by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Earth Prime 2-9-5-4-3-8 dash rho is not like other worlds. They do politics differently there.
On most planets, governments come in two flavours: rule by the few (oligarchy, autocracy, plutocracy, dictatorship, Otto - call it what you will) and limited public participation that masks the rule by the few (democracy). If ordinary people were allowed to actually control their political system, what would things look like?
We don't have to imagine (that's what YaHooTube is for): it is called idiotocracy, and it dominates the political landscape of Earth Prime 2-9-5-4-3-8 dash rho.
The United States of Vesampucceri is the foremost idiotocracy on the planet. The country's Constitution guarantees that "a government of the stupid, by the stupid, for the stupid shall not perish from the Earth without a fight. And, a stupid one, at that."
The United States of Vesampucceri has two political parties. The Reduhblicans pander to a small but significant subset of the population – sometimes referred to as the "Moron Majority" – with policy ideas that, to a layperson, may appear to be unworkable, but, to an expert, actually appear to be batshit crazy. The Dumboprats generally oppose the policies of the Reduhblicans, but often vote for them anyway when out of power and rarely repeal the measures when in power. In Washburningdington, Vesampucceri's capital city, this is known as "bipartisanship."
"It's a poisonous system," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Once a majority of people have given up on science...or, facts...or, any sort of rational argument, even if a smart person is elected, he has to water down what he does to please the stupid people. Look at what's happened to Dumbopratic President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush: when he was a candidate, he wrote a 767 page treatise on international political relations arguing that diplomacy was in most cases preferable to military action. Last week, in his State of the Disunion Address, his foreign policy had been reduced to two words: 'War good.' It's sad, really."
Stupiding down your political discourse only gets you so far in modern Vesampucceri, however. Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that the party that gets out in front of the stupid can always argue that, if you have a choice between somebody who is truly stupid and somebody who only pretends to be stupid to get your support, you should vote for the genuine article. "That's a rationale that is truly inane," she added, "and, yet, at the same time, kind of brilliant."
Party politics is, however, only the beginning of the stupid. Successive Reduhblican governments placed in power people who were opposed to the mission of their agencies; these people are often referred to as idiotocrats. Bankers in charge of financial regulations. Poultry tycoons determining farm subsidies. Weapons manufacturers deciding whom to go to war with (surprise! - pretty much everybody). That sort of thing. The most egregious example occurred during the Presidency of Ron Potganreabumbom, who appointed James Wathafuloitt - an oil company executive and noted hylophobe - to head the Environmental Protection Racket.
"Did you know that trees were a major cause of greenhouse gases?" marveled token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Cut down all the trees and you've solved the problem. It's fascinating - isn't it? - how the stupid often coincides with the interests of big business?"
While idiotocrats work behind the scenes, political pundits - referred to as "idiotologues" when they unquestioningly push the stupid in their pronouncements - are frequently in people's faces (among other body parts). Most idiotologues promote an extreme Reduhblican agenda: they include radio and television personalities like Glenn Eckicksteinbedeck and Bill Onomoforeill. In recent years, the Dumboprats have tried to develop their own pundits, most notably Rachel O'schulbermatthow.
"Oh, I love Rachel - in a platonic way, of course," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam gushed. "The problem with her show - indeed, the problem with all of the left wing pundits - is that they still believe in facts. Facts - well - the population gave up on facts a long time ago. And, it shows: O'schulbermatthow's ratings have never been more than a fraction of Onomoforeill's."
What is the result of such a drastic stupiding of a country's political discourse? "We're number one! We're number one!" hooted citizen Pete Fazzigrenatchmann, despite the fact that the only thing international surveys show Vesampucceri to actually be number one at is loudly - some would say obnoxiously - proclaiming that it is, in fact, number one.
"If I vote Reduhblican in the next election," exclaimed Sharron Eichgeblungalonn, "jelly beans will rain from the skies instead of snow! Can you imagine bathing in jelly beans? I'll bet they give you an all over sugary glow of goodness!"
"If I keep borrowing money," explained stock broker Jerry Sisnaisherbergman, "I will eventually owe my way out of debt!" He was actually grinning when he said this. Happily grinning.
"Can I emigrate to your universe?" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam plaintively asked me. "Please?"