Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
A few weeks back, I was selected to be a product tester for what I thought was a new brand of insect spray called Bug-B-Gone. It turns out the spray can actually produces a computer diagnostic display in midair. It's pretty cool, but I've run into some trouble with it. I tried to kill a fly with the spray before I knew what it was, and it seems to have created some sort of cyborg insect. The condition also appears to be contagious among the insect world. My question is this: how does one go about killing a horde of suddenly intelligent house flies?
Sincerely,Yo, kaedance,
Interesting name - is that Italian?
I'm afraid (which is, of course, merely a figure of speech - The Tech Answer Guy ain't afraid of nothing, believe it!) that, short of an EMP (not to be confused with an MP, an EMT or a PMS - especially a PMS), there isn't much you can do to get rid of your newly cybernetic flies (or cy-flies). They laugh at flyswatters. Really. Have you ever heard 100 sentient houseflies laughing? It's a sound that would make Jim Butcher become a vegetarian!
Bug sprays won't work; the cy-flies will just develop tiny gas masks (the speed with which they take ideas from R and D to production would make Silicon Valley jealous!). No Pest strips are worse: when there are enough cy-flies, they'll put your cat up there in their place. Not only will this not rid you of the sentient houseflies, but it will make the cat even more of your mortal enemy than it already is.
Talk about a lose-lose situation! (Lose-lose-lose if the tension of the situation causes you to drop some weight. Do be aware, however, that the American Medical Association - Long Beach Branch does not recommend the Mordor Cy-fly Tension Diet.)
Having cy-flies in your home isn't all bad, though. For one thing, they are attracted to piezoelectric materials (so-called because the atoms are arranged in the shapes of pies and made up of sub-atomic particles with the flavours apple, strawberry-rhubarb and Spring Day in Ireland). Simply commission a sculpture in the shape of a bowl of fruit, a bust of Beethoven or a bottle of bikini wax, plug it in and voila! Kinetic art!
Or, if you prefer, you could coat some of the surfaces in your home with chocolate. When cy-flies land on the chocolate, they get stuck. When enough of them are caught in this way (The Cybernetic Apocalypse Cook Book recommends at least six cy-flies per square inch), use a spatula to take them to a baking tray and put them in an oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. The results are a delicious dessert that is high in protein. (Or so I'm told. On the advice of my gastroenterologist, the Tech Answer Guy only eats stone-washed Belgian truffles.)
If your family does not enjoy cy-fly brownies, you can always bring them out late at night when you want party guests to get the hint that it's time to go home.
Over time, of course, the cy-flies will multiply. When there are enough of them, you might consider turning your house into a tourist attraction, like a butterfly sanctuary, only with houseflies. (Of course, if the Smith-Yamashitas next door also have a cy-fly problem, you could end up in competition for tourist dollars. You might want to consider commissioning a sculpture made out of piezoelectric materials in the shape of the main street of your city; the flies moving around inside it would be an attraction the Smith-Yamashitas couldn't compete with! And, if you sold cy-fly brownies in the gift shop, you could make even more money out of the...problem may be too strong a word. Let's call it a plague.)
No? You don't like the tourist attraction option? What ever happened to this country's entrepreneurial spirit? This is why China is eating our strawberry-rhubarb piezoelectric materials for lunch!
Eventually, the air in your house will be so thick with cybernetic houseflies that you will no longer be able to live in it. This terminal phase is actually a good thing. Pushing against the ceiling, they will eventually dislodge your house from its foundation and fly into the air with it; at that point, it will become the Air Force's problem!
Then, you can rebuild. And, as you're laying the foundation for your new home, you will always read the instructions on bug sprays before you use them. Right? RIGHT?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: girls are also welcome to submit questions to The Tech Answer Guy. They, uhh, they are just considered honourary dudes for the duration of the column.