What the Heck Do You Know?
Knows It Will Never See A Manned Mars Mission in Its Lifetime
1) What is the difference between naked and nude?
a) a $5,000 fine and a possible prison term of one to three years
b) the difference between Pablo Picasso and Russ Meyer
c) irrelevant to a lot of Web surfers
2) How do you put an unforgettable day in a fabric softener?
a) with iridium tongs and a big grin and tonic
b) start with a two and a half million dollar ad campaign, then work backwards
c) 10 metric tons of pressure per square inch (if hope drips over the sides, you're doing it wrong)
3) Democrats said that they would move to Canada if Mitt Romney won the American Presidency. Where did Republicans threaten to go if Barack Obama won a second term?
a) further to the right (and off the ledge)
b) their safe place (expect to have to feed and bath them for the next four years)
c) 1953
d) other
4) What things will cost more in 2013?
a) foot massage s
b) all products made with brominated vegetable oil or starting with the letter "g"
c) whimsy
5) What is President Obama's last name?
a) Fred
b) Hussein
c) What kind of an idiot would ask this ques - oooooh
d) other
6) Whose freedom was defended by the war in Iraq?
a) Exxon
b) Goldman Sachs
c) Dick Cheney
7) "He's a psychopath...like Stalin, except that he doesn't kill people." Who said this? Who was the person talking about?
a) Conrad Black said it about Rupert Murdoch
b) Rupert Murdoch said it about Conrad Black
c) Kermit T. Frog said it about Big Bird
8) How do you pick the tablet that's right for you?
a) I throw them up in the air and buy whichever stays up the longest (actually, a different version of the one that stays up the longest, since the one I threw up in the air is likely to be in pieces)
b) there's only one tablet for me - the two with Commandments on them!
c) I compare processor speed, memory size and price - then I pick the one that comes in puce
9) Do words corrupt?
a) does "exfrapolate" count as a word?
b) I've always thought that words abnegate, but I was an orphan
c) "corrupt" is a word, so are you asking if words word? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Except, maybe, to Tea Party Republicans...
10) Behavioural economists have suggested that applying peer pressure to people who are delinquent in their taxes can make them more amenable to paying up. Why is shaming becoming the dominant form of dealing with major economic cheats rather than, say, hefty fines and jail terms?
a) because studies of the behaviour of chickens in the corporate world shows shaming to be effective
b) it doesn't have to be either/or. I say shame them and fine them and throw them in jail. And, if that doesn't work, get out the Yahtzee!
c) you're not a member of the one per cent, are you?
11) The Ombudsman for Banking Services and Investment has announced that it will "name and shame" companies that do not comply with its rulings. (Where have we heard that before?) But, how do you shame people who have no shame?
a) with iridium tongs and a big gin and Bubonic
b) paint their cheeks red and pinch their private parts until they make a face like they've just swallowed a lemon - at least they'll look like they've been shamed
c) force them to live on Welfare - their shame will be generated on so many levels!
12) Why are women more religious than men?
a) you think I'm going to go anywhere near this question? I can't even begin to count the number of groups that I could offend by doing that!
b) seriously, there is no right answer to this question, just different degrees of failure epicness. I am sooooo not going there!
c) hormones - but you didn't hear that from me
d) other disclaimer
13) Hey, you got your Brominated Vegetable Oil in my Gatorade! No, you got your Gatorade in my Brominated Vegetable Oil! Umm, but, seriously, what is a flame retardant doing in an energy drink?
a) well, duh! Keeping it from catching on fire, of course!
b) it's there for flavouring (otherwise, the energy drink would taste like motor oil and despair)
c) the backstroke
14) Whatever will happen to Mitt Romney now that he has lost his bid for President?
a) he will cry into his blind trust
b) he will return to Bain Capital and - ahem - "liberate" untapped resources in corporations for decades to come, his legend growing with each hostile takeover
c) nobody knows for sure, and fewer people care, but it's darned neighbourly of you to be concerned, friend
15) According to the Globe and Mail, the Grey Cup is about more than sport. What is it about?
a) a law and order agenda with added exfrapolation (at taxpayer cost, we might add...but won't)
b) a Herculean voyage of self-discovery on a Scroogerly budget
c) life, liberty and the pursuit of a two point touchdown conversion
16) Why did Carney cross the ocean?
a) To get to the economic disaster on the other side.
b) Every circus needs at least one competent Carney.
c) To get away from Timothy Geithner.
17) Canada's international reputation has never been better. To what can we attribute this?
a) our strident condemnation of the 138 countries that voted to grant the Palestinian Authority observer status at the United Nations
b) being the only country that withdrew from the Kyoto Protocol and blocking any environmental regulation that would interfere with tar sands oil extraction
c) nostalgia
d) all of the above
18) A recently released list of Canada's wealthiest people showed that, combined, they are worth $52.1 billion. What can you get for $52.1 billion?
a) peace of mind
b) a piece of the government
c) split pea soup
19) What is your biggest regret?
a) having the 17th puff pastry - it almost spoiled my Thanksgiving meal!
b) regrets? Bugger regrets! I have an economy to run into the ground! I'll have regrets when I have time for self-reflection...like that'll ever happen!
c) using my telekinetic powers to kill all of the popular kids at the prom because they dumped pig's blood on my head - I mean, I could have just used my powers to get the blood off my dress and laughed about it with everybody...well, maybe after just a little mayhem I could have laughed about it...with whoever was left alive...uhh, is it too late to change my answer to something about puff pastries?
d) other
20) Vladimir Putin is looking for a "national idea" that will consolidate Russia around his rule. What should he go for?
a) "One size fits all."
b) "It isn't a party until someone gets stabbed in the head with an ice pick."
c) I don't know what Vladimir Putin's national idea will ultimately be, but I'm telling any relatives I may still have in Russia to get out while they can...
