Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I work the line at the Nakamichi Flesh Companion plant in Indianapolis, Sri Lanka. You could say I'm a tits and ass man. That's not a personal fetish - I inspect the breasts and butts as they come off the assembly line to ensure they meet the company's exacting standards for female pulchritude, as laid out in the Flesh Companion Production Code, v. 7.283e. (My personal fetish is for the third finger of a woman's right hand - my friends tell me that's weird, but you probably get it a lot. Right? Yeah. Of course, you do...)
I worked the line for thirty years; I can honestly say that I have seen more female flesh than the security detail at Hef's mansion! And, all that time, I was carefully saving every penny I could. Finally, with an employee discount and a student loan (well, it would prove to be a learning experience, wouldn't it?), I was able to purchase one of Nakamichi's Flesh Companions for myself.
I called her Irma Ge.
Irma Ge was a low-end model, with a small body, no attachments and a lack of knowledge of international literature. But, she came fully programmed with Julia Child, Mata Hari and Tera Patrick sub-routines, so I would just have to live without discussions of Haruki Murakami's latest novel.
At first, Irma Ge's presence in my life made all the sacrifice worthwhile. I mean, we screwed like virtual rabbits! She also made a mean three bean quail lasagna. Unfortunately, about three months into the relationship, I got a rash on my...umm...private parts.
At first, I did what any self-respecting man would do: I ignored the rash in the hope that it would go away. Unfortunately, our continued virtual rabbiting activity made the rash worse in ways that my lawyer tells me the contract with the company forbids me from making public. What I can say is that the doctor I was eventually forced - against everything the Macho Code of Manliness stands for - to see informed me that I have a skin sensitivity to Neoprene 47, the lubricant Irma Ge uses for all of her joints and, err, various other body parts.
I could try to substitute a different lubricant for the one she uses, but that would probably void the warranty. Then, if Irma Ge decided to do something crazy like serve me squid with lug nut sauce or become a Maoist and start demanding the overthrow of the IMF or explain how the different levels of reality interact in 1Q84 , I would not be able to ask the company to help stop her. On the other hand, the contract clearly states that I am not entitled to a refund or an exchange.
Is there anything I can do?
Sincerely,Yo, Albert,
First off, I gotta thank your lawyer for advising you not to share with the rest of us the details of how your rash spread. Some people read The Tech Answer Guy with their morning breakfast, you know.
As for your little problem, did you ever watch the Twilight Zone? And, I'm not talking about the first revival in the 1980s, or the second revival in 2002, or - heaven forfend! - the 1983 film! No, I'm talking about the original series from the 1950s. You know, the one where William Shatner played the guy who saw a demon on the wing of his plane, but couldn't get anybody else to believe him? Man, was that creepy!
Umm. Yeah. Anyhow. Most of the shows ended with an ironic twist not unlike the one you describe. Then, they would fade to black and you would have to wait a week for another episode. Your story sounded like it would make a good episode of the Twilight Zone. A not safe for work, lock up your daughters, "What's your problem with women, buste - err, oh, ick, on second thought, don't tell me" episode of the Twilight Zone. Still.
So, my suggestion to you would be to either find a magnifying glass so that you can read all of the books in the library you now have time for, or accept the limp as the price you pay for the wisdom gained from the experience of reliving your youth.
Oh, and, private parts? Really? Do you know how many people read The Tech Answer Guy?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: references to classic science fiction shows aren't always as insightful as you might think they would be.