Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
My mate and I had high hopes for our eldest offspring, Blurble 238,976. As a young scrod, he loved to play with the other fish - we were sure his popularity would win him many mates who would honour us with schoolsful of grandchildren.
Unfortunately, in adolescence, Blurble 238,976 has grown sullen and distant. He rarely swims with his friends - most of the time he flops around on the not-water, breathing. Breathing! Our little Blurble 238,976! You never think it will happen to one of your own children, but, as we now know, you never know.
Breathing! It's a disgusting habit which I understand can be very addictive. (I tried it once myself when I was younger, but I didn't inhale.) We have tried to talk to Blurble 238,976 about it, but he always denies that there is anything wrong. One time, we tried to set up an intervention for him, but when he realized what was happening, he quickly swam into a coral reef and refused to come out until we agreed to stop it.
Is there anything we can do to keep our son from being destroyed by this terrible habit?
Sincerely,Yo, Blurbs,
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Children always act out, but, as they get older, they invariably become better behaved. I expect that young Blurble 238,976 will grow out of this phase. That, or, a millennium or two from now, he will have evolved into the banker who destroys the world economy through the use of computer trading and derivatives.
It's all good.
The Tech Answer GuyI wrote to the Ask Amritsar column in this publication about my passionately held belief that cosplay - where...girls dress up in costumes - is killing science fiction fandom. Sure, guys Live Action Role Play, but that's completely different! LARPers in costumes actually do things! Things like running around and hitting each other with foam swords! Cosplayers just stand around and talk about Japanese cartoons that I've never heard of. Once in a while, they strike a pose, but how can that possibly compare to running around and hitting people with foam swords?
It can't. That's how.
Costume play really brings down the intellectual level of science fiction fandom. It is an activity for seven year-olds. Okay, LARPing is an activity for 12 year-olds. Still, those five years are fundamental to the intellectual growth of a child, so I trust my point is clear.
Instead of complimenting me on my perspicuity, Amritsar lectured me on how different forms of fandom are equally legitimate; she obviously feels very passionate about this subject, as her column filled four full pages. Towards the end, she called me vile names, terrible names, names that I didn't think you could say in a family publication. Especially not in the original Klingon!
Still, I'm right, aren't I? Cosplay is just a feminized, diminished form of fandom. Right?
Sincerely,Yo, Mort,
Are you advice column shopping? Really? That's just ugly, man. I bet Dear Abby never had to put up with that shit.
Over the years, the Tech Answer Guy has compiled a list of Things You Must Never Do. You don't trod on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull that mask off the old Lone - okay, you know what? You're right if you noticed that this is actually Jim Croce's list of Things You Must Never Do. I...I seem to have left my list of Things You Must Never Do in my other pair of pants (which is, of course, a Porsche).
The important thing is that I never, never, never stick my wicket in Amritsar's face! Call it professional courtesy. Call it primal fear. Either way, I don't sashay all over Amritsar's drapes. I don't make google-eyes at Amritsar's perfume cabinet. I don't get all up in her schnitzel, fo' shitzel. Uhh...dog. Are you getting the gist of my nub? I'm saying that I never poke my nub where it isn't welcome, and Amritsar's baking soda is one of those places!
If you've got a beef with the advice Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour has given you, take it anyway. Trust me, it's easier for everybody that way.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Amritsar packs a mean punch for such a scrawny woman. I mean, her left hook could fell an ox! Trust me on this - you'd be better off messing around with Jim!