by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
According to a report by the General Unaccounting for Taste Office, Love Camps where pregnant American women are housed until their unformed citizens are born, are filthy, overcrowded, understaffed and generally unconducive to the healthy birthin' of no babies.
"They're like 19th century Homes for Unwed Mothers," the report reported, "except without the come hither look in their eyes...or the whips. Granted, in the age of Fifty Shades of Disgusting, whips have a different set of connotations than they did in the 19th century. Still..."
"Weeeeeellllll," drawled President Micklaus Huckleberry-Hunte, "women have to bear citizens, but that doesn't mean that the government should saddle those citizens with debt before they're even born!"
Journalists at the Presidential press opportunity looked at each other nervously. They were well aware that the military budget - which is now 87 per cent of government spending - continued to contribute to the multi-bagillion dollar debt. They were even more aware that the last person to ask a question about the subject was busted to the latrine beat of the Spokane Sun-Wishing Well. Discussion quickly turned to the war on Belgium.
It has been two years since the Sanctity of Life and Getting the Economy Going Again bill was passed by a Republican Congress and signed into law by President Huckleberry-Hunte. Any woman of citizen-bearing age who is suspected of exhibiting the warm glow of motherhood is immediately sent to a Love Camp where she can carry the baby to term (whether she can afford to raise it or not). To pay for their stay in a Love Camp, the women are expected to work at factories that are conveniently built next door.
"We're not Barbarians," said Dusty D'Aquino, owner of the Generic Motors Love Production Facility in Detroit. "Women do not have to work on the assembly line past their seventh month of pregnancy...we have a variety of payment plans for their final two months."
D'Aquino was asked if this forced labour was a form of slavery. "The love of a mother for her citizen is a special joy that every woman should experience - whether they want to or not," he replied.
No, no, no, the questioner continued, I meant forced labour in the economic, not procreational sense. D'Aquino frowned. "Have you ever worked at the Spokane Sun-Wishing Well?" he asked. "I hear they're looking to expand the latrine beat..."
At the last count, as many as "many" medical professionals were leaving the United States in order to avoid working at the Love Camps. This has forced the government to encourage doctors, nurses and pediatric dental herbalists from such places as Saudi Arabia to emigrate to the US to work.
"I must say, the Saudis have been very helpful," President Huckleberry-Hunte commented. "We may not agree on much, but we do seem able to find common ground on the issue of the proper relationship between a woman and her citizens."
"Love Camps? Phooey!" said Spokane Sun-Wishing Well feminist latrine reporter Barbara Boo-Hawe. "Let's call them what they really are: Atwoods!"
"They're called Love Camps, not...Atwoods..." President Huckleberry-Hunte shuddered. "Don't get me wrong - I think Maggs was a seminal figure in forging the modern Canadian literary identity. I just don't believe that references to her dystopian fiction are helpful in this context."
Undaunted, Boo-Hawe pointed out that wealthy women had ways of avoiding spending time at the Atwoods. Some have their zygotes implanted into surrogates, for instance, who then spend nine months in the...controversially named medical facilities under scrutiny in the wealthy women's stead. Some women who can afford it take a vacation in Belize or St. Moritz. A nine months to the day vacation. And, return with a babbling, burbling citizen of joy. Some women who can afford it take a vacation to Paris or Toronto. A two week vacation. And, return empty-handed.
"Yeah, I'll admit that does look suspicious," President Huckleberry-Hunte allowed. "But, since the women or their husbands tend to be donors to my political campaign, I'm gonna assume that sometimes a vacation is just a vacation and leave it at that."
Don't the poor conditions that exist in the - can we compromise and call them Love Atwoods? - those places have the potential to cause unnecessary health risks for newborn children?
"How a mother raises her newly born citizen is entirely up to her," President Huckleberry-Hunte replied. "After all, the sacredness of the mother/citizen relationship is a private matter!"