Ask Amritsar About the Proper Celebratory Emphasis

Dear Amritsar,

I know this guy. Romeo. I mean, I don't know him very well. And, I'm not sure if I did I would even like him. He's the kind of person who thinks Charlie Sheen is a good role model, you know?

Still, he asked me to be Facebook friends with him, and I know Romeo well enough to know that he probably won't try to chop my head off with a soup spoon (what's going on in Brooklyn?) to have agreed. I just noticed that today is his birthday. I will probably wish him "happy birthday," but I don't want to give Romeo the wrong impression about how I feel for him. Should I use exclamation marks after that, and, if so, how many?

Juliet Capulet

Hey, Babe,

I was going to respond to your question, but the Language Corrector Dude raised his hand and said, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I can answer this one! Let me! Let me answer this one!" He does that. Not having a column of his own, he wanders around the Alternate Reality News Service bullpen, looking over people's shoulders at what they are writing to see if he can "be of assistance." There's probably a column in that, but it wouldn't answer your question, so I will leave it for another time.

Since his expertise is actually appropriate in this instance, I figured I should give the Language Corrector Dude the opportunity to

Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank

Ahem.

Right. Okay. Generally speaking, one exclamation mark is considered sufficiently restrained while 27 exclamation marks is seen as either an early sign of Tourette Syndrome or an indication that the dosage of your medications is not high enough. If I were you, I would see my personal physician, or my personal OED editor.

This is simple enough; where it gets tricky is all of the potential combinations between one and 27. Each culture seems to have its own rules on the use of exclamation marks, as the partial list below indicates.

• In France, nobody believes you're being emotionally honest until you've used at least six exclamation marks!!!!!!!!
• In Afghanistan, if you use an exclamation mark, you will likely get shot by friends of your clan, but if you don't use an exclamation mark, you will likely get shot by enemies of your clan!?
• In Egypt, exclamation marks look like hieroglyphic birds.
• In Italy, three exclamation marks seems to be the norm, although this increases to 12 or more exclamation marks during the FIFA World Cup and, of course, exclamation marks have to be given up for Lent!!!
• In Estonia, two exclamation marks means "I want to marry your yak!!"
• People in Ireland tend to avoid exclamation marks, because they start to spin in Irish eyes and eventually look like the doughnut of doom telling them to wait for their computer programme to finish whatever it is doing.
• Iraqis use four exclamation marks to celebrate the fact that it's one of the three hours a day in which they have electricity and can actually access their Facebook pages!!!!
• In Mexico, the number of exclamation marks you use tells people which drug cartel you support! Unfortunately, because the situation is so fluid, this can change rapidly without notice!!
• In Fredonia, two exclamations marks means "I want to offer you my yak's hand in marriage!!"
• In Eritrea, they use a single quote over a period because they cannot afford exclamation marks, so they tend to use them sparingly.
• Canadians who use exclamation marks are usually put under psychiatric observation for six to eight weeks (except for those who live in Alberta, who are rewarded for using exclamation marks with oil exploration grants)!!!!!

Quite the mish-mash - you could probably make a good side dish for baked koi with these rules! (NOTE: that exclamation mark was not intended to offend anybody in Denmark.) If you are uncertain about the appropriateness of exclamation marks in your email messages, consult you personal OED editor. Or, your personal physician. They're interchangeable, really.

Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: expert guest columnists are a journalistic tradition; their presence should not be construed as an attempt by the author to get a column out with a minimal amount of work so she can devote more time to tearful conversations with her current partner about the division of their retro games collection while they are "taking time off from the relationship to reassess their priorities."