Dear Amritsar,
I'm sexy. But, don't just take my word for it. In 2009, I topped Peephole Magazine's Sexiest Man Ever! (This Year) readers' poll. I won MCTV5's Sexy! Sexier! Sexiest! Man poll in the same year. Then, I won an Oscar for Sexiest Man in a Leading Role in a Comedy, Musical or Puppet Film. In fact, I have won 57 sexiest man in the world polls in the last five years. Hey! - I feel another one coming on even as we speak!
However, no matter how much I smolder, smirk or...something else that begins with the letter combination "sm," I cannot seem to win a Golden Wombat Sexiest Man Alive poll in either the Scented or Non-scented category. Why not? Never mind - I don't need to know. What I really want to know is: what can I do to win?
Ryan R.
Hey, Babe,
You know I would be willing to give up the advice column writing racket to have your children, but, honestly, Green Lantern? WTF!?!
As to your little problem, you seem to be a victim of the corporate consolidation of organizations that conduct online sexiness polls. In 2007, Golden Gumbo Productions, which makes the Golden Wombat line of products that includes Golden Wombat body spray, Golden Wombat hair gel and Golden Wombat scented bath oil spritzer, was bought out by Mensa, the smarty-pants group.
Their second move after the takeover was to restrict voting on the Sexiest Man and Sexiest Woman Alive poll to anybody with an IQ of 140 or more. (Their first move was to replace celebrity spokesmodels with mathematical equations with seven or more variables.) Needless to say, that has radically changed who has won the poll (not to mention how teenagers view their body care products).
Last year's Sexiest Man Alive was 67 year-old particle physicist Bernie Ploitkin of the Walk the Max Planck Institute. The previous year's winner, Meldrum Hashtag, has long been touted as a shoe-in for a Nobel Prize in Mathematics, which is ironic considering that advanced arthritis of the shins makes it impossible for him to comfortably wear shoes. The Sexiest Man Alive the year before that was the large hadron collider. This was odd because, of course, at the time the poll was taken, it wouldn't come online for another 18 months - clearly, the write-in vote carried the day.
Marilyn vos Savant has been the sexiest woman alive as far back as anybody can remember.
Look. Perceived sexiosity is a very personal thing. One woman's sexy beast is another woman's Prometheus Society reject. You might want to accept that this one poll is not for you. I'm sure crying into your 57 (and counting) other Sexiest Man Alive polls will be of much comfort to you.So, I should maybe read some books or something?
Ryan R.
Hey, Babe,
Siiiiiiiigh!Last year, I won the Golden Gumbo Sexiest Man Alive poll. Me! With my bad back and glasses with lenses so thick you could use them to fry an anthill...on another continent! I'm not kidding: the FBI has asked me to register my glasses as weapons of mass destruction! If they were any heavier, I would need a tractor-trailer to wear them! Let's just say that if I had been in Goldfinger, James Bond's genitalia would not have gotten away in one piece!
This was the first time I had won anything like it! It's better than the MacArthur Fellowship (although MacArthur groupies are awesome, I must say)! It's waaaaay better than an honorary doctorate (as it happens, I only have 17) , and moderately to somewhat heavily better than an actual doctorate (three).
I love this feeling! How can I win more Sexiest Man Alive polls?
Bernie P.
Hey, Babe,
Is nobody happy with who they are any more? Nobody?
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: You know when you're at an orgy and you're tempted to break out your PDA and work on a spreadsheet because the deadline on your current project looms large and your career hangs in the balance and you won't be able to keep your high-maintenance spouse without it, so you have a porn video ready at the touch of a button in case anybody asks what you're looking at so you can tell them, "A dirty movie. You know, to help get me in the mood?" DON'T DO THAT! It's tacky.