Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine convinced me to sign up for a Farcebook page. She's no longer a friend of mine, but 2,347 people I have never met soon took her place, so it just goes to show you. Something.
A year ago, my home page started listing something called Klowte. I assumed that it had something to do with an old Jane Fonda movie and ignored it, but 146 of my new friends told me that it was a measure of my online popular persuasive power (PPP). Apparently, Klowte takes things like how many friends you have, how often you post, how often your posts are "not despised" by your friends and a variety of other measurable quantities, puts them in a blender for three minutes with the Blade Brothers in high dudgeon and comes up with a two digit number indicating your PPP Quotient (just add a Q to PPP).
Well. In the first six months, my Klowte topped out at 13, so it clearly wasn't an accurate measure of my power as a social networker. Then, overnight, it shot up to 37. Obviously, it was brilliant at capturing my power as a social networker!
Eighty-seven friends warned me that the only reason I had risen so far so fast was that Klowte changed the algorithm it used to calculate Klowte scores. They were obviously jealous of my newfound popularity. Then, a month to the day later, my Klowte dropped to 22. The only explanation I could come up with for the plunge was that Klowte had changed the algorithm it used to calculate Klowte scores.
Since then, my emotions have been a Top Thrill Dragster ride as my Klowte has seesawed worse than a pair of kids on crack. Last month, it was at an all time high of 57. Then, just last week, it plummeted to -7. You read me write. My Klowte is in negative numbers. When that was posted, 2,312 of my Farcebook friends "nope, I never met this mook in my life, officer"ed me, including Pope Benedict XVI and my mother. Most of the rest have names like Bernadette Bombshell and Bianca Babelicious and would like to chat with me in their most private area, if I know what they mean.
So. Should I commit social suicide by closing my Farcebook page, or should I just kill myself?
Sincerely,Yo, Timbo,
Remember how the cool kids in high school invited you to sit at their table for lunch one afternoon? You hadn't done anything different: you were still a member of the Alan Turing, I Love You Club and you still played with Keith Laumer inaction figures. the invitation came totally out of the blue, right? Just as out of the blue as when, two weeks later, when you tried to sit with the cool kids, they all moved to another table. You hadn't fed chocolate to Binky Lautner's purse Labrador retriever. You insincerely laughed at Bobby Tumulty's aggression in the form of lame jokes just like everybody else in the group. Yet, you were suddenly and for no apparent reason out of favour.
Klowte is something like that, only you get rejected by a computer algorithm instead of actual human beings.
Or, do you? Klowte Inkorporated is so secretive about the algorithm, they make Colonel Sanders seem like Gladys Kravitz. (Yeah, the Tech Answer Guy may be spending more time on The Retro Television Network than is, strictly speaking, healthy for a sentient being.) Some people have questioned whether there is an algorithm at all, or whether KI actually just randomly assigns numbers to Farcebook users.
Which, come to think of it, would be exactly like high school.
Now, the fact that you're writing suggests that you survived high school, so you'll probably survive this; at worst, it will add a couple of new neuroses to your psychological palette. And, won't you feel good about yourself when your shrink takes a keen interest in your new symptoms?
Oh, and, for your information pleasure, it's pronounced klow-tay. Klow-tay. The Tech Answer Guy's close personal friend the Language Corrector Dude says that the word is derived from klowtatus, the ancient Greek word for the smarty-pants everybody hates but has to respect for his superior knowledge. Sort of like the Language Corrector Dude.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: jokes about kids on crack are not funny. Now, if it had been ecstasy…