by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
Has humanity reached peak helium?
"Yes. Goodness, yes. Un hunh. For sure. Of course we have. Yes, yes, oh my, yes," said Colin Farrell. (Not the actor and scourge of hotel room telephones everywhere. The other Colin Farrell. Although, actually, not the multimillionaire inventor of the prosthetic butt cheek, either. The other other Colin Farrell. Of course, I'm not referring to the Colin Farrell who works in the invoice processing department of Toys 'r' Somebody Else (We Make Leather Goods for Adults) and tracks feral rubber ducks through the wilds of Oakland on weekends. No, I'm talking about the other other other Colin Far - look. I'm talking about the Colin Farrell who knows more about helium than any other man (and all but seven women) alive.
Cut me some slack, okay? It's a common name.
According to, in the interest of brevity, the (single) other Colin Farrell, the United States has found all of the precious gas the country contains, and, at present rates of consumption, will likely run out in less than 25 years.
"Then, we will not be able to have lighter than air balloons at birthday parties," the (single) other Colin Farrell warned. "When imaginary children of the future try to bat balloons back and forth in a way we take for granted now, they will watch as the balloons plummet to the floor! Oh, the misery! Oh, the humanity!"
"Oh, hogtarts!" said Tom Hanks, an energy analyst with Burton Barston Batman and Funkyton. (Who shouldn't be confused with Tom Hanks, the part time door to door previously loved canoe salesman and full time town drunk, Tom Hanks, the author of a series of worst-selling Inuit vampire mystery romances or Tom Hanks the Fig Newton Chair of Dainty Comestibles and one of the Kool Kolleagues of Keith Kelly at Kelowna Kollege. Oh, and, I think there may be a famous one that I'm forgetting, too.) "That's just scaremongering. Fear fetishism. Unhappiness ululating. Remember the helium scares of the 1970s? We thought for sure the gas was running out, but it turned out that we have more now than we ever did!
"As science finds new ways of identifying and extracting helium from the environment, the stores will actually increase and last almost...forever!"
"Finite resources cannot last forever," the (single) other Colin Farrell, with academic politeness, scoffed. "Where did you get your information - the tooth fairy?"
"I'll have you know," Fig Newton Chair of Dainty Comestibles Tom Hanks hotly retorted (his office doesn't have air conditioning), "that the tooth fairy has a Masters in Geological Sciences and has been tracking this issue for over a century! And, you thought she was just a pretty wand!"
The (single) other Colin Farrell is one of 10,000 researchers in the party sciences who have signed a petition warning that if something isn't done now to preserve helium stores, they will quickly disappear.
"Dilettantes," Fig Newton Chair of Dainty Comestibles Tom Hanks, one of a dozen helium optimists, returned the (single) other Colin Farrell's scoff. He pointed out that even if the most pessimistic projections are true - and, they're not, but we're just imagining for the sake of argument that they are, so don't take them too seriously, humanity could always build starships to mine helium from the sun.
Wouldn't that be really expensive?
Fig Newton Chair of Dainty Comestibles Tom Hanks waved a dismissive hand in my direction. "As the price of helium soars," he explained, only scoffing a little bit around the edges, "the cost of mining the sun will seem more and more reasonable."
He pointed out that other, less extreme measures were also under consideration. For example, there was currently research going on into substitutes for helium at several different universities and ice cream parlours. Liquid hydrogen had held out much promise, until it was definitely found that it caused balloons to freeze and shatter.
Research into alternatives continues, he assured me.
"In the meantime, what about the children?" the (single) other Colin Farrell asked, his voice squeaky high. "How will they be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of making their voice do this if the price of helium rises sharply?"
"But, what - hee hee," I tried to ask. "I mean - ha, ha - oh, that's great, but - hee hee hee!" I waved away the question as I doubled over in laughter. Yes, I will definitely miss helium-heightened voices when they are gone.
"We can't let such emotional thinking get in the way of science," Fig Newton Chair of Dainty Comestibles Tom Hanks put on a warm scoff. I got the distinct impression that he would have preferred to end his disquisition on a note that involved simple childish pleasures denied, but was miffed that the (single) other Colin Farrell had beaten him to it.