Thank you, Oprah O'Winigger, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Syria happened. You know the world has gone insane when a Democratic President wants a war that Republicans refuse to support.
Enjoy,"Oh, And Pay Their Fees," Levy Added. "That's Very Important - The Fee Paying."
Ryerson University, citing the age old legal precedent of "we don't wanna," has offered the City of Toronto an alternative to hanging the Sam the Record Man neon sign off its building on Yonge Street. Instead, it is willing to tape a mimeographed photo of the sign on a wall in the janitor's closet.
"Students shouldn't be getting any ideas about reneging on deals," said Ryerson President Sheldon Levy. "They still have to pass their fourth year history of Toronto landmarks course to graduate!"
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v57/i13/36a02601.htm]
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The Tao Of The Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has dropped three companies from its basket and added three more. Goldman Sachs makes sense - it's too big to fail, so it can pretty much do whatever it wants. Visa also makes sense - with record levels of personal debt, the company stands to make a killing. (As long as people are willing and able to pay it back, but that's what debtor's prisons are for.)
But, Nike? Why add Nike to the Dow?
If you think about it, the move does make sense. Debtors are going to have to run away from their credit card companies, and Goldman Sachs executives will have to run away from angry mobs with torches and pitchforks. Nike's future is bright, indeed.
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2013/9/07/basket-case/]
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Remember The Theory That Every Player In The Stock Market Should Have The Same Knowledge? They Didn't Either...
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1172034798]
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Unless You're Talking About Racism, The Only "Lynch Mob" I Want To Hear About Are Fans Of Jane's Performance On Glee
Do you have to be lobotomized to become a Canadian Senator?
Conservative Senator Pamela Wallin grudgingly gave the government over $100,000 to repay it for improperly claimed expenses, insisting that she had done nothing wrong and that she was the victim of a "lynch mob mentality." (If it had been me, I would have been humbly grateful I hadn't been hit with criminal charges, but I don't have expensive lawyers advising me...)
She was once a journalist - how could she not know how the press corps treats politicians who have allegedly defrauded the government? The only reasonable explanation for her current level of outrage is surgery that removed part of her reasoning faculties and memory.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/09/13/509727.html]
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You Don't Want To Know The Term The Industry Uses To Describe The Public!
Rail safety officials have determined that the runaway train that killed 47 people and destroyed a large part of downtown Lac-Megantic was mislabeled "Fuzzy Bunny Slippers." They believe that this label was meant to make the oil the train was transporting seem less dangerous.
"Nonsense!" said Irving Oil spokesman Sam Robinson. "Fuzzy Bunny Slippers is an industry term for Class 3, Packing Group II materials. Just like "Animal Balloons That Will Make Your Voice Go All High And Squeaky If You Inhale The Helium In Them" is the term for Class 3, Packing Group III materials and "Fat-headed Buffoons" is how we refer to Transportation Safety Board officials.
"But, ahh, you didn't hear that last one from me..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130914.eladvote0194_@/BNStory/newsOops2013-HighTechOops/]
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The X-Oenophiles
INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!
Onophiles - umm, oneophiles - I mean, piles of onos - dammit! - lovers of fine wine are organizing a boycott of the products of Italian vintner Fulvio Bressan, who called his country's first black minister a "dirty black monkey" and referred to illegal immigrants as "her gorilla friends."
Well, that's just ridiculous! Europe has had millennia to perfect racism - it has fought wars just to determine which country's ruling group hated its minorities more! Set against such a historical background, Bressan's comments seem almost friendly!
Bressan's wife and business partner Jelena defended his remarks by claiming that they were directed at the government minister and not all people of colour. That's an important point, because...uhh, actually, we're not sure how that helps his cause, especially since his second quote was directed at a group of people. Maybe she's really overweight, which would cause him a whole new set of problems! But, ahh, we were touched by her defence, nonetheless.
As supporters of fine bigoted whines, we're asking all our members to ignore any boycott of Bressan's products. In a worst case scenario, you might want to consider buying a bottle yourself. If you prefer whiskey, give the bottle to a politically correct friend. You may find it a highly teachable moment.
In combating anti-racism, we all have a part to play.
INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Metaphorically, If Not Contentally
QUESTION: In your fall preview, you wrote about a show called Mom (with Anna Faris and Allison Janney) and a show called Dads (starring Seth Green, Giovanni Ribisi and Martin Mull). Why is there no show on network television this season called Children?
ANSWER: Don't be silly. Every show on network television is about children.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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"I'm Heterosexual - Just Ask My Wife! - Hah! - But Even I Want Him In The Office!"
Kevin McCarthy, former chief of staff to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, will become a director in Scotiabank's Canadian banking unit starting in November. However, the bank would like to assure customers that he "will not be doing any lobbying."
"To be honest with you," Scotiabank stated, "we hired him for his looks. Kevin has the cutest dimples! And, when he smiles, the whole room - the whole block - the whole city lights up! We don't actually have any duties in mind for him - we just want him to stand in our offices and look gorgeous!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49dcdcd7-f6f3-4f4x-9f25-b2eb4cc6a377]
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