by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
Congress has done the unthinkable and voted to decrease its own pay in order to financially support snail research.
"It was the right thing to do for our country," said Reduhblican Senator Chuck Gasleygrassteahee. "And, it was the right thing to do for snails."
"So much for reducing the Pentagon budget," responded Dumboprat Senator Patrick Leasaypromhybomb, exasperatedly throwing his four hands in the air. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to attend a WalzelhokrestureMart training seminar. I hear greeting people in Fresno is nice this time of year."
The move comes as the 10 year plan to weaponize mollusks – now in its 23rd year, not counting reruns – is finally set to bear fruit: the nuclear powered snail.
"We prefer to think of it as the AI Enhanced Nuclear Capable Gastropod Defense System," stated lead researcher J. Robert Tolkistfeynbushnant. "But, you can call it Project X-2011c for short."
The plan has been to destroy underground weapons facilities by introducing high yield nuclear snails into their vegetable gardens. To do this, Defense Uninhibited High-tech Purchasing Arrangers (DUHPA) researchers grafted fissionable material onto the skin of cyborg snails, implanted digital hardware into their nervous systems and added a catalytic converter to their undersides to make their slime trails less slimy. Or, traily.
"Yeah, I know that last one doesn't make much sense," Tolkistfeynbushnant admitted. "But DUHPA had to do it – it was a sop to environmentally conscious senators to get their votes on the appropriations bill."
"While you're at it, why don't you have the snail shoot lasers out of its eyes!" scoffed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
Tolkistfeynbushnant opened his mouth for a withering retort about civilian ignorance getting in the way of scientific progress, but didn't actually say anything. After a few seconds of gape-mouthed thought, he responded, "Actually, a laser guidance system emanating from the mollusk's ocular cavities would help us overcome a problem we've been having pinpointing targets. Yes...yes, it just might work! Thank you, token smart person!"
To show her delight at being so helpful to the Pentagon, Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam hit her forehead with the palm of her hand. Hit it hard.
The plan has suffered some setbacks.
The first test of the miniaturized nuclear bomb eight years ago was not sustainable. However, instead of merely petering out, the chain reaction ended up imploding, creating a miniature black hole that sucked in three quarters of New Mexico, over half of Texas and seventeen twenty-sevenths of Minnesota before it was finally brought under control.
"Minnesota was never a big supporter of military research," Tolkistfeynbushnant sniffed. "So, no great loss there."
A demonstration of the nuclear delivery system for congressmen six years ago failed to impress anybody when the snail took three weeks to cross the lab and get to the door. "This is ridiculous!" Senator Leasaypromhybomb said at the time. "Warned of an imminent attack, an enemy would have plenty of time to erect a fence around the vegetable garden in its fortified underground bunker, thwarting our attack!"
Tolkistfeynbushnant admitted that this was a problem, but insisted that the DUHPA team was working on it. "Strapping the snail to the back of a turtle has cut the delivery time in half," he pointed out. "It only takes the turtle 10 days to get across the room!"
Tolkistfeynbushnant allowed that this probably wasn't enough of an improvement to satisfy the Senator (who, he felt it should be noted, would be getting a stiff challenge in his re-election effort by a sack of hammers). Still, it was only a stopgap measure until they figured out something better, so what are you gonna do? Defund the project? Seriously? If you want me, I'll be in the Pentagon's nuclear-powered jacuzzi, laughing my highly decorated ass off.
These and other problems have inflated the cost of Project X-2011c, which is now believed by theoretical mathematicians to be approaching 7 squadjillion dollars. This one Pentagon weapons project alone costs almost 17 times the Vesampuccerian Gross Duhmestic Product (GDP).
"Hey!" Tolkistfeynbushnant responded. "In many cultures, 17 is a lucky number!" Besides, he added, once the nuclear weaponized snail has been perfected, it will have a lot of civilian benefits. Name one, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam challenged.
"Okay, well, yeah," Tolkistfeynbushnant blue skyed, "a nuclear powered snail weapon could be used for...used to...to protect your roof garden from rabbits and other urban predators. That's got to be worth a squadjillion dollars, at least!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam rolled her eyes like they were made of cheap cigarette paper.
We wanted to get Senator Leasaypromhybomb's opinion of civilian uses of nuclear snails, but he had left Congress early. Somebody who looked an awful lot like him did greet us at a local WalzelhokrestureMart. And, as an exercise in democratic budget-making, we must admit that he looked really good in the store's uniform.