Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
When my girlfriend, the Yak Attack (her name is actually Faith Justine Yak, but this is my passive-aggressive term of endearment for her), was young, she used to suck on stones. Nobody told her to, either, and she certainly didn't get the idea from reading avant garde novels, because her taste runs more to romantic non-fiction novels about exotic fruits and vegetables that you can't get in this country. Anywhatsiehoosits, she got some strange comfort out of the practice. When she was done with the stones, she used to spit them out at boys in the playground. As you can imagine, this habit did not endear the Yak Attack to her History of Lint 101 prof years later.
You think you want to know everything about your partner, but you really don't. I know. Everything. And, I don't.
When the Yak Attack masturbates, she dreams of Sandra Oh from Sideways hitting that guy with her motorcycle helmet. I'm sorry, but that goes above and beyond the call of kinky. She thinks baba au rhum is the name of a song by The Who. Her heart bleeds Welfare checks. She believes that recycling tin cans makes her ass look fat. (Don't get me started...!) A couple of years ago, she joined the "I Heart Tuna" Farcebook group, where she taunts other members with long stories of fishing trips with her family. Oh, the outrage! The outrage.
I found out all of this - and so very much more - by using the I 2 I with the Yak Attack (who I thought had come to accept my nickname for her with an emotion that was not too distant from mild fondness - a few blocks over rather than across the street - but, as it turned out, had fled to another city altogether). You may have heard about it: each person sticks wires on their heads which gives them complete access to the other person's thoughts and memories. If you've never tried it, the wires are like the tentacles of an alien creature that suck out your brains - okay, maybe I wasn't entirely comfortable with the procedure. But, given the results, can you blame me?
Knowing what I know, I...I don't think I can continue in this relationship. Should I leave the Yak Attack a text message, or should a defriend her on Farcebook and stop returning her IMs and hope she gets the idea?
Sincerely,Yo, Barkie,
That's a bit of an overreaction, don't you think? I mean, the whole I 2 I melting the brains of lovers who use it is something of an urban legend - only two cases have ever been fully documented, and all the people involved were Pisces! As Mutant Technologies CEO Theodoric Monangahela has said, "Aww, waddya wanna go bringing up that for? Only two cases have ever been fully documented, and all the people involved were -"
Oh, wait. That wasn't your question, was it?
I wanted to ask Deepak Chopra for his advice about your problem, but he is a close personal friend of Amritsar, and she doesn't like to share. So, instead I asked Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street. Phil says this girl's a keeper.
We all tend to withhold information from our partners; Freud called this the "withholding information from our partners" stage of cycle-sexual development. Unfortunately, what is repressed inevitably comes out, usually at the most unfortunate times. Would you rather your girlfriend had told you about her Sandra Oh helmet hitting fetish in the middle of he family's Christmas dinner? I don't know about you, but that would just about give my Auntie Chuckles a coronary! Really! I can picture her face down in the bowl of cranberry sauce as Uncle Grimoire tries to give her wrists CPR and Little Timmy calls the paramedics!
I love Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy dearly, but the possibility of having to cope with an unexpected personal revelation is the reason I dread my family's Christmas dinners.
Don't you see? Your girlfriend has come pre-surprised. Your Christmas cranberry sauce is safe! Hold on to her as tightly as you can.
Wise are the ways of Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: The MCM (Macho Code of Manliness) is a code, it is not in code. If you don't understand it, watch more John Wayne movies!