by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues
While you're sitting in your car at the drive-thru window, waiting for the Revolutionary Grille to make your Violent Venison sandwich with a side of Minutemen Mashed potatoes and, inevitably, Boston Harbour Tea, have you ever wanted to watch a live performance of the "Springtime for Hitler" number from The Producers?
Well, now you can.
"Drive thru theatre is an idea whose time has not only come, but it's gotten a good, long cuddle and gone to the bathroom for a nice, warm soak!" enthused Brett Berbagginary, artistic director of the Teatro Alcool theatre company. "I haven't been this excited since I saw Hugh Jackman's performance as Wolverine in the Sydney Opera House's performance of Cats!"
The concept is simple enough: between the panorama of the Battle of Kemp's Landing, where you place your order, and the recreation of a flintlock storage hut from the Battle of Turtle Gut Inlet, where you pick up your food, is a stage. When you order your victuals, you can also order a scene from a wide variety of tasty plays that will then be performed on the stage for you while you wait for the food to be prepared. A typical scene costs $4.99 for three minutes, but you can supersize your theatre by paying a mere dollar for an extra two minutes.
A Revolutionary Grille in Val D'or, North Mexico has been chosen as the site for the first experiment in drive-thru theatre. Casque O'montillado, owner of the franchise restaurant, was enthusiastic. "They begged me to try it," he said with a smile. "Night and day. Phone calls and email. It was either give in or get a restraining order. Giving in involved fewer lawyers."
"You know," O'montillado added, "we served Freedom Fries before they were popular!"
Backgrounds are rear-projected onto the back of the theatre space, while costumes have to be versatile enough for the actors to switch on a moment's notice between Death of a Salesman, The Two Gentlemen of Verona and Spiderman: Turn off the Dark. "Challenge? Of course it was a challenge!" Berbagginary roared. "But, in the theatre, we thrive on challenge! We live for challenge! We chew challenge up and spit out authenticity! Challenge is woven into the very warp and woof - no, woof and weft - no, wait, I know it's two words that both start with a 'w,' - I just - aaah! - excuse me a moment, will you? I need a generous swig of Maalox..."
If the experiment in drive-thru theatre is popular, Berbagginary said that an incentive card could be introduced that would allow patrons who bought 10 short scenes to get their 11th free. This would also allow the company to start scenes at the last point the customer experienced. "It would be - urp! - excuse me - slow motion drama!" Berbagginary enthused. "I'm such an innovator!"
Public reaction to the new menu has been mixed.
"The duel scene from Hamlet was very realistic," complained freelance data insubstantiator Marge Garbanzo. "I mean, very realistic. So realistic, I could barely hold down my Bunker Hill Bison Burger!"
"Yeah, well, I thought The Front Page would offer caustic commentary on the sorry state of modern journalism," groused pheasant farmer Melancholia Dvorak. "Instead, I got frantic physical comedy and dated dialogue. Oh, and my Freedom Fries were burnt!"
"Okay, so, here's the thing," bitched used car wrangler Jesse Gompers. "I wanted to see a scene from a play where good triumphs over evil in a mystical realm of wizards and elves and hobbits and such. Instead, I got a scene of children on an island going crazy over a pig's head! Okay, I'll admit, the acting was very good. And, yes, perhaps I should have read the theatre menu more closely. Still, it's not like I can send a performance back to the kitchen, is it?"
O'montillado was not im - look, the person in the last example praised the acting, so, even though the quotes are mostly negative, I can legitimately write that the reaction has been mixed. Pfah! What are you, a semiotics professor? What? You are a semiotics professor? Good - I have this question about Derrida's conception of deconstruction that you may be able to help me with - can we meet after the last sentence of the article?
O'montillado was not impressed by the publics reaction to the theatre menu. "I don't know how much longer I can carry these mooks," he commented.
"Ah, but the show must go on," Berbagginary pointed out.
"What does that even mean?" O'montillado retorted. "You don't hear me saying, 'The Freedom Fries must go on!'"
"It means, my Philistinic friend, that we have a 16 week contract," Berbagginary pointed out. "So, the show - and The Freedom Fries - why not? - I can afford to be magnanimous on the matter - must go on!"