What the Heck Do You Know? is a Big Fan of Cirque de So What
1) Are you stoked that the Conservative Harper Government of Canada has an enemies list?
a) oh, man, I haven't been this excited since Pierre Trudeau lost his rug while doing one of his little dances!
b) stoked? STOKED?! Seriously? Man, if I were any more stoked, I could transport oil from Alberta to Quebec on my back!
c) stoked? Please! It just confirms my belief that Canadian politics are just American politics 40 years later and half as effective!
2) According to the always reliable Toronto Sun: "The hunt is on for a man and a woman who allegedly attacked a group of leaflet distributors..." What leaflets were the alleged victims distributing, and why would the Sun be so coy about identifying them?"
a) leaflets that claimed that the War of 1812 was faked in a Hollywood back lot; The Sun wanted to save them the embarrassment (it's surprisingly thoughtful that way)
b) leaflets that claimed that the best cure for measles was sunlight; The Sun plans on doing a two page spread on the healing properties of sunlight in a future issue, and it didn't want readers to think that it had stolen the idea
c) they couldn't have been gay marriage advocates, environmental activists or Liberals, because what reason could the Sun have for not identifying them?
3) What is "native advertising?"
a) that's racist
b) advertorials that have gone through a serious makeover
c) advertising that has colonized the space of editorial content, destroying all who got in its way and leaving exploitation and destruction in its wake...hmm...where have I heard that before?
4) How can a song be a hit if I've never heard of it?
a) sorry gramps - could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear it with my earbuds in
b) sorry gramps - could you repeat the question? I couldn't hear it because I was laughing so hard
c) are you kidding, gramps? Do you have any idea how many songs are hits because you've never heard of them?
5) How effective will a boycott of Russian vodka be in overturning anti-gay laws passed by the Russian government?
a) not very, Comrade - we were running low and wondering what we would be drinking this weekend...
b) as effective as a possum posse chasing a feline felon through the Caspian lowland desert...Comrade
c) I am remember de time when de yellow skunk moose flow over de Steppes of Schweppes while womens danced de dance of de unbridled groom. Dose vere days ven men was men and nobody could told de difference and...and...vat vas qvestion again?
6) Canada has been offered a role in the Middle East peace process. What role would that be?
a) American doormat (we've had a lot of experience, so they know we can be counted upon in a pinch...ed look)
b) Israeli attack poodle
c) honest broken
7) When is it okay to lie on a resume or CV?
a) when you're applying for a position in the public relations division of the company
b) when you're applying for a position in a politician's office
c) why - harrumph harrumph - it is never okay to lie on a resume or CV! NEVER, I tell you! Anybody who is discovered lying on a resume or CV should be immediately fired! There should be zero tol - what? You want what? To see my CV? Well, sure, I'd be happy to, umm, to accommodate that request. Of course, I have nothing to hide. It's just, well, privacy issues may be involved. Umm, but, tell you what - fill out the proper forms and I'll get back to you with that in six to 12...months...
8) What is ampelography?
a) the study of optimum breast size for a woman based on her frame (or, for that matter, a man)
b) the study of logs of which amps were used by rock stars on tour
c) a biography of the lead singer of The Divinyls
9) Do book critics need a code of ethics?
a) why not? They already ignore good taste and the law of gravity - why not give them one more thing they can pay no attention to?
b) why bother? They're as likely to read the code of ethics as they are the books they review...!
c) sure, because nobody should have life or death power over other people without a good...code of ethics
10) BlackBerry is describing its new Q5 smartphones as "fun and youthful." What makes them fun and youthful?
a) the Q5 will steal your keys and go out joyriding with your car until somebody goes off a cliff and, sensitive soul that it is, it is racked with guilt and - no, wait, that would make it youthful, but it doesn't sound like much fun
b) the Q5 will have one too many beers at the hockey game and pass out on your couch - no, wait, that could be fun, but it doesn't sound very youthful
c) IT'S JUST A PHONE. WIRES AND MICROPROCESSORS AND DIGITAL PROGRAMMES! WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOUR NEW TOASTER OVEN "FUN AND YOUTHFUL?" YOU WOULD? * SIGH * This world is more far gone than I thought...
