1) Who is fluffy, but not puffy, sometimes huffy but never stuffy, a little scruffy but not...something else that rhymes with uffy?
Umm...Rick Mercer?
2) No, silly! Mike Duffy! You know who Mike Duffy is, don't you?
A figment of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's imagination.
3) He's a Conservative member of the Canadian Senate...isn't he?
Senate? You mean one of Harper's worst nightmares?
4) Yeah, about that - Duffy is in some kind of trouble, isn't he?
That's right. He and the government are having a disagreement over the definition of the phrase "primary residence." The government thinks it means, "the place where you reside for most of the year." Duffy thinks it means, "any place you may have ever dreamt of going, past or present, real or imagined."
Well, there is some ambiguity in the law.
6) Why would a difference of opinion like that be the cause of trouble?
Duffy claimed $90,172 in expenses related to traveling between Ottawa and his "primary residence" that he may not have been entitled to.
Indeed.
8) But, didn't Duffy pay the money back?
Hee hee - funny story, that. Yes, after news of the dodgy payments became public, Duffy did return the money to the government. But - and, this is the hilarious bit - it wasn't his money. He got it from Stephen Harper's former chief of staff Nigel Wright.
9) That sure is a knee-slapper. But, why did Stephen Harper's former chief of staff Nigel Wright give Duffy the $90,172 he used to repay the government?
Out if the goodness of his heart.
10) Nigel Wright was a political hatchet man. He doesn't have a heart.
To repay a karmic debt.
11) I said: Nigel Wright was a political hatchet man. He has a karmic debt that can never be repaid. Don't you pay attention?
Only when it suits me. Sort of like the public.
12) So, why did he give Mike Duffy $90,172?
They were Second Life buds.
It was Give Large Sums of Money to Complete Strangers for Morally Dubious Purposes Day on Capital Hill.
14) Isn't that what the Office of Religious Freedom is for?
You're so cynical.
15) You're not going to tell me, are you?
Some things are unknowable.
16) Did the Prime Minister's Office have anything to do with the deal?
No. <nods head /> Absolutely not! <nods head vigorously /> The Prime Minister's Office would never condone such morally dubious behaviour, even on Give Large Sums of Money to Complete Strangers for Morally Dubious Purposes Day! <nods so vigorously, head falls off />
Not to worry - this happens all the time when I'm dealing with the PMO. If you would just - just pick my head up off the floor and put it in my hands, I'll be able to screw it back on. If you'll just pick it up - hello? You, sir, would you be so kind...
18) After Duffy paid back the money, a Senate report on his expenses was released that contained less criticism of him than an earlier draft. Two Senators key to writing the report said they consulted with the Prime Minister's Office while writing it, but the PMO denies having any input into the report. Who should we believe?
<screw></screw>Aww, jeez! I just got my head back on, and you want me to answer that question?
A tasty form of salmon.
20) Isn't she another Conservative member of the Senate who was investigated for expense irregularities?
Okay, smarty pants, why are you bothering to ask questions if you already know the answers?
21) As an educational service to the public. Now, according to public filings by Gluskin Sheff & Associates, Senator Pamela Wallin lives in Toronto. However, to sit in the Senate, Wallin claims that she lives in Saskatchewan. How is this possible?
Clones.
There's a Pamela Wallin for every occasion: a Pamela Wallin to sit in the Senate, a Pamela Wallin to sit on corporate boards, a Pamela Wallin to make balloon animals at your child's birthday party. In fact, as much as a quarter of Saskatchewan's population is made up of Pamela Wallin clones. It is rumoured that the Prime Minister is considering deploying an army of Pamela Wallin clones in the Arctic to bolster Canada's claims to sovereignty there. Given all this, living in both Ontario and Saskatchewan at the same time should be a cakewalk for her.
23) So, her alleged expense irregularities...?
Would be perfectly understandable in a science fiction world.
24) Doesn't the residency problem go beyond the issue of money?
SHHHH! WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN THE PLACE YOU REPRESENT AND THAT, IN THEORY, WALLIN AND DUFFY SHOULD BE STRIPPED OF THEIR SEATS IN THE SENATE IF THEY HAVE MISREPRESENTED WHERE THEY LIVE? DON'T SPREAD THAT AROUND, OKAY? IT...uhh, it could cause a crisis in the legitimacy of the institution, and you don't want that, because it would make 10,000 Pamela Wallin clones very angry...
25) Oh. Uhh...so, who is Mac Harb?
The Mac in Mac and Cheese.
26) Are you developing a food theme, here?
I just go wherever the facts lead me.
27) The Internet says he's a Liberal member of the Senate. There really are such things?
You believe everything you read on the Internet?
28) He has also come under investigation for expense irregularities. What did he do?
Answered the prayers of the PMO.
By the time the Conservative spin machine has had its way with the media, the public will be so fixated on the Harb scandal that nobody will remember who Mike Duffy or Pamela Wallin are.
30) Who are Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin?
That was too easy.