by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer2
Bought and Paid FourWhen he first started writing crowdsourced novels, Daniel Perlmutter was doing something exciting and fresh; but, with the completion of his Sucker Born Every Web Page trilogy, the well of creativity seems to have run dry.3 Daniel Perlmutter's first two crowdsourced novels were confused, with inconsistent characters and only intermittently brilliant passages, but, I must admit, I enjoyed his most recent work.4
So, you, uhh, could say I was conflicted.
The basic idea behind the works is that members of the public pay to contribute different parts of the novel. How much they pay depends upon what aspect of the work they wish to contribute. The scale ranges from: $1 for an adjective, adverb or preposition; $2 for a noun or a verb; $50 for a chapter title; $827 to name a minor character; $1,654 to name a major character, and; $10,000 to write the script for the book trailer.
As Jean-Paul Magritte may have said (had he not been huffing ammonia fumes for the last 10 minutes of his life): "Ceci n'est pas une histoire."5 H3y, B00b00 - it's @ gr8 id3a & @ $up3r r3@d!6
He looked at her. She looked at him. They looked at each other. Hesitantly. Expectantly. Franchot Tonically. "I...I didn't know a book could be so confusing," she said, thwarted desire dripping from every syllable like honey dripping off the Hoover Dam. "Don't beat yourself up over it, babe," he said, taking her in his husky arms (which he had borrowed from the lead sled dog). "Literary experimentation is a mug's game!"7
One problem with the book, of course, is that, in the absence of any clear direction from the author, different people who contributed material to Bought and Paid Four thought that they were contributing to works in different literary genres. Thus, you have a sensitive coming of age during the Crusades segment followed by a passage of a sensitive portrayal of resistance to an alien invasion set a thousand or more years in the future. To say that they do not always sit well on the page together is like saying that porkpie hats don't look smart on velociraptors!
"It's the ultimate mash-up!" Perlmutter enthusiastically defended his book.8 Yeah, right. It's about as coherent as the universe in the first nanosecond after the Big Bang!9 You have to approach Bought and Paid Four as you would any work of experimental literature or improvised explosive de10
[EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Indira, what the hell do you think you're doing?]
I'm turning into a colourful butterfly and rising above the tumult of human existe11
[Yeah, yeah. I'm talking to my writer here. Take your angst to open mic night at your local Human Beanz, Goth Girl! INDIRA! What's going on, here? I gave you a simple book review assignment, and you've given me word soup! Not even tasty word soup, either - word soup that tastes like sweat socks and cilantro!]
Actually, sweat socks cilantro soup is a delicacy in the Gamma Sutra quadrant of
[CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT, HERE!]
Right. Okay. I'm focusing on what is important here.12
[I heard that footnote!]
Sorry.
[So, what's the deal?]
I thought...I thought it would be a good idea to write a review that mimicked the form of the book being reviewed.
[How very pre-post-anti-footstool-modern of you. Did you make up the names of the people in your footnotes? Because, honestly, who would believe a name like Charlie Watts?]
No, actually. I umm, put an ad on KickAssStarter for people who would be willing to pay to contribute to a book review...
[Seriously, Indira? Seriously? If journalism had ethics, this would definitely cross the line! Okay, I've read enough. Stop this nonsense and finish the review yourself.]
But, I have twelve additional contributors who have paid $50 or more to be a part of this review!
[And, who, exactly gets all the money your review is generating?]
Erm...yes, well, all in all, Bought and Paid Four is a mixed bag of literary experimentation and bad economic theory that has run its course and probably shouldn't be repeated.
Notes
1. Flopsy Oregano paid $500 to name this review.