to see how the top of his head remained connected to its bottom.
When asked how much money the Harper Government of Canada intended to give the city, Harper responded, "I...we...we're going to give Toronto money. For a subway extension. I just announced it. I announced that we would be giving Toronto money. I made an announcement. But, you don't actually expect me to...give Toronto actual, you know, money, do you?
When reporters nodded, indicating that, yes, they actually did expect the federal government to give the city money, Harper muttered, "I've got...five bucks in my wallet. Let me see what my cabinet members are carrying and get back to you!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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And, When We Get To The Other Side, We'll Eat Our Oars
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Allowing Pig Pen To Speak Near An Open Mike Was Probably Not A Smart Move
7pm. CBS. It's a Conservative Party Policy Convention, Charlie Brown! Linus is excited when it seems that the Great Pumpkin is finally about to appear in the pumpkin patch. He doesn't know what to think when it turns out to be Ontario New Democratic Party leader Andrea Horvath.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Remember, UKIP Your Nose And UKIP Your Friends, But...
Godfrey Bloom, a member of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is under fire for responding to the comments of female party members about not cleaning behind the fridge with the statement, "This place is full of sluts." After the laughter died down, and the complaints started, Bloom claimed that he was using the word in its original meaning.
Hmm. "Slut" is based on a Norwegian word, "sluttibartfast," which literally means "the oxen have not mated in several weeks." It's hard to see how this make things better.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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HAROLD BLINTZ is sitting on a sofa, watching Battle of the Beyblades when the phone rings. He mutes the sound on the television and answers.
HAROLD BLINTZ: Hello.
SERGEANT GRAFFINI: Mister Blintz?
BLINTZ: Yes?
GRAFFINI: Harold Blintz?
BLINTZ: Yeeesssss...
GRAFFINI: This is Sergeant Randolph Graffini of the Ontario Provincial Police. How are you this evening?
BLINTZ: (uncertain) Good.
GRAFFINI: Enjoying a quiet night at home?
BLINTZ: Sure.
GRAFFINI: Your herniated septum not acting up?
BLINTZ: No. The drugs keep it under control. Look -
GRAFFINI: You think Powr Deranger has a shot at winning Battle of the Beyblades this year?
BLINTZ: How do you know...?
GRAFFINI: Lucky guess.
BLINTZ: What is this about?
GRAFFINI: What? Can't an officer of the law phone a random citizen out of the blue and make small talk?
BLINTZ: No. Shouldn't you be out...chasing bad guys or something?
GRAFFINI: Not to worry. We have plenty of people doing that...
BLINTZ: Does this have anything to do with the fact that I used to be a member of Greenpeace?
GRAFFINI: Wha - why would you - NO!
BLINTZ: Because, you know, that was over a decade ago. I assure you that I have no intention of testifying at the federal review panel looking into plans to bury low- and intermediate-level radioactive waste along the Lake Huron shoreline.
GRAFFINI: So, you don't have an opinion on Powr Deranger's chances?
BLINTZ: Tell you the truth, I'm not really paying attention. I was planning on heading off to bed in a few minutes.
GRAFFINI: Ah. Good...good, then...
BLINTZ: If that's all...
GRAFFINI: Well, now that you've brought up federal review panel...
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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