What the Heck Do You Know?
Hates to be the One to Break it to You (But, Not Enough To Stop...)

1) According to Mayor Rob Ford, it was a "great day for democracy." What happened? a) McDonalds brought back the McRib
b) a decision to not prosecute him for violating election finance rules made them effectively obsolete
c) the Best Picture Oscar didn't go to Lincoln (what a snoozefest!)

2) According to Human Resources Minister Diane Finley, annual "performance objectives" to find $485,000 in fraudulent or ineligible Employment Insurance claims each year are not "quotas." "There are objectives, targets, to be sure," Finley explained. "There's a big difference between the two..." What is the difference between quotas and targets? a) one letter (two if you count my resignation)
b) targets sound better to people who don't speak mandarinese
c) if you miss a quota, you can be fired, while, if you miss a target, you can be fi...umm...not as big as you might think...

 3) What is a sequester? a) a fan of a TV series about an organization that policies underwater colonies that starred Roy Scheider
b) the host of American Idol
c) a type of horse event that is popular with the white tie and tux crowd

 4) Where did the good jobs go? a) Xanadu
b) the fifth dimension
c) MultiNatCorp's bottom line (does this offshoring make my bottom line look fat?)

 5) More Americans have died from domestic gunfire (including homicides, suicides and accidents) than have died in all of the country's wars combined. How is this possible? a) America's enemies aren't trying hard enough
b) the NRA is trying too hard
c) I'm not certain, but I suspect Rod Serling was involved

 6) In a poll conducted to coincide with the 75th anniversary of Nazi Germany's annexation of Austria, 57 per cent of Austrians said "not everything was bad under Hitler." To what could they be referring? a) apple strudel still tasted strudelly
b) an honest citizen hardly ever got taken to a concentration camp, and, even then, the invaders were very apologetic about it
c) nobody took stupid polls asking them if everything was bad under Hitler

 7) What does the phrase habemus papem mean? a) "I'm tired of the tripe written in academic papers by Jurgen Habermas"
b) "If you didn't clean out the septic tank, the alien invasion would have been more fun, but, since we don't live in a science fiction universe with time travel, could you please pass me the gun that shoots polar bear? Like, now!" (Latin is such an expressive language)
c) "We have pap" (implying we should maybe watch less television)

8) Over the past six years, the Harper Government of Canada has grown spending on the criminal justice system by over $5 billion annually. Crime was decreasing even before the Conservative measures, and it has continued its decline with them. What was the point of spending all this money? a) it gave Justice Minister Rob Nicholson the opportunity to say: "Our government makes no apologies for cracking down on crime."
b) jaywalkers - throw the book at 'em! (the, uhh, war on the war on cars has apparently entered a militant phase...)
c) it kept the money out of the greedy paws of homeless people

 9) "Space exploration has fascinated us since the 1950s," we read in the Toronto Star. "But Chris Hadfield is a new kind of astronaut." What kind would that be? a) the kind who wears the helmet of his spacesuit backwards and lets the pants of his spacesuit droop enough so that people can see his spaceunderwear - you know, the kind your mother probably wouldn't approve of
b) the kind who would make a date with a girl on Mars, then stand her up for a date with a Ventrosian squiggle on Pandorium Leventy-leven!
c) the third kind

 10) Did you know more Android phones are activated every day than babies are born? a) yes
b) no
c) it's information like this that makes me welcome the robopocalypse

 11) Is it true, as the American philosopher George Santayana famously remarked just over a century ago, that "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it"? If it is, is the reverse necessarily false? a) you mean, those who repeat the past are condemned to not remember it? If only!
b) or, do you mean those who remember the past are condemned to have lunch repeat on them? That's not necessarily false, although the taste in your mouth certainly is
c) I always thought that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat grade seven history, but, uhh, my experience may not be applicable to the general population...

 12) Just how Googable are you? a) oh, don't you worry: I'm crazilicious Googable
b) I am in no way related to Googie Withers, if that's what you're asking - and, now that I think about it, even if it isn't!
c) I'm more Betty Boopable, thank you very much!

13) Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has discouraged Canada's lenders from offering discounted mortgages, claiming that it will over-stimulate the housing market. Yet, the federal government offers tax credits that are worth at least as much as the mortgage savings to first time buyers to help them purchase homes. How does Flaherty reconcile this apparent contradiction? a) a double bourbon - neat - before every session of Parliament
b) he's a Buddhist, and, well, you know how they are...
c) judicious application of the Shrill Hammer of Forgetfulness

 14) Senate Leader Harry Reid has dropped an effort to include a ban on assault weapons in a broader gun-control bill, claiming that he does not have the votes to get the measure passed. Who benefits from this? a) hobbyists who use their guns to hunt rabbits on the weekend (because, ever since the furry mammals developed body armour, they've been tough bastards to kill)
b) Republicans, who figure that for every gunshot victim they gain 1,000 votes (yeah, I know - it helps to keep in mind that math is just one of the many "reality-based" ways of understanding the world that Republicans no longer believe in)
c) Death's assistant Bob (Death gets everybody in the end, so he can afford to be patient, but if more people can die sooner, Bob can finish the paperwork and quit earlier)
d) all of the above

 15) What is a university education worth? a) a t-shirt that reads: "I spent $40,000 on an education, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
b) can you really put a price on the ability to think independently?







You're right - $19.95 plus tax.
c) waddya got?

16) What is a New York minute? a) a San Diego 47 seconds
b) an Irkutsk hour and 47 minutes (but not after five pm)
c) you know what they say: if you have to ask, you can't afford it

 17) Beppe Grillo - good political leader name or great political leader name? a) good political leader name
b) great political leader name
c) what does it say about the other politicians in a country when a party led by a comedian gets a quarter of the popular vote in an election?
d) awesome political leader name!

18) From the following list, choose the most awesome potential cover song. a) Tom Waits singing "Book of Love"
b) the Ting Tings covering "War Pigs"
c) Motorhead performing "The Little Drummer Boy"
d) other



 19) How smart is your fridge? a) smarter than a starter colony of 127 ants, but not as smart as a three week old honey badger
b) smart enough to know better than to answer that question!
c) smart enough to order low-fat peanut brickle ice cream when I wasn't feeling too good about myself and considering the possibility that I maybe could have stood to, you know, lose a few pounds. Smart enough to know to let the low-fat ice cream go bad and replace it with Long and Winding Rocky Road when the feeling passed. I tell you, if it wasn't a kitchen appliance, I would marry it in a second!

20) The Harper Government of Canada has closed the Canadian International Development Agency (CIDA), which was created to alleviate poverty in foreign countries, and folded it into the Foreign Affairs Department, whose job is to increase economic opportunity. What was the bus driver's name? a) Phil
b) Tom
c) Borg