by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Morpork Adelian has his mother's eyes and his father's tentacles. When he was three years old, Morpork would hit himself in the head with an iron because he wanted to see and hear the birdies flying around his head. When he started grade school, Morpork couldn't help but notice that none of the other children enjoyed dancing in grease fires the way he did. In fact, they became quite fearful at the prospect.
"We knew that little Morpork was different when we adopted him," allowed Fergus Augustus Adelian, Morpork's father. "We thought that he would adapt to life in the human world, but...but I guess that, though his body seems infinitely flexible, his approach to life isn't."
Human adoption of toons is rare, but it does happen. In this case, Morpork was left on the doorstep of a local OffTheWal*Mart, happily gurgling and cooing in his cradle next to a stick of dynamite. When the dynamite went off, it left a six foot wide crater in the parking lot, but, other than a dark smudge on his forehead, Morpork was unaffected.
"When my car was finally towed out of the crater," said Amelia Adelian (nee: Pondscum), "I had fallen in love with Morpork's blue eyes. It didn't occur to me until years later that there was something strange about the way they would sometimes be bigger than his head."
Morpork's difficulty adjusting to human life was eased somewhat by An-Atoon, a support group for teen toons who lived in human families. "Mom and dad were great," he explained. "But, we just believed in different things. They thought honesty was the most important quality a young man could have, I thought it was Boston cream pies."
Boston cream pies?
"You know," Morpork rolled his eyes. "Being funny?"
An-Atoon helped Morpork realize that, even though he might be different, there was a place in the world for him. "Here were kids like me," he stated. "Kids who weren't afraid to grab a live wire and have 10,000 volts illuminate their skeletons, kids who knew what it meant to be alive!" He even got sweet on an anthropomorphic cow by the name of Anabellum.
Over the years, An-Atoon has helped thousands of young men, women and singing swords just like Morpork adjust to the human world. That record of good works is now being threatened by government funding cutbacks.
"Well, you know how it works," stated Frenetic Jones, Health and Human Resources Undersecretary for Breaking Bad News to Poor People, "When the economy goes off the fiscal cliff, it won't appear in the next scene to buy new Acme products!"
She added that, while An-Atoon was an organization with worthy goals, the insurance on the buildings where it met was killing everybody involved. "The Anglican church no longer wants An-Atoon meetings to be held in its church basements," Jones pointed out, "and, they'll take anybody!"
"Okay, yeah, sure, when teen toons get together, havoc usually follows," admitted Fergus, a greeter at a local Hummer Winblad Venture Partners office. "Still, they helped Morpork accept who he was, and he's much happier now. When you think of the contribution all of those teen toons could make to society if they just had a similar experience, well, isn't that worth the occasional building reduced to burning rubble?"
It has been suggested that everybody would be better off if toons were brought up by their own kind. "I didn't say that," Jones insisted. Actually, we pointed out, she was the one who said it. "Fine!" Jones grumped. "See if I ever trust you with Double Dog Dare You Triple Blind Deep Background information ever again!"
"That's just not right," Amelia argued. "As long as a child is raised with love, he will - MORPORK, PUT THAT ANVIL DOWN THIS INSTANT! I'M NOT KIDDING, YOUNG MAN - ANVIL! DOWN! NOW! Umm, yeah - love. As long as there is love in a family, it can overcome cultural differences. And, anvils."
Like most teens, Morpork has big dreams for the future. "I'd like to create an umbrella that is light as a feather but strong enough to withstand an onslaught of thousand ton boulders," he told the Alternate Reality News Service. "That, or become a stuntman for the movies. Yeah. Stuntman. That would be cool."
When we asked about his relationship with his parents, Morpork described it as "moribund." When we asked if it was really all that bad, he quickly added: "No, no. I meant that we all wish we could eat additional pieces of spongy cake. That's not bad. Not bad at all..."