Sclerotic.
2) How many readers do you have?
Twelve humans, 1,237 ring-tailed lemurs and 35 million Arrr'potax Arcelor. They really love us in Tau Ceti!
3) Your weekend edition is so big, it crushed my Pomeranian Schnauzer! Is it any wonder you don't have more human readers?
Dammit, Carborundurem-McVortvort, we told you we'd replace your damn dog with the primate of your choice, including copy editor! When will you let the incident go?
4) How does the Alternate Reality News Service assign beats to its reporters?
During the interview process, we ask potential reporters to fill out detailed Aptitude and Interest questionnaires. The A&Is give us a clear view of their background and what they would like to do. Then, we have successful candidates stand next to a dart board while Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni throws darts at them. (The dart board is there to give the office a Ukrainian pub feel.) The noise the new journalist makes when the dart hits him or her is compared to a list of potential beats, and the one it sounds the most like is the one the person is given.
Brenda Brundtland-Govanni doesn't aim for any vital organs, and we haven't lost any reporters yet, so, on the whole, no. And, the process does have the added advantage of teaching reporters their first lesson about keeping on their toes.
6) Still, couldn't multiple dart wounds cripple a new reporter?
Oh, that hardly ever happens! The Alternate Reality News Service takes a very generous attitude towards beat creation and phonetics. The only exception was Dimsum Agglomeratizatonalisticalism, whose nine responses to being hit with darts included "Urk!" "Ack!" and, "What the frack! Why don't you get somebody who actually knows how to throw darts to do this?" Apparently, Brenda Brundtland-Govanni put her through this because, in her interview, she had made a disparaging off-hand remark about wing-tipped shoes. She didn't know. As it happens, they're now the best of friends who laugh at the incident. At least, Agglomeratizatonalisticalism will laugh at the incident if her upper lip ever heals.
7) Hey! What about the questionnaires? What happens to them?
The questionnaires are given to Pops Moobley to insulate his hay loft. It's a big, drafty old place, and we can never interview enough possible reporters to keep it warm.
8) Do you allow music in the bullpen when reporters are working?
Absolutely. The Alternate Reality News Service believes that it is important to create a good working environment for our staff.
9) What kind of music is played?
Gregorian chanting, mostly, interspersed by the occasional number by The Smiths.
10) Does Brenda Brundtland-Govanni listen to music in her office?
She listens to a loop of the cries of kittens in distress and airplane crashes. Does that count as music?
11) Erm...uhh... How would you describe the relationship between the Alternate Reality News Service and the Transdimensional Authority?
Prehensile.
12) Could you elaborate on that?
Of course. Prehensile means before the man who created the Muppets was born.
13) But, seriously, the relationship between the Alternate Reality News Service and the Transdimensional Authority is...?
Prettier when looked at from a distance.
14) I said: but, seriously, the relationship between the Alternate Reality News Service and the Transdimensional Authority is...?
We tell them what to do and they tell us where to go.
15) Uhh...okay. Let me put it a different way. I...I've heard that there is tension between the Alternate Reality News Service and the Transdimensional Authority - is that true?
You're just not going to let this go, are you? Okay, the Alternate Reality News Service has a professional relationship with the Transdimensional Authority. We uncover the dirt about them, and they are stinky boogerheads about it. We have, on occasion, been accused of twisting the words of a Transdimensional Authority investigator; in our defense, they tend to be really boring words.
16) If Brenda Brundtland-Govanni was a tree, what kind of tree would she be?
A bazooka.
You wanna tell her that?
18) Where do babies come from?
Interns.
19) What is the Tech Answer Guy's marital status?
Ferlenghinghi.
Ferlenghinghi is a Klippon word for "mind your own business."
21) That's not right. As somebody who has watched all of the episodes of Star Blap: A Couple of Generations Later, I happen to know that Klippon is actually a Ferlenghinghi word for "The dragon has been rooting around in the eaves trough again - we may have to move to another city!" Right?
Science fiction fans are awesome. And, scary. Sometimes. But, mostly, awesome.