Dear Amritsar,
My fiancee and I were reading about this new service where you pay a photographer to take professional pictures the morning after the first night of your honeymoon. This sounded really exciting - some of the sample pictures were lovely. Not just hot, but - okay, mostly hot. The problem is, Beatte and I are not morning people. I mean, we're really not morning people. Beatte gets Waker's Bloat, where it looks like he's put on 100 pounds over night. And, me, well, while I sleep, one of my eyes travels to the back of my neck, my nostrils drop to my chin and my left ear falls off; I'm a real sight before I have a chance to put on my face. Is there any way we can have morning after pictures taken despite these problems?Mamie
Hey, Babe,
You're in luck. In anticipation of people having exactly that problem (without, perhaps, the falling off ears), Marrs Talent and Chocolatey Comestibles is now offering a Morning After Doubles Package. Simply send them photographs of you in your natural state, and they will supply you with doubles who will pose for the morning after pictures in your place. These are seasoned professionals who know how to convey just the right mixture of newly married hope, angst and indigestion. To be sure, morning after doubles do not come cheap, but, then, what price can be put on false memories of a milestone in your life?Where do baby videos come from?
Tammy (age 37)
Hey, Babe,
When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they try to find ways that they can humiliate their babies when they grow older. Still pictures are not bad, but true love can best be mortified by video. If mommy and daddy love each other enough, they may submit one of their videos to America's Most Irresponsible (And Hilarious) Home Videos, or post it directly to YouTube. If this has happened to you, a good way to teach your parents a lesson is to find their morning after wedding pictures…Why would anybody get a facelift? Wouldn't they look strange with a two foot long neck? Wouldn't that just necessitate them getting a body lift so that it would catch up with their face? Wouldn't that put them more or less back to where they were before they started (except maybe a foot or two off the ground)?
Barbie Breiback
Hey, Babe,
Do you see a lot of people walking two feet off the ground? If you do not, wouldn't that suggest that there is a flaw in your reasoning? If you do, wouldn't that suggest that there's a flaw in your brain chemistry?To celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary, my husband and I went through our photo albums. What treasures! A photo of the hotel in Moncton where my ear fell off while we were sleeping and a mouse ran off with it, necessitating a search that lasted over 10 hours. Beatte's hovercraft incident in the Himalayas. Somebody's out of focus or partially melted hand. Good times!
There are a couple of pictures of my husband and I on our honeymoon the morning after our first night together. The funny thing is, the people in those pictures look nothing like us. And, this is not just a comment on the faultiness of memory over time. The people in the morning after photos look nothing like the other photos of us taken at the time. I had red hair; the woman in the morning after photos has purple hair. My mouth naturally curves up; hers curves down. And, even with a faltering memory, I know for a fact that I only had two breasts.
What's that about?
Mamie
Hey, Babe,
Are you - no. You couldn't be. Life goes by quickly, but not that quickly.
If I had to guess, I would say that you bought the Morning After Doubles Package offered by Marrs Talent and Chocolatey Comestibles. If I were you, I would enjoy the memories. Sure, they're not yours, but give it time - eventually, you won't know the difference.
Dear Amritsar,
Are you worried you're ever going to run out of questions?
Beelzebub Baker
Hey, Babe,
Naah. As long as we don't evolve into a planet full of clones of the Dalai Lama, there will never be a shortage of people who need advice. (And, if you've ever wondered why I never receive any questions from Earth Prime 5-9-0-4-8-4 dash pi, now you know.)
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Waker's Bloat? Is that a real thing? Because, honestly, it doesn't sound like a real thing. Dr. Oz has never heard of it. How can it be a real thing if Dr. Oz has never heard of it?