Ask the Tech Answer Guy the Hard Question

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

I was recently diagnosed as suffering from ED (not to be confused with my second wife, Edie, which was a whole different kind of suffering!). At 78, I felt I didn't have the time to wait for traditional cures to prove their efficacy, so I went to a clinic in the heart of the deepest wilds of uncivilized London to try an unproven experimental treatment that promised immediate results.

The basic idea, as I understand it, was to implant electrodes into my brain and small motors into my penis. Then, as I barely understand it but am bulling my way through the explanation in any case, all I had to do was think of sex and I could will myself to have an erection. As I don't understand it at all, a wireless doohickey transferred the firings of my cerebral whatsis to the servo...somethings in my penis. Or, something like that.

At first, it was splendiferous. Whenever I just thought of Editta, my fifth wife, I got a bear down there. That first night, we made love for over three minutes - a new record! I could probably have gone longer, but my heart monitor sounded like a four alarm fire, and it spooked the horses.

This would have been the end of the story, except I started getting hard ons outside of the bedroom. Women showing cleavage. Women wearing surgical stockings. Women breathing - the slightest thing would set it off. When I was in public, my erection would sometimes go for hours without surcease. That's not as much fun as it sounds. In fact - ouch!

The doctors are afraid that removing the apparatus would be bad for my health. Can you recommend anything that might alleviate my distress?

Yo, Don,

You lucky dog! We should all be so fortunate as have enough of a fortune to enable us to get a highly iffy medical intervention that will allow us to get an eRection whenever we want! eRection - get it? Ha ha ha! Can you imagine a couple getting this done for their 50th wedding anniversary and finding whole new ways to pleasure each other? Disgusting to think about, and yet oddly hopeful, as well.

No, no, you don't understand. I can't leave my house without getting an...alright, an eRection. And, now, even staying inside isn't helping. I got an eRection the other day looking at a news report on nuclear energy because the tops of the reactors reminded me of women's breasts! I got hard playing with my toy train set when the engine approached a tunnel - and I don't even know who this Sigmund Freud chappie is!

Can you please help me find a way to put an end to this?

Yo, Dons,

The Tech Answer Guy

This isn't a joke, you simpering blaggard! I get hard when I look at a crack in the pavement! I'm hard right now, and I'm just banging the keys on my keyboard! Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeee!

Yo, Don-Man,

Lighten up! Yes, I'm sure that eRections have their drawbacks. Still, think of all the millions of men out there in the world who, through no fault of their own - or, at worst, 49% of their own fault, which is not a majority, so they can at least be considered statistically blameless - cannot raise the flag, as it were. Don't you think they would envy your ability to get hard on demand?

If you can't be happy for yourself, be grateful you're not one of them!

This is to inform you that The Donnie from None of Your Business recently underwent a successful lobotomy and is no longer able to keep up his correspondence with you. Thank you for your interest in The Donnie from None of Your Business, and the best of luck with your future endeavours.

Yo, Bertster,

It's probably for the best. Dude had no idea how lucky he was.

The Tech Answer Guy

PS: “Keep up” his correspondence!

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: the quality of the Tech Answer Guy's advice is usually inversely proportional to the entertainment value your question gives him.