Thank you, Kirkwood Kalabash, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were paid our bi-weekly wages with a preloaded bank card. To access our wages at an ATM cost us $1.95. We complained about this to the bank manager, who charged us a $2.95 moaner's fee. We complained about this to our boss, who charged us a $2.95 corporate moaner's fee. We filled out a form asking to be paid by cheque instead of bank card. There was a $1.95 filing fee and a $3.49 processing fee. Our request was rejected - this was a relative steal with a fee of only $.99. When we complained to our boss about this, he said that as long as the proper procedure had been followed, there was really nothing he could do...and charged us a $3.95 repeat corporate moaner's fee.
We figure that if we only work one week a month, we should just about break even.
Enjoy,Halal In The Family
Dear Santa,
Can meat grown in a lab be kosher?
RobbieYes, but only if the lab assistant was humanely slaughtered in accordance with Rabbinical law.
Ho Ho Ho,SOURCE: Ask Santa a Question
[http://www.asksantaaquestion.ca]
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You Know The Place - It's At The Corner Of Vanishing Point Avenue And Neverwhere Drive
An investigation into Senator Pamela Wallin's travel expenses has revealed that she claimed to have gone to a "Bradford Museum." Unfortunately for her (or, possibly, taxpayers), no such museum appears to exist.
Appearances can be deceiving. Wallin's itinerary may have been referring to the Museum of Imaginary Museums in the Arctic. Its centrepiece is a full scale recreation of a room that details the evolution of mermaids from the Museum of Atlantis. MIMA also features a diorama display of Workers Constructing the Museum of Perpetual Motion Machines. And, of course, if you are going to go, you have to visit the wing that contains the Museum of the Integrity of Right Wing Politicians.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1743591830413&call_pageid=960325275692&col=967066972100]
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I've Always Had A Soft Spot For Battle Of The Beyblades
Accusations have emerged that astronaut Chris Hadfield had been coached to attain maximum public exposure when he was in space by PR firms and the CBC. We cannot speak about the PR firms, but we're pretty sure that he couldn't have been coached by the CBC. If they were that good at promotion, they would have had more success with their fall lineup!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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I Liked The Country Better When It Was Run By The Lead Singer For The Smiths
According to interim Egyptian Prime Minister Hazem el-Beblawi, "There will be no reconciliation with those whose hands have been stained with blood and who turned weapons against the state and its institutions."
The soldiers who have been killing peaceful protestors? "Exact - what?" el-Beblawi stated. "No, of course not. The...the other people whose hands have been stained with blood and who turned weapons against the state and its institutions."
Oh. Smart. The generals and other military rulers who ordered the killings of peaceful protesters?
el-Beblawi's eyes narrowed. "Are you being intentionally obtuse?"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2008Apr14.html]
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Stuck In The Middle With - Ewwww!
Professional rodeo clown Tuffy Gessling has invited Republican Texas Representative Steve Stockman to join the circus. "They have to take on the identity of serious people conducting serious business," Gessling explained, "but deep down, politicians know that they are figures of mirth and merriment."
Stockman is known for wearing a mask of President Obama while Texas Governor Rick Perry asked onlookers in the legislature if they wanted to see the President run over by a mechanical bull. "Exhortations to violence against public officials are just good, clean fun," Stockman explained. "They are part of the glory that is the American way."
Stockman ultimately decided not to take Gessling up on his offer, citing serious official business. "The Affordable Health Care Act isn't going to put state roadblocks up against its implementation itself!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2013-08-15-clowns-to-the-left-of-me-politicians-to-the-right_x.htm]
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The War On Nouns Long Ago Defeated Reason
The United States is moving to abandon harsh mandatory sentences for minor crimes, with Attorney General Eric Holder declaring that the country's justice system is "in too many respects broken." So, why is Canada implementing tough on crime legislation that has failed to work in the US?
"Who says tough on crime legislation doesn't work?" asked Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "It won us a ton of votes in the last election, didn't it?"
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b2e6-7c18-bf9b-07b639cc50ec]
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Gives New Meaning To The Term "Playing To The Base"
Russia has passed new laws making it illegal to publicly support gay rights, just in time for the Sochi Olympics. I, uhh, think this may backfire on them, though. I mean, if I was a gay sprinter, looking over my shoulder would probably make me run even faster!
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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That Was About The Time My Head Exploded, Episode 273
State-funded crisis pregnancy centres in Virginia tell women that condoms are "naturally porous" and the pill frequently causes hair loss, memory loss, headaches, weight gain, fatal blood clots and breast cancer. These claims are not, you know, true; they are meant to lead women who go to these centres to the conclusion that only abstinence can prevent pregnancy or getting Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
"Of course we promote abstinence," stated Dolores Wisecarver, director of A Woman's Choice, one of the centres. "If women don't get pregnant, where's the crisis?"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2013/ALLPOLITICS/08/11/reps.main/index.html]
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Rewrite The Soundtrack And Try To Sell The Show To The Cartoon Network
True Entertainment has announced that it will no longer be producing a reality show documenting the work of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
"[BLEEP]ing Canadian privacy concerns!" complained producer Mancunian Sleezie. "By the time we blanked out the identities of all the people who hadn't signed release forms, the show looked like blobs running after, jumping on and shooting at other blobs! And, I'm not talking the good kind of Steve McQueen horror movie blobs, either - I'm talking the kind of blobs you get when your kid knocks over the can of paint you were using on the wall of her room! Okay, the gunfire sure got the attention of test audiences. But, really, who wants to watch a TV series about blobs?"
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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