11) A 15 year study in Vancouver has shown that harm reduction strategies - including safe injection sites - reduce drug use, save more lives and have a more positive impact on society than wars on drugs. How will the Harper Government of Canada spin this study to the benefit of its harsh anti-drug policies?
a) the word "bad" appears in an index at the back of the study - clearly harm reduction studies aren't as beneficial as some commentators in the liberal media would like you to believe!
b) you see? This study proves that our harsh, anti-drug policies are working!
c) Justin Trudeau - ha ha ha!
12) Who owns the future?
a) Bill Gates (but it contains ongoing research into a cure for cancer, so that's okay)
b) SkyNet (but the planet was overpopulated, so that's okay)
c) the mole people (assuming they're still living underground - none of them have been spotted since the 1950s...)
13) How can being a member of the Canadian Forces benefit your career?
a) you can be killed in combat before you have a chance to play Canada Pension Plan Roulette
b) the skills you learn in combat can be of great benefit to you in the boardroom
c) if you lose a limb in combat, you can look good in your uniform in Veteran's Day Parades (if the military will allow you to), and, as ZZ Top truly sang, every corporation loves a well dressed man
14) Conservative Finance Minister Jim Flaherty spent $70,000 on "travel and hospitality." Kellie Leitch spent $65,000 on "other." Overall, Conservative riding associations have surpluses of $18 million, three times what the Liberals have. Gee, whatever could they possibly do with all that money?
a) throw a bitchin' street party - one that lasted for a year and a half
b) pay for a lot of Canada Action Plan advertising (fortunately for them, they consider it a Parliamentary expense, so they don't have to)
c) top up the Canada Pension Plan and still have enough for a lavish breakfast
d) other
15) Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish because they "impair visual integrity." How?
a) they detract from the greyness of the cabin, not to mention the cabbage roles they serve on flights longer than 27 hours
b) they could attract bulls, and this would conflict with Turkish Airlines' strict No Toreadors policy
c) the only red that should be visible is on the faces of the Turkish Airlines executives who approved of the decision
16) Maureen Murphy, the top staffer to Minister of National Defence Rob Nicholson, is married to Rick Morgan, a Vice President of Tactix Government Relations and Public Affairs, an Ottawa lobby group with many clients in military industries. She has been urged to create an "ethical wall" between her work and her husband's interests. What will that wall be made of?
a) jargon
b) tissue paper
c) public good will and private private interest
d) Kryptonite
e) other
17) According to an editorial in the Toronto Star, Egypt's military crackdown on Islamists is "pushing the Arab world's most populous nation towards the brink." The brink of what?
a) the edge of the rim of the lip of the border of the periphery
b) Mann's ship (although, why the brink of Mann's ship is something you don't want to go near has never been properly explained in language that a three year-old could understand)
c) more military action, of course
18) Pope Francis has said: "If someone is gay and he searches for the lord and has goodwill, who am I to judge?" How will this affect the Catholic church's relationship with gay men?
a) when their attempts to become priests are thwarted, they'll be comforted by the knowledge that it's not the Pope who is judging them
b) when they are called "abominations in the eyes of god" from the pulpit, they'll be comforted by the knowledge that it's not the Pope who is condemning them to an eternity in Hell
c) occlusively
19) Do you know who's reading your email?
a) Elmer Gantry
b) Sean Hannity
c) Vinsanity!
d) oh, the humanity!
e) no idea, but I can tell you who isn't reading my email. ME! This is the last time I agree to answer one of your stupid quizzes!
20) Are you disappointed that you're not on the Conservative Harper Government of Canada's enemies list?
a) of course! All of my friends are on the Conservative government's enemies list - I'm so embarrassed!
b) naah - I know in my heart of hearts that the Conservatives hate me, and that's far more important than finding my name on some stupid list!
c) the Conservatives have an enemies list and I wasn't consulted about who should be put on it? Screw that action! The Conservatives are now on my enemies list! Hah!
