by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The campaign that lasted 18 years but zipped by so fast that it felt like only 18 months came to a dramatic close last night when, at a brokered convention (which couldn't even be fixed by duct tape), None of the Above won the Republican nomination to challenge Barack Obama in the 2012 election.
"Obviously, the candidate is too excited to make an acceptance speech," said None of the Above's campaign manager, Steve Schmidt. "But, I assure you that None of the Above will release an acceptance speech just as soon as we can figure out what its positions are. I'm thinking guns, god and country. But, it could just as easily be god, guns and country. The situation is just so fluid right now..."
"This has got to be the worst possible outcome for the Democratic Party," said political commentator Lawrence O'Donnell. "Not only has None of the Above never publicly taken any position on any issue, but it has never said anything that has offended anybody - what could the Democrats possibly have to run against?"
"How about the emperor has no clothes?" suggested O'Donnell's MSNBC bunkmate Rachel Maddow, mischievously adding, "Or, that the new clothes have no emperor?"
Schmidt pointed out that None of the Above's nomination posed some problems for the Republicans, as well: "We won't be able to run any advertising. I mean, how are we supposed to get a convenient election protest category to say it endorsed a commercial?"
"Oh, I may be able to help with that," billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson smoothly said, slicking back the hair on his head to hide his horns. (His love affair with Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is obviously over; perhaps Gingrich will now have some empathy for the person who gets dumped in a relationship.)
The incorporeal nature of the candidate poses other problems for the Republicans. How, for instance, will None of the Above accomplish that old cliche of political campaigns, kissing babies?
"I envision a lot of air kisses," Schmidt answered. "Which, when you think of it, are a much more sanitary way to run a presidential election campaign."
None of the Above was born a simple electoral choice in an 1897 New York City election for the office of spittoon overseer. This gives None of the Above the distinction of being the oldest Republican candidate to run for president. Well, if you don't count Ronald Reagan.
Then, in 1904, None of the Above was dragged into service as a candidate in a particularly rowdy Arizona State Yenta race. (Okay, there's no proof that it was unwilling to run. On the other hand, there t'ain't no proof that it tweren't willin' to run, neither, ma'am. So, there.) Over the years, None of the Above steadily worked its way up the political ladder, from the office of dog teaser to State Attorney-Specific to federal dog teaser, but it wasn't until last night that a political party was so desperate for an alternative to all of its candidates that None of the Above actually won.
Minutes after its surprise victory, the None of the Above campaign announced that Spoiled Ballot will be its running mate. "They're like two wads of spit-softened paper in a straw," Schmidt stated. "Couldn't be closer."
"It was a masterstroke," O'Donnell said of the selection. "It avoided the obvious problem of the vice presidential candidate being the only sentient human on the ticket, although that didn't seem to be much of a problem for the campaign of George W. Bush."
"Aww, I don't know about this," Vice President Joe Biden wryly commented. "I don't think any of us can take None of the Above seriously as a candidate for president until we've seen its birth certificate..."
"Oh, ha ha, very funny," Schmidt sourly joshed good-naturedly. "Everybody knows that all of None of the Above's personal documents were destroyed in the...southern Beatle invasion of 1962. Besides, these days, there's nothing more American than throwing away your vote in futile protest!"
"It sure is going to be an interesting race," O'Donnell commented. "On the one hand, the Democrats are running a campaign based on Barack Obama's belief that the United States can regain the greatness it had after the Second World War. On the other hand, the Republicans are running a convenient protest category that doesn't even exist.
"May the best illusion win."