The first time I was in New York, I discovered that landmarks weren't as close together as I had imagined from movies and TV. When I planned my first trip to London, I expected to spend a lot of time on the subway, getting from one famous place to another. Silly rabbit. I discovered that the landmarks were closer than I had imagined; look down any London street and you'll find *H*IS*T*O*R*Y*.
Europe confuses me.
Among Other Things, Friend, Among Other Things
I planned on spending an extra couple of days in London after Eastercon. My publishers, Peter and Allison Buck, were kind enough to offer to drive me to Kent, which was a short train ride to London.
Did you know that the main highway through England has long straight patches that follow the road put down by Romans thousands of years ago? And, you thought the Gardiner Expressway was old!
"You see that stand of trees on your left?" Peter off-handedly commented halfway through the ride. "That's Sherwood Forest." Sherwood Forest? I thought. Fantastic! That's where Men in Tights took place!
This May Seem Silly, But English Cows Just Seem More...Cowy For Some Reason
On our drive through England, I checked off a list in my head of sights:
English cows English horses a large mound of English manure English nuclear power plants
The journey was quite the eye opener!
Man Plans, God Does Track Maintenance
To make things easier for me, Peter gave me instructions on which subway line to take to get me directly to my hotel. It was a good plan, a fine plan. However, it being a holiday Monday, some parts of the underground were closed. As a result, I had to take a detour through 27 different London tube lines and, I'm pretty sure, at least nine different dimensions.
At The Point Where I Noticed Tourists Were Taking Pictures Of Other Tourists, I Started Having Doubts About The Wisdom Of My Itinerary
At any given moment, 9 million people live in London, and there are 12 million tourists. Judging by how many of us had cameras out, I suspect that no citizens were actually anywhere near the older core of the city; Parliament actually met in the basement of a non-descript building on the outskirts of London and the royal family was filmed on sets in Kent.
London Has Nothing On Sauron!
On the train into London, I saw the infamous Shard; I was disappointed that nobody was motorcycling up its side. Now, that would be quite the tourist attraction!
I also saw the big Ferris wheel known as The Eye. I was disappointed that it's still a big Ferris wheel. I was indifferent to the fact that it was still called The Eye.
You Knew There Had To Be A Python Reference In Here Somewhere...
Walking from the subway to my hotel in London, my suitcase made click clacking sounds on the stone pavement. No, not click clacking - clip clopping. Clip clop. Clip clop. Clip clop. The sound was very familiar to me. Clip clop. Clip clop. I knew I had heard it before - clip clop clip clop clip clop - but where?
After a while, it finally hit me: two coconuts being banged together to simulate the sound of a trotting horse!
It's A Cosmopolitan City, Sure, But There Are Limits!
As I wandered about the city, I heard a variety of different languages: Russian, Polish, Italian, French, Alpha Centauri, Arabic, Ventrosian Squiggle. Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit. I didn't hear any French.
Biggish Ben At Best
Woo hoo! The British Parliament as seen from across the Thames. And, next to it, is that...Big Ben? Humph. I thought it would be...taller. It's more like Modest Ben, you ask me...
Which Is Impressive Considering She Hadn't Died Yet
In Hyde Park, I watched as a bird picked a piece of bread off a path and flew to the branch of a tree, where it put the bread down and ate it at a leisurely pace. And, I thought, the spirit of Margaret Thatcher lives on in this country!
Next Stop: The Moon!
The initial layout of the hotel in which I stayed in London was almost exactly the same as the one in which I had stayed in Bradford. If I squinted, I could believe that the hotel was the same, that it had somehow dematerialized in one city and appeared in the other. And, I thought, Anything is possible in the land of Doctor Who!
You Can Take The Boy Out Of The City, But You Can't Take City Politics Out Of The Boy (Unfortunately!)
There was a subway to Heathrow Airport - Rob Ford take note. Heathrow has a white piano that anybody can sit down at and play - Rob Ford, get some culture, even if it is just "chopsticks!" London has pay toilets - Rob Ford, don't get any ideas! Schiphol Airport actually contains a casino - Rob Ford, stop drooling...
A Tourist Has To Have Some Dignity, After All
Ad in Heathrow Airport: "What will you do when your YOUNG CHILD ASKS why you didn't invest in eastern Poland?" I will answer: "I wasn't about to be bullied by an ad in Heathrow Airport!"
What, After All, Could Zen Air Travel Teach You If You Ended Up In Wabash?
My boarding pass had no gate; I wondered if this meant that we could get on any plane we wanted to. Random world travel - how Zen! You wanted to go to Toronto, but you actually ended up in Zagreb - have a nice flight! But, no, the gate the plane would take off from was announced about an hour before boarding.
I Don't Know Art, But I Know What My Seatmate On The Plane Likes...
On the plane back to Toronto, I sat next to a big, elderly German man whose grasp of English seemed uncertain. And, when I say big, I mean he was really big. He literally overflowed his seat; his elbows were a particular menace to my rib cage. Seeing that attempts at communication would likely be futile, I resolved to accept seven hours of scrunching in my seat with as much good grace as I could muster.
An hour into the flight, the man took out a pencil and a pad of paper and drew an exquisite image of flowers. Over the course of the flight, he drew a couple of pictures of other passengers, more flowers and an image of two bodies coming together.
By the end of the flight, my joints ached, but I did have a better appreciation of grace.
(Top Of The) Pop(s) Quiz, Asshole
