Dear Amritsar,
You know how, when people are nervous about meeting others for the first time, they are told: "Just be yourself?" This is good advice if you're Mother Teresa. Unfortunately, since most of us aren't Mother Teresa (probably including Mother Teresa), this advice is about as helpful as "Look both ways before you cross a loan shark" or "When in doubt, throw the clown a porcupine!"
Let's be honest: people aren't always the best judges of how to promote themselves to others, especially potential mates. Why would a man put at the top of his match.com profile that he has the biggest collection of tarantula corpses in the province? I mean - just, why?
That's where I enter the picture (one of those moving ones that you see in Harry Potter) For over a decade, I have worked as a match site "adjuster." People pay me to edit their online profiles on sites like eHarmony and Zoosk to make them appear more appealing to people they hope to meet. This is how it works:
ORIGINAL POST: If I like your photo, I will stalk you.
ADJUSTED VERSION: Enjoys getting to know new people.
To be able to get through my day without having to drink a fifth of Scotch, I convinced myself that this wasn't helping people be dishonest. Oh, no. I was helping people express the Platonic Ideal of who they were.
Over the years, these are some of the Platonic Ideals I have helped people discover about themselves:
I have never had to use the last one, but in this business it pays to be prepared.
Somewhere between prone to manic depression and spends all of his free time reading bodice rippers, my Platonic Ideal of what I was doing began to fray around the edges. I wondered what it would be like if I went on a date with somebody whose profile said he "plays well with others" only to have him ask to borrow money because the profile actually meant that he had a gambling problem. I suspected I would not be happy. I started to think that Plato drank a fifth of Scotch to get through his days.
I tried telling myself that my job was no different from the seller describing his home as unstressful, with lots of room for pets and a great basis to build upon when he really means that it's dreary and has bats in the attic and a crumbling foundation. Except for the exterminator bills, I suppose.
Still, you can't kid Margot Kidder. Lately, I've begun to worry that there is no difference between freshening up people's profiles and not being forthcoming...shading the truth...lying. Other than the big commissions, I suppose. Am I responsible for the disappointment of the person who thought they were getting a partner with a keen interest in nasal hygiene feels when they find the person not living up to his Platonic Ideal?
Can you help put my mind at ease on this subject?
Daria Verpeake
Hey, Babe,
People who are lonely brood. And, people who brood do one of two things: go on a rampage and shoot others from a bell tower or make maudlin movies about the impossibility of emotionally connecting to another human being. The way I see it, if you can keep one lonely person from making a maudlin movie about the impossibility of emotionally connecting to another human being, your entire life will have been worthwhile.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: When you believe in things you don't understand...and you stutter? Stevie, what are you trying to say?!