Ask The Tech Answer Guy: A Really Bad Day

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Does a man cave have to be in an actual cave?

Yo, Johann...Gambolputty-de-von-Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crass- cren-bon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von- knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty- spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelter-wasser-kurstlich-himble- eisen-bahnwagen-guten-abend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwürstel- gespurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-schönendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittleraucher-von-Hautkopft,

Yes. Yes, it does.

The Tech Answer Guy

Really? Because, you know, I thought the term "man cave" was just a metaphor for a room in a house where a man could establish his dominance by surrounding himself with manly things. You know, like, huge beer steins (on doilies, of course, so you don't leave stains on the furniture) and the crutches your favourite football player used that month he was out of the lineup with an ingrown fungal infection on his right big toe and - dammit - forget the doilies, because this is a man cave and if a man wants to leave rings on the furniture, then - dammit a second time, dammit I say (even a third time) - that's his right as a man.

Right?

Yo, Everybody Just Calls Me Larry,

Thanks for simplifying the name thing.

As for your question - if I can presume to pick it out of that dense thicket of a paragraph - real men don't do metaphors. Metaphors just get in the way of direct communication. If it were more socially acceptable, real men would communicate entirely with grunts and hand gestures. We only use language to get by in the world, but only to the absolute minimum necessary to get our point across, and never metaphorically.

So, when I use the term man cave, I am actually talking about a room carved out of solid rock, preferably high on a cliff face. Our ancestors used to live in caves, and if holes in solid rock were good enough for them - I would say dammit, but Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy is trying to teach me couth - they're good enough for real men. If you don't believe me, just ask your grandfather.

The Tech Answer Guy

You make a good point, and I would hate to argue with you, you being The Tech Answer Guy and all, but wouldn't it be difficult to get electricity into a room carved out of solid rock high on a cliff face? And, if you couldn't get electricity up there, how would you be able to light the cave so you could watch your 40 inch, 3D, 4F, hi-5, 6-of-one TV? Studies have conclusively shown that watching television in the dark dramatically increases your risk of hearing loss.

Yo, Larry,

Yeah, yeah. On the one hand, real men enjoy their fictional drama, and what's a little hearing loss when there's a new episode of Once Upon a Time to be watched? On the other hand, are you serious?

I asked my grandfather, Granpa The Tech Answer Guy, your question. He told me that, a long time ago, in the Plasticine Era, men would rub two sticks together until they ignited, then use the burning stick to set a carefully configured group of branches ablaze. And, if that didn't work, they'd use a Zippo. This fire would allow them to watch TV all night, and, of course, they would have no trouble watching in the day as long as their cave faced west towards the sunrise.

I have to say, though, that I am sensing some resistance on your part to the traditional conception of the man cave.

The Tech Answer Guy

Well, yeah, okay, sure, that makes sense, I guess. Still, there seem to be other problems with your conceptualization of the man cave. For instance: how would it be possible to get a Wi-Fi signal through solid rock? I'm a popular guy - how am I supposed to survive in a man cave if I can't check my email every 30 seconds?

Yo, L.,

Have you ever heard of smoke signals? Believe me, if you make a fire in your man cave, you will be generating a lot of smoke - learn how to harness that for your communication.

Okay, we are clearly beyond resistance here and into open defiance. Sorry, but I cannot allow that to continue. L., if that is your real name, the Tech Answer Guy is cutting you off. No more questions until you can prove to me that you adhere to the Macho Code of Manliness!

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: a core meltdown of your computer, causing you to lose all of your data, can sour even the most die-hard tech-head on new technology. I'm just sayin'...