Thank you, Jackson Jacobi, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the house of filmmaker Luis Bunuel was opened up to public tours. We must admit that we found it disappointing. The dining room didn't have toilets for seats, nor did it have a curtain which, when pulled open, revealed a theatre audience. All in all, we had no inexplicable compulsion to stay...
Enjoy,You Can't Really Argue With The Islam Of The Mind
Life is full of compromise. You want Sarah Palin. You'll settle for Michele Bachmann. You get Stephanie Banister.
Banister was contesting a seat in Queensland, Australia for the anti-immigration One Nation Party. She quit the race after only 48 hours, probably for her statement confusing a religion with a country. But, it was likely jump or be pushed: she was facing charges of "contaminating or interfering with goods" for putting stickers on supermarket Nestle products that read "halal food funds terrorism." Really? Halal food barely funds halal butchers!
Even though she wasn't around long, her "crazy to hours in politics" ratio must qualify her for the Guinness Book of Dubious Political Records. Could memoirs and a reality TV show be in Banister's future? If history has taught us anything, it is that the crazy may be down, but it's never out.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Telus Another One, Darren!
"Hi. My name is Darren. I'm just your average, everyday CEO of a major Canadian wireless communications company. You know, the one that rhymes with...hell bus? Anyway, the Canadian government, which has been so nice to us in the past - I'll never forget the great spectrumrush of the 1990s - refuses to budge on its plan to allow a big American company to buy small Canadian wireless communications companies. The big three Canadian companies have wanted to buy smaller companies forever, but did the government let us? Noooooooo! Why doesn't the Canadian government love us any more? Look. I know talk of wireless spectrum allocations makes Canadians' eyes glaze over, drool fall from their opened mouths and their hands to spasmodically reach for the remote to change the channel to whatever network is playing The Big Bang Theory at that moment, so I'll make it easy for you. Allowing Verizon into the Canadian market will result in everybody in the country being unemployed - some twice - and wireless service anywhere north of Windsor shriveling up and dying faster than the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Still don't get it? Okay, let me make it even easier for you. See this kitten? That's my company. See this gun? That's Verizon. Don't let this story have a Chekhovian ending - tell the Harper government of Canada to stop supporting American wireless companies!"
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=2007262629]
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In Political Scandals, Timing Is Everything
Senator Pamela Wallin has called an audit of her expenses "flawed and unfair." When asked how she could make that assessment before the audit had actually been released, Wallin said, "Oh, I'm just warming up. Wait until you see what I have to say after the audit has been made public!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2013/08/13/stonewallin130813]
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Just Not You
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=7476535728]
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The Hell Bus Guys Can Sympathize
The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Network - or, as we like to think of it, Commie pinko central headquarters - has decided in its all too finite wisdom to not grant Stunned TV mandatory carriage status. Okay. Fine. Be that way! This would have greatly increased our revenues for four years, making us far less of a financial drag on parent Quebecor than we are, but screw it. We can survive without the CRTC's special treatment, with our ideological voice intact and our core viewers...our small number of core viewers...our embarrassingly small number of core - WHY DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT LOVE US ANY MORE? STEPHEN, OH, STEPHEN, MUST OUR LOVE FOR YOU GO UNREQUITED? Ahem. So. Yeah. Screw 'em. We'll manage the best...the best we...SOB!
SOURCE: StunnedTV
[http://www.stunnednewsnetwork.ca/shows/boo-freaking-hoo.html]
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To Be Fair, The Conservatives Have A Lot On Their Platitudes
Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird wrote recently in the Globe and Mail that, "The world will judge the [Iranian] regime by the actions it takes, not its empty platitudes or symbolic gestures." That's the Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister. Of Canada.
The Absurd Ironyometer wondered how polluted the water it was drinking was despite the "tough new environmental regulations" touted by the Canadian government. Of Canada.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Remember What We Said Previously About Timing?
A raid on a shop in Yemen has resulted in the arrest of six poodles, four cocker spaniels and an especially adorable aging dachshund named Figgis on suspicion of terrorist activities. "Al Qaeda in Yemen is getting inventive," claimed Secretary of State John Kerry. "But, recruiting household pets in the war to spread radical Islam, well, that's just diabolical!"
"Woof!" Figgis responded caninely in its defense. "Woof woof woof!"
When asked whether the announcement of the raid had anything to do with Edward Snowden's revelations of the American government's widespread spying on its own citizens, Kerry replied: "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not at all. No. The, uhh, the dachshund had been planning attacks on American...err, cat kennels for months, and there was a clear and present danger. Dogs, you know, they have their own internal clock - we have no control over their schedule!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2013Aug09.html]
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More Fool Census
Statistics Canada has delayed the release of its national household survey because of serious errors. These include:
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130712.eladvote0712_@/BNStory/newsMoreOops2013/]
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