Ask Amritsar: You Can Jaclyn, But you Can't Heidi

Dear Amritsar,

I'm an ankle, tibia and spleen specialist at Toronto Generalissimo Hospital. My husband, I. L. Fiornello, plays tackle for the Maple Leafs. My two sons, Garrett and Tarregg, are past the age of being clingy, but haven't reached the age of being bitchy.

I have the ideal life. So, naturally, I had to go and ruin it with the Internet.

After a couple of months of idle surfing, I came across a site called Dominate Tricks. It was a safe online environment where women could control men's sexuality. At first, I was disgusted, then, I tried to be amused. For a while, I was sensitive to loud sounds. Eventually, I was fascinated. I'm sure you've seen this progression many times before.

I chose the online identity of Mistress Heidi because who didn't grow up loving the adventures of the precocious Swiss maiden in an indifferent universe? And, after a few tentative sessions, I enthusiastically ordered the pathetic worms who showed up in my dungeon to lick the spikes of my shoes, feel my lash on their naked backs and upgrade the software on my desktop. (Hey! - any order can be dominatative if you growl it snarlily enough, and, in any case, why shouldn't I get a practical benefit out of my hobby?)

Anyway, after a couple of months of online domination (my high-heeled shoes - which, admittedly, I bought for the role - had never been cleaner!), I found that my dominational behaviour was lowly creeping into my offline life. It started when my 11 year-old son Garrett, apparently feeling nostalgic for when he was six months old, got fussy at the dinner table.

"If you don't eat your split pinochle soup, I will handcuff you to the table until you do!" I barked.

Well. He looked so shocked, you would have thought that I had hooked his genitals up to the generator we keep in the back in case of a gerbil apocalypse! I would never do such a thing...without his consent, or the consent of a parent or guardian. Still, he finished every drop of the soup.

A couple of weeks later, my husband Herman and I were in bed when I playfully bit his arm. There wasn't really that much blood, but, to hear him go on about it in the emergency ward, you would have thought I had bit the limb clean off! I mean, it only took a few hours for him to get the feeling back in all of his fingers! Honestly, men these days are such wimps!

The last straw was when I replaced all of the lights in my office with torches, the blinds with dark burgundy curtains and my white lab coat with black leather with lots of spikes. Lots of spikes. I go up before a hospital disciplinary review board next week.

What's happening to me?

Dr. Jaclyn

Hey, Babe,

You know how people as diverse as Oprah, Doctor Wizard of Oz and Jose Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays advise that if you want to change your behaviour, you just have to imagine yourself acting in a different way? Imagine really hard? Really work that imagination muscle like never before (just make sure you have liniment to rub it down afterwards so it doesn't ache for the next few days)? This is sometimes known as behaviour self-modification, although it has also frequently been called behaviour self-delusion.

But, let us not be cynical.

You have been engaging in what we could call involuntary behaviour self-modification with a double summersault tuck. The more time you spend in your online persona (and, you have been spending more and more time with it, haven't you? Sure, you have - who wouldn't want clean shoes?), the more she becomes a part of you. The more she becomes you.

Oh, wait! I'm actually Mistress Heidi in real life; I play bondage scenarios for clients in my basement. Online, I give advice on family and relationships under the name of Doctor Jackie.

I'm sorry. I...I sometimes get confused. This doesn't change anything, does it?

Heidi

Hey, Babe,

Now, you're just messing with MY head, aren't you?

Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: those mild electric shocks aren't your computer trying to keep you away from Web sites you shouldn't be accessing - they're your keyboard malfunctioning. You should probably replace it, unless the effect IS actually keeping you away from Web sites you shouldn't be accessing, in which case you should patent the effect and see if Microsoft would be interested in buying you out. Oh, and stock up on small bandages.