by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court Writer
We've all done it. Some of us claim all of the paper we buy in a year as a business expense on our taxes, even if most of it was used to print off chapters of the novel we're never going to finish, let alone sell. Err...that may be a limited example. Some of us do not acknowledge the money we are paid for the short articles we publish under pseudonyms in obscure publica - uhh, no, that may not apply to many people either. Some of us do not report the income we get from rewiring our brother in-law's Ruumba so that it can safely land a 747 in an emergency because we were paid under the table in live ocelots.
Tax avoidance. It's as Vespuccian as apple pie. However, one citizen is taking it to a whole new level.
"Uhh, yeah, I'm not really trying to embody a philosophical position," argued 50 metre naturopathic entrepreneur Andrew Ackbafaloonian. "Really. I just don't want to pay any taxes."
Because you're opposed to giving your hard-earned money to a government that will waste it on programmes you do not believe in?
"Noooooo," Ackbafaloonian insisted. "Because I have my eye on this sweet little island - you may have heard of it: England?"
According to his company tax returns, Ackbafaloonian was paid $15 billion from 2001 to 2011, not including stock options, which would increase his income to a size for which the English language does not have a word (and it would be tacky for me to just make one up). According to his personal tax returns, however, he only made $3.47 in that time period.
"When Ed in Janitorial Services pointed the discrepancy out to us," said VRS legal counsel Maryanne Verblunphonieme, "Well! We knew careers could be made on this one!"
And, justice might be served?
"Yeah, sure," Verblunphonieme agreed. "That, too."
Vespuccian Revenue Service v Ackbafaloonian is currently being heard by the Supreme Court. Ackbafaloonian's defence consists of the argument that North American courts have largely upheld people's right to lie, so why not in his case?
In pre-trial hearings, Ackbafaloonian's lawyers introduced the case of the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals, which ruled that it is perfectly legal to pass laws requiring doctors to lie to women who want an abortion by telling them that the legal medical procedure puts them at greater risk for suicide, even though there is no scientific evidence for the claim.
"I see your point," Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia skeptically commented. "Still, one case does not make for a pattern."
Ackbafaloonian's lawyers followed this with the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals decision that Baltimore cannot require faith-based pregnancy counselling centers to post disclaimers noting they won't assist clients in receiving abortions or birth control, letting them be dishonest with women about the true nature of what they do.
"Interesting," Chief Justice Robalthomkenlia, warming to the subject, commented. "Still, I don't see a pattern."
Ackbafaloonian's lawyers went on to describe a Washburningdington State Supreme Court ruling that struck down a law which penalized politicians who knew that their campaign ads contained falsehoods, but put them out anyway.
"Who doesn't understand that politicians lie?" Chief Justice Robalthomkenlia mused. "Still, a pattern does seem to be emerging..."
"This is insane!" complained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "If lying on your tax return can be defended as ‘free speech,' the whole financial underpinning of our political system will collapse!"
And, how is that different from any of the other "insane" aspects of Vespuccian idiotocracy that she has been railing against for so many years?
"I'm so tired," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. "So very, very tired..."
"Andrew's got to win," argued television talking ass Bill Onomoforeill. "I mean, I mean, I mean: this country was founded on deceit. We got Manhattan by promising to give the natives a handful of beaded necklaces and their own reality TV series - and we've been lying ever since!"
When asked if he took this position because he wanted to save himself a ton of taxes on his own hefty income, Onomoforeill thoughtfully bellowed, "OF COURSE NOT! Although, if lying is not upheld as a matter of free speech, I may lose my job..."
The trial will begin in the Supreme Court on September 4. Unless the clerk of the court was lying to us...