As a * SERIOUS WRITER *, I have to do a lot of behi - no, wait. I could never be accused of being a * SERIOUS WRITER *. * SERIOUS WRITER *s drink champagne at book launches and make catty remarks about former lovers. * SERIOUS WRITER *s write hilariously bitchy reviews for literary journals of books written by people who gave their books not nearly so entertainingly bitchy reviews. * SERIOUS WRITER *s know how to properly spell mendacity.
Perhaps it would be better to describe myself as a * WRITER WHO IS SERIOUS ABOUT HIS CRAFT AND CAREER *. That sounds closer to the truth. So, as a * WWiSAHC&C *, I have to do a lot of behind the scenes work. EXAMPLE: I have to have a supply of publicity photos on hand for, well, publicity.
Unfortunately, the portrait I have been using was over a decade old; I'm afraid it would give people the wrong impression (for instance, that I still have hair on my head). And, in any case, I seem to have lost the remaining copies. To fill this void, I prevailed upon my Web Goddess to take photographs of me.
I'm not big on photographs of myself. Below you'll find some compelling reasons why:
My future's so bright, I gotta stand in shade.
Oh, and is that a pipe in my hand or - you know what? There is no good way to finish that question. Forget I said anything.
Rule number one of headshots: never let yourself be upstaged by fruit. Think Rene Magritte started this way?
Squirrel!
(By the way, the pipe is not mine, since I don't smoke. The beret is mine, since I do get sunstroke when I spend too much time outdoors with my head exposed. The sideburns used to belong to Isaac Asimov, but I seriously doubt he'll be needing them any more.)
Well, now, that is an interesting point, you make. A very interesting point, indeed. I shall need some time to give that point, which, as I say, is very interesting, all of the attention it deserves. One wouldn't want to just slough off a very interesting point with a couple of ill-considered words, no matter how clever or - dare I say it? interesting - they may be. Interesting points deserve careful consideration, especially ones that are very. Ask me again in a week or two; by that time, I should have totally forgotten this very interesting point that you make. But, fear not! The very interesting point shall be a part of me for all of my years, if not beyond...
Do you wonder why I don't smile in more of my photos? EXHIBIT A. I could probably use this photo to audition if they ever make another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, but other than that...
Oh, and is that...is that pipe making a rude gesture? Let me get back to you after I've tried to submit this photo to the Web site running my next interview!
Oh! That's interesting. I - just interesting, unlike the point you made earlier, which was very interesting, indeed. I...I seem to be holding a hummingbird! How did that happen? And, more importantly, WHAT DO I DO WITH IT NOW?
Okay, you may not think much of this pose, but have you ever arched your back against the trunk of a car? Holy crap! They had to rush me to a chiropractor after this series of shots was complete! I will never make fun of fashion models again! At least, not before my spine has been straightened!
For those of you who have never indulged, this is what the world (or, at least, the previous picture) looks like on LSD. Now, you don't have to try it. No, no need to thank me - your not mugging me while high is thanks enough!
Oh, the horror! THE HORROR! And, I'm not talking about the tobacco in the pipe that I'm not smoking! If I was living in a Hitchcock movie, the camera would probably zoom in on the black hole that is my mouth. And, then...out my ear or something. Obviously, I'm no Hitchcock...
Sorry. I haven't got a clue. Obviously. If I knew what I was doing, would I be posing in front of a suburban garage?
In this photo, I'm using my pipe to turn a screw in an imaginary Rube Goldberg device that will either create world peace or forever erase Nickelback from history. Which, in its own way, could go a long way to creating world peace. As you might be able to tell from the expression on my face, turning imaginary screws is hard work.
I could keep going, but something tells me I shouldn't...
All photos in this article were taken by Gisela McKay, Web Goddess extraordinary.
