Ask the Tech Answer Guy to Validate Your Bad Behaviour

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

My hobby is following women in short skirts up escalators, taking photos of their panties and posting them anonymously to a forum on Dreddit. I don't feel the need - don't judge me. I don't feel the need to get their permiss - I said, don't judge me. No, don't deny it - I know you're judging me. I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN!

I'm not paranoid. I'm preemptively concerned.

Anyway, somebody on FourCarCollisionur.com found out who I was and posted my real name, email address and shoe size on the site. Ever since, my life has been hell. I've lost my job as a chewing gum tester. My girlfriend took her Veronica Mars DVDs and walked out on me - okay, I'm conflicted about that one. My dog died. I WAS OUTED ON FOURCARCOLLISIONUR.COM AND MY DOG DIED, MAN!

It's not like they asked my permission to publish my name - what ever happened to my privacy? And, all that suffering - I mean my suffering - for what? Because they didn't like what I do? What ever happened to my freedom of speech?

PS: I do not sound like Peter Lorre, so please get that voice out of your head when you're reading my letter!

Yo, Bartolomo Brousch-Stroyke,

Yeah, everybody knows your real name. On the Internet, everybody knows you're a dog, and one sick puppy, at that.

Look, I enjoy pictures of women's panties as much as the next guy. According to the Macho Code of Manliness (MCM), if you're not thinking about sex every seven seconds, you may as well be a eunuch! Privacy? Permission? Pfft! That's sooooo 20th century!

Here's the thing, though. The Tech Answer Guy has a mother. And, sisters. And, a wife. And, according to the MCM, "Any man who harms a woman that he loves, or, through his inaction, allows a woman that he loves to be harmed, yea, verily, doth be a douchebag." This may seem to be a contradiction, but, as the Buddha (Jack Buddha, the owner and head chef of Shiv Blechley's Bar and BMW Grille) truly said, "When you're at risk of being a douchebag, there are no contradictions."

By the way, freedom of speech means that the government cannot pass a law that says, "Yo, chunky, you can't say that." Not only would this be morally indefensible, but it would be offensive to members of the Unavoidably Girthful Community.

The principle of freedom of speech does not apply to private corporations. If it did, Fox News would constantly be interviewing birthers and Tea Party hacks. The fact - oh, wait. Bad example. Fox News does constantly interview birthers and Tea Party hacks. Substitute NBC News for Fox news in the previous sentences of this paragraph. The fact that - no, hold on. If you do that, the third sentence would read "NBC News does constantly interview birthers and Tea Party hacks." That's not right. Just substitute NBC News for Fox News in the second sentence of this paragraph. The fact - what? What do you mean, Fox News isn't mentioned in the second sentence of - oh, I see. A literalist. Okay, this is what you do: return the first three sentences of this paragraph to their original form, then substitute NBC News for Fox News in the -

You know what? Let me start again.

The principle of freedom of speech does not apply to private corporations. If it did, Donald Trump would be a regular contributor to MSNBC. The fact - you know what? I nailed it in the previous sentence. No need to belabour the point.

As for the idea of anonymity, for a guy who posts "adult" material to the Internet, you really seem to have a very immature understanding of the way the world actually works. Have you never heard of the NSA? Or, Person of Interest? The government has a direct line into your corpus coliseum, and - damn, spellcheck! I mean, corpus Callum Keith Rennie, and - no, that's not it, either. Brain, okay? The government has a direct line into your brain.

If I were you, I would be preemptively concerned. With bells on. Cause they're gonna hear you coming a mile away anyway.

Does every letter sent to you really start with "Yo, Tech Answer Guy," or do you just add it to the beginning for perverse reasons of your own?

Yo, Curious,

Funny you should ask that.

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: if the Tech Answer Guy hears Peter Lorre's voice when he reads your letter, you better be prepared to audition for The Maltese Falcon because ever since he saw M, his creepy douchebag detector has been nigh near infallible!