Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
The other day, I was slapped in the face for no apparent reason by a woman at my local MultiMaxiMegaMart. I was standing in the 3.14 items or less line; I was there to buy bottled washers and, for some reason, had a Luxury sized box of weasel chow in my cart. It made no sense: my weasel only eats Captain Clench cereal. Damn the store's seductive layout! In any case, the woman insisted that I was fondling her frozen foods, even though I was not aware of doing any such thing.
I would have denied it, but it wasn't the first time this had happened.
A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in line to get into Blargh Blargh's, an exclusive club run by Venusian Blurt Splunk, when I was slapped by a woman standing in front of me. She claimed that I had been inappropriately groping her in the spandex. I didn't even know that that was part of a woman's anatomy!
Then, 10 days later, which would have made it...umm...carry the 12...subtract the square root of obliviousness...assassinate the crown prince of Prussia...four days ago, I was called into the office of my boss at Durston Dunst Detweiller Prokofiev, who said that I had been accused of sexual harassment. Apparently, three of the interns claimed that in the last five months I had groped them in the photocopying room. Since we work in a paperless office, I assumed that was a euphemism for a part of their anatomy. This may not have gone anywhere - they were only interns, after all - if I hadn't been caught on videotape in front of 27 witnesses at a retirement party for one of them! Even so, I had no conscious recollection that I had been doing it!
Is there any explanation for this behaviour? Any explanation at all?
Sincerely,Yo, Sammy,
Do you mean an explanation that doesn't make you look like a miserable, woman-hating sexist scumbag?
The Tech Answer GuyWell, yeah.
Sincerely,Yo, Sammy,
Okay, then. Because according to the Macho Code of Manliness, being a miserable, woman-hating sexist scumbag is not cool. Not cool at all.
So, assuming that you are, as you say, not a miserable, woman-hating sexist scumbag, I can tell you that, according to Technological Neuropathy for Dummies, you have Kinext Konsciousness. This is similar to Krishna Konsciousness, but with better graphics. Oh, and except for the fact that they are actually nothing alike.
Kinext Konsciousness is what happens when you spend too much time playing computer games that use a physical interface. You start to develop a - nervous may be overstating the case a bit, so let's call it mildly concerned - you start to develop a mildly concerned physical tic, one that is neither conscious nor controllable.
Hardcore players often find their bodies doing things without their knowledge. For example, after a three day Wayne Gretzky Tennis binge, Arthur California of New York City randomly slapped customers at the Shemp's Shoes where he worked. For another example, assembly line worker Charlie Nuevos-Yorke of Los Angeles made wrench turning motions whenever he walked past anything resembling the head of a screw. For a third example - what? Two examples aren't good enough for you? You know, when I started out in this racquet, one example and a Bronx cheer was all that a columnist felt responsible to give his readers. Be thankful we've evolved since then!
Some neuroscientists believe that there is no such thing as Kinext Konsciousness, that it's just an excuse for men to engage in anti-social behaviour without consequence. They point out that no women have ever been diagnosed with the condition, which, okay, yeah, the Tech Answer Guy will admit does look a little, you know, gershlumptfen. They also say that experiments have showed that, other than an increase in potato chip consumption and a decrease in tolerance for Honey Boo Boo, lab rats are not affected by playing 1,000 straight hours of Star Blap: Assault on the Death Store on the Kinext.
You'd better hope that this is just because women's physignomy - pissiognomy - physimoggy - oh, you know: body structure! - is different from men's, and that the lab experiments didn't factor in the weight of the hydrogen atom divided by the laundry load and crucial factor of colours or whites. Otherwise, that would make you a miserable, woman-hating sexist scumbag. And, that wouldn't be cool.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: human sexuality is a beautiful thing, especially when it involves the latest polystyrene synthetic skin and 247 pre-programmed settings/positions!