Thank you, Solaris Magnifico, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, people want us to die with dignity? Really? It's a nice sentiment, we suppose, but why would anybody expect us to die in a way that we never lived?
Enjoy,Funny, The Things We Feel The Need To Apologize For
Having just had his proposal to build a casino in downtown Toronto voted down by a margin of 40 to four, Mayor Rob Ford insisted that the issue wasn't dead. "I'll make this an election issue," Mayor Ford vowed. "People who opposed my plan will have to justify it to the people of this city!"
Mayor Ford, are you on crack? The vote was 10 to one against! Polls showed clearly that the people of the city didn't want a casino downtown. The issue is dead! Time to come up with another brilliant idea to save the -
Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I use the phrase "are you on crack?" rhetorically to indicate how ridiculous a statement made by a public figure is. I don't usually believe that the person I'm writing about actually is on crack. But, in your case that may be true. If so, that was very insensitive of me. You have my sincere apologies.
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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Turn Out The Light
Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek has died at the age of 74 of duct cancer. They aren't likely to play "The End" at his funeral, but how cool would that be?
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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I'd Call It Flogging A Dead Horse, But It Would Probably End Up Part Of The Catechism
Sooooooo...because of his latest alleged antics, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been banned from coaching football at any school run by the city's Catholic school board. Seriously. How bad must your behaviour be if it embarrasses the Catholic Church?
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/dunking-mayors-05-22-13]
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You're New At Damage Control, Aren't You?
An army sergeant at the US Military Academy has been accused of videotaping female cadets in the showers at West Point.
"He's not a pervert using his position of authority to get his sick jollies," said Defence Department spokesperson Armando Oyley. "He's just a really, really, reaaaaaally big fan of Porky's."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2013May24.html]
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Somebody Should Tell Democracy's Next Of Mooshkin
Vince Mooshkin does not deny that he attempted to rob a CIBC branch by brandishing a bar of soap that he had shaped like a gun. He is claiming that the fact that he did not manage to get away with any money, that he had, in fact, been laughed out of the bank, means he should not be charged with a crime.
"The Conservatives who authorized misleading robocalls weren't charged with a crime," Mooshkin pointed out, "and they were trying to steal an election!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/05/22/509727.html]
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They Were Especially Amused By Conversations Between One Of Our Senior Editors And Her Twentysomething Boy Toy [No, We Weren't...Well, Okay, Maybe A Little...]
The Justice Department has subpoenaed the phone records of our offices for the last year. [No, we haven't.] The given reason is that sources for some of our stories in that period may have been or may have been working with Al Qeada terrorists. [We confirm or deny nothing, but, if this was true, it would be an awesome reason, don't you think?]
"This was a fishing expedition," said Disassociated Press senior editor Eleonora Congerbiter. [No, it wasn't.] "The implications for freedom of expression in this country are scary. Very scary." [Hey! The War on Terror is not for the faint of heart!]
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Not Only That, But Amateurs Don't Pay Taxes...Okay, Scalpers Don't, Either, But The Important Thing To Remember Is That They Avoid Paying Taxes Professionally
Tickets to such hot theatre shows as The Book of Mormon, Les Miserables and Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark are often scooped up by scalpers and resold for ridiculous sums of money, first born children or parking spaces in downtown Manhattan. Well, okay, Spiderman not so much. In any case, theatre owners are fighting a losing battle to stop the practice.
"And, why would they?" asked scalper Ludovico Doosh (not his actual name, but strangely appropriate, nonetheless). "It happens all the time - a kid can't go to the fiftieth anniversary concert of the Rolling Poodles, so he sells his ticket - at cost - to a friend. Or, worse, gives it away! How does that help circulate money in the economy?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2013/2013/05/23/ifyouremembertherollingpoodlesdebutconcertyouwerentthere/]
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Arpaio, Can You See?
A judge ruled Friday that Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio's force racially profiles Latinos. Arpaio had repeatedly denied the allegations, claiming his deputies only stopped people when they thought a crime had been committed.
These crimes included: contributing to the delinquency of a drum majorette; spitting on public sidewalks before curfew; transporting pregnant lemurs across state lines for purposes of procuring an abortion; spitting on public sidewalks after curfew; not recycling used chewing gum, and; licking a knife in the middle of dinner at a four star restaurant while driving a muscle car.
Oddly enough, many people didn't believe the Sheriff was taking the court ruling seriously.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/nation/2013-05-18-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
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I'm Convinced!
After a week's silence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has made a statement defending himself against accusations that he was caught on video smoking crack cocaine. "I did not smoke crack from April 27th, 2002 to June 18th, 2006" the Mayor stated. "Then, I didn't smoke crack from June 20th, 2006 to July 7, 2009. Then, I didn't smoke crack from July 9, 2009 to March 4th, 2012. Then, I didn't smoke crack from March 7th, 2012 to the present. Clearly, the allegations that I have smoked crack are wrong, wrong, wrong."
Odder still, many people didn't believe the Mayor's explanation was complete or sincere.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/orangutans/timing-isnt-everything-its-the-only-thing/]
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And, You Call Yourself A Blappie?!
In one of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood, the character Benedict Cumberbund plays in Star Blap: In the General Direction of Darkness turned out to be a tribble. If you didn't know this before you saw the movie, turn in your red shirt at the next science fiction convention - you are clearly not worthy to die in it!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/130511/geeklynews/01noshirt.htm]
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