Ask the Tech Answer Guy for Zombie Clarification

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

I recently discovered that somebody is using my Granny Stilton's Visa Unobtainium card. Yeah, yeah, I know that the Unobtainium card has a half-life of 17 million years, but Granny Stilton doesn't: she perished in the invasion of the malevolent garden gnomes from Earth Prime 3-8-7-7-0-1 dash omicron two years ago. Or, so we thought. How can I tell if the credit card is being used by an identity thief or by my grandmother returned to walk the earth as a zombie?

Yo, Molly,

You're in luck. The Centres for Zombie Control and Digital Crime Eradication (which was voted runner-up in Forbes magazine's July poll of Least Believable Government Agency Names) just released a Consumer Alert on this very subject. Their advice on how to tell the difference between zombie relatives and identity thieves includes:

• A thief will try to evade your grasp for as long as possible; whether or not it succeeds will depend on the quality of local law enforcement. A zombie will try to get you in its grasp as soon as possible; whether or not it succeeds will depend on how fast you can run.

• If the credit card is being used to buy a vacation on the Riviera, you should probably put your lawyer on speed dial. If it is being used to buy headcheese, you should probably get out the shotgun.

• Zombies are little bit country. Identity thieves are a little bit rock and roll.

• If their high school yearbook reads: "MOST LIKELY TO: travel the world under assumed names," you've probably got a case of identity theft. If their high school yearbook reads: MOST LIKELY TO: dribble disgusting liquids on you on your first date," you've probably got a textbook example of a zombie.

• Have you noticed people coming to repossess your car, cat or catamaran? Then, you're probably dealing with an identity thief. Have you noticed diseased body parts appearing on the lawns in your neighbourhood? Then, you're probably dealing with a zombie apocalypse. Make sure you have plenty of ammo for your shotgun.

• An identity thief will want to keep its own identity a secret for as long as possible. To a zombie, the concept of personal identity is a secret.

• Zombies tend to vote Republican. Identity thieves tend to vote Libertarian.

• Identity thieves usually wear designer clothes from Ralph Lauren or Junya Watanabe. Zombies sport the latest rotting clothes look from Toby's House of Advancing Decrepitude.

• Identity thieves want your money. Zombies want your blood. No, wait - that's vampires. Sorry for the confusion.

• If its Twitter description reads, "Credit cards are like potato chips - you can't stop at just one!", you're probably dealing with an identity thief. If its Twitter description reads, "aaauuungh rowf browf aaaaaaaargluuuuuung!", you're probably dealing with a zombie (although there is a slight chance that you are dealing with an identity thief who fell asleep at its keyboard).

• After they die, zombies can be found in the level of hell that includes butchers whose thumbs stray onto their scales, people who post messages on their Facebook pages that are ALL IN CAPS and people who let their four year-old children watch Three Stooges movies. After they die, identity thieves can be found in the level of hell that includes movie reviewers who don't warn you about spoilers, politicians who don't warn you that you will be rewarded for your vote for them by the gutting of programmes you rely on and potential boyfriends who don't warn you that they've been Three Stooges fans since they were four. Of course, this knowledge won't help you until after you die, but if you're the sort of person who has an insatiable curiosity, it is good to know.

• If the person uses the credit card to get a subscription to Cryptkeepers Monthly, it's probably a zombie. If the person gets a subscription to The New York Review of Books, it's probably an identity thief, and a well read identity thief at that.

• If the perpetrator's ring tone is a song by The Hooters called "All You Zombies" or anything by Dead Can Dance...it doesn't really prove anything. The identity thief could just be a fan.

• If you live in a Dean Koontz novel, your grannie is probably a zombie. If you live in a Robert J. Sawyer novel, her credit card is probably being used by an identity thief.

• Of course, there is always the possibility that the identity thief is a zombie. If you suspect that that is the case, look for next month's Centres for Zombie Control and Digital Crime Eradication (voted the fourth worst dressed government agency in a Tiger Beat poll)'s guidelines for how to deal with that situation.

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: never dip your tie in the finger bowl after May 1. Dip it into the shrimp sauce, instead.