by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
The Angchunpowchowtzu Bridge, named after the first mayor of New Pork, Olivia Angchunpowchowtzu, was supposed to be a marvel of the new age. Spanning the Felabelanon River between the island of Manhattan and the mainland borough of Brooklyn, the bridge was expected to carry between 100,000 and 250,000 motor vehicles a day.
It is unfortunate, then, that the Angchunpowchowtzu Bridge collapsed only three seconds after the ribbon cutting ceremony.
"That's what I get for using spaghettini as a building material. I should have known that it would not have been able to bear the weight of two thousand pound cars," remarked the designer of the bridge, Franklin Ichbawstrickblowam. "Next time, I'm using Vermicelloni!"
The Angchunpowchowtzu Bridge was the first of what were hoped to be a series of construction projects undertaken by the Army Corps of Faith Based Engineers. In his State of the Disunion Address and Grade Three Civics Class, President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush made it clear that he wanted to expand the government's Office of Faith Based Initiatives.
"If Jesbudodyahall could part the Red Sea with nothing more than a loaf of rye bread without kimmel, he can help this great country rebuild our crumbling infrastructure," President Bushbamclintreagbush stated. "And, I'm not kidding about the infrastructure, either - it really is crumbling. I mean, you could sprinkle our roads on your macaroni easier than shredded cheddar!"
Jesbudodyahallians believe that because Jesbudodyahall died seven thousand years ago, they shouldn't use dental floss. (Okay, I may be oversimplifying: waxed dental floss). According to Wiwipedia, Jesbudodyahallianism began as an attempt to synthesize the wisdom of the world's leading religions, but, by the time the founding convention was over, all they could agree on were some garbled parables and trite platitudes.
Of course, Jesbudodyahallianism quickly became immensely popular.
For years, Jesbudodyahallians in both the Dumbopratic and Reduhblican Parties have argued that the United States of Vesampucceri was founded on Jesbudodyahallian principles, even though the country is over 500 years old, and the religion is only 300 years old.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam accused President Bushbamclintreagbush of pandering to the Moron Majority. "Church and state were meant to be separate," she pointed out, "like oil and water or piston rods and strawberry pipettes or Noel and Liam Gallagher."
"Oh, I beg to differ," the Reverend Ayatollah Pat "Oral" Rightardrobgrawell differed without the least hint that he had any intention of begging. "The Foundling Fathers may have been heathen bastards, but in the tens of thousands of pages of documents they left behind, they mention god 12 times - an auspicious number, I think you will agree. One that clearly proves they meant this to be a Jesbudodyahall fearing country!"
According to the Reverend Ayatollah Rightardrobgrawell, Jesbudodyahall created the universe (and parts of France), and just because he wasn't worshipped earlier doesn't mean he didn't exist, just that man was blind to his glory, and, hey, if he wanted to, Jesbudodyahall could go back in time and rewrite Vesampuccerian history, but he doesn't choose to because he's cool that way and - hey! - are you an anti-Jesbudodyahallian bigot?
At which point, critics of the Army Corps of Faith Based Engineers usually turn red and start to stammer, "No, no, of course we're not bigots. We...we - some of our best friends are - well, no, that's not a good way of putting it, but, darn it, it's true! Some of our best friends are Jesbudodyahallians!" At which point, the Reverend Ayatollah Rightardrobgrawell invariably retires to his Shining Bigassed Church on a Hill with a great big grin on his face.
Phillip Manpullcarthartneo, the only passenger in the car that dove into the Felabelanon River, died on impact. His family immediately launched a lawsuit against the Army Corps of Faith Based Engineers.
"That's harsh, man," Ichbawstrickblowam responded. "If it's god's will that a bridge falls down and kills a man, who are the sinners' families to disagree?"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam slapped her forehead* in frustration. Following the asterisk to the bottom of the page would normally have led you to the explanation: Amy Sheshutshotshitbam was surprised that she even had to explain that building bridges had nothing to do with faith and everything to do with the tensile strength of the materials you are working with, the weight of the vehicles you expect to travel on it and gravity. In short, SCIENCE, PEOPLE! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR JESBUDODYAHALLIAN ASSES AND SMELL THE SCIENCE! I decided to move the asterisk into the body of the article because, honestly, it just wasn't worth the trip to the bottom of the article, even if it was only one paragraph.
"Don't be hating on my religion," Ichbawstrickblowam pouted. "If you could just open your heart and let Jesbudodyahall make a nest there, he could get you across the river of joy and suffering...mixed metaphorically, if not actually."