Thank you, Ivor Investiture, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we learned that a group of engineers from Princeton had teamed up with Belgian company Barry Callebaut to create a fifteen metre high pavilion made entirely out of chocolate. A true chocolate building! The pavilion will only be temporary, one of the engineers stated. Well, duh! Once children hear of it, it will be gone in seconds! Unless it's policed by an evil witch...
Enjoy,It Will Be Especially Simple For Us If The Government Does It
Canadian Natural Resources Ltd. spokesperson Florio Intensity: "I would like to assure everybody that no heavy oil has been spilled in Alberta. None whatsoever. Not a drop. And, of course, when I say no oil has been spilled, I mean only three barrels have been spilled. A mere five barrels. The seven spilled barrels are hardly worth mentioning. Given the vastness of Alberta, 15 spilled barrels of oil would hardly make an impact on the environment. Or, 40. Or, 187. No, 376 barrels of spoiled oil - what we like to call bitumen - would have only a minimum impact on the environment. Even if it was 592 barrels of oil. Which it isn't - because it's actually 736 barrels of oil. If it isn't 1,024 barrels of oil. In any fast-moving situation involving 1,678 barrels of spilled oil, you can't help but be out by a barrel or two, or 20, or 155. Still, 3,000 barrels of spilled oil is not something anybody should panic about. I can assure you that we have the spill under control, and we are confident that cleaning up the 6,000 barrels of spilled bitumen will be a very simple matter!"
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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"I Will Not Fold Like A Three Dollar Suit," Clement Said. "I Just Wear Them."
No end is in sight to the job action by Canadian diplomats that is causing a massive backlog in visa applications by students, temporary workers and tourists from around the world.
"Why would I want to negotiate with them?" mused Treasury Board President Tony Clement. "On the one hand, the Harper Government of Canada doesn't want foreigners to think they can overrun our country with their strange ways and weird foods and shit. On the other hand, we get to stick it to another group of civil servants!
"Talk about a win-win situation!"
"Erm," responded Tim Edwards, President of the Professional Association of Foreign Service Operators. "We, uhh, may not have fully thought this through..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130727.eladvote0727_@/BNStory/newsPAFSOandso2013/]
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Speaker Of The Mouse
After Mitt Romney proclaimed himself finished with politics after losing the presidency to Barack Obama, I was concerned that the Crate of Cluelessness would have to retire as well. Thank voters for Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner! He is so gormless - I don't think I have ever known a human being that had less gorm!
My guess would be that a single mother who has to hold down three part-time jobs just to cover rent and food for her family would have a different set of criterion for judging a government's effectiveness than how many laws they repeal. Selfish bitch!
But, even by his own standards, Boehner's Conservative majority in the House has been a failure. They have, for example, held 40 votes to repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, but, oh, look, it's still there! The Republicans say the votes are symbolic. Perhaps, but I do not think they symbolize what the Republicans think they symbolize...
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Now, If Vishnu Had Started Robbing Banks...
Everybody take a pill. Mayor Rob Ford has been quoted as saying that voting for a Liberal candidate is like "giving a bank robber another gun." In the first place, this doesn't actually make sense: Toronto's bank robbers don't need more guns, they have plenty. It's not like they can shoot people with guns held in their teeth!
Irregardlessly, it could have been worse: Ford could have said voting for a Liberal would be like giving a crack dealer another well known client!
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2013/07/29/509727.html]
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The Sontarans Would Be Confused And The Daleks Would Just Laugh At Him
The new lead on the television series Doctor Who has been announced: Peter Capaldi, perhaps best known for his role in the British political satire series The Thick of It. What does Capaldi bring to the role? He could fight the Doctor's enemies with a torrent of creatively foul-mouthed abuse, but it's unlikely that that would be effective against them. Except the Cybermen. Everybody in the universe knows that the Cybermen are pussies.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/130804/geeklynews/01newwhoboohoo.htm]
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The Public Voiced A Concern, We Acted (Because Starting An Ad Campaign Is An Action)
The Harper Government of Canada is proud of the tough new environmental laws that we have enacted that in no way interfere with corporate pursuit of profits. So proud, in fact, that we sent 360 million flyers to Canadians last year telling them how good our initiatives on the environment were. And, erected neon signs along major highways throughout the country about it. And hired hundreds of prop planes to write about it in the sky.
The Harper Government of Canada's Inaction Plan. To learn more about our mixed message on the environment, go to Canada Inaction Plan dot CA. Or, look to the skies.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1590952637]
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When Competition For Tourist Dollars Goes Feral
Hey, Bill! Ever wanted to bash some dumb perp's head in, but were worried about civil lawsuits? Why not look North? Ever since the Perimeter Security Pact between Canada and the United States was enacted, American law enforcement officials on the other side of the border could do whatever they wanted with complete impunity.
Miranda rights? WRONG! Unreasonable search and seizure? TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT (just be sure to declare it at the border if it's over $100 if your stay lasted less than 24 hours). And, of course, the best target practice is the kind with live targets (if your commanding officer complains about the bad publicity your behaviour generates, you can always argue that the experience has made you a better policeman).
Canada - for that Argentina piece of mind.
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=278236074-9/]
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