It's not exactly Cirque de Soleil, but then Tampa ain't Paris, so we take what we can get when the Republican nominating convention comes to town. And, what better way to start than with a man putting his head in a lion's mouth...
So, here's how it works: when a woman is violently forced to have sex, her body produces a hormone called pulleditouttamyassosol. Pulleditouttamyassosol reads the Congressional Record in such a droning monotone that it kills eggs with boredom before they have a chance to be fertilized. Thus, women who get raped are immune to becoming pregnant.
Pulleditouttamyassosol is controversial. In men, it is correlated with high levels of testosterone, and seems to contribute to them making statements not grounded in any sort of reality. Republican Representative Todd Akin, currently running for a Senate seat in Missouri, may have been suffering from excess Pulleditouttamyassosol when he made his remarks about "legitimate rape" (as opposed to all those phony rapes that one hears so much about these days).
In other words, crazy. But, by no means alone. Consider the next act, a sad ballerina...
Of course, you could fill a book with the names of the people whom Ann Coulter officially hates. Lord knows, she has.
And, what circus would be complete without a clown?
Finally! A Republican who unambiguously repudiates Todd Akin's position. Of course, Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan's statement would have more credibility if he hadn't sponsored two bills in Congress that limited abortions to victims of "forcible rape." You'd kind of need an electron microscope to split that hair! Or, how about the 37 other bills he sponsored that used various methods and terminology to limit abortion, many even in cases of rape?
Hmmm... Why are Republicans coming down so hard on Akin when they often hold suspiciously similar positions? I have a theory (if you don't mind my using the terminology of science). You see, there's this magic fabric - let's not call it underwear, let's just suggest that image to you - that divides what Republicans tell their base from what they tell the public. Akin has soiled that...fabric by giving the base message (in every sense of the word) to the general public.
Now, if you would please direct your attention to the high wire above the stage. No, that was not really a request. Look up at the daring young lady on the flying trapeze. Look! Look up! Look now!
Of course, Sarah Palin knows all about stepping aside from her self-desire...unless this statement was a ploy to remind the public that she has books to sell. Or, maybe she wanted the opportunity to justify quitting as Governor of Alaska - sometimes you have to take one for the team, even if it means quitting a job you were ill-suited for and aren't really enjoying. You know. In order to progress a positive agenda. Quitting - sometimes it's the American way. Or, maybe she just doesn't like men named Todd any more.
Honestly, Palin preaching self-sacrifice? That's like Darth Vader telling Dick Cheney that maybe he should try to understand his political enemies instead of destroying them!
Now that the show is half over, it's probably time for the ringmaster to show up. Or, at least, somebody who considers himself the ringmaster...
EARTH TO PLANET LIMBAUGH! EARTH CALLING LIMBAUGH! DO YOU READ ME, OVER? PLANET LIMBAUGH DO YOU READ ME, O - never mind. The gravitational pull of an ego that large makes it nearly impossible for sense to enter.
I mean, seriously? Rush, you can't go five minutes without telling somebody what they should do. You start to cough and your face turns red and you start beating your chest. When was the last time you had your Pulleditouttamyassosol levels checked? Seriously! You need to see a doctor about that - it's not a charming quirk, it's a condition.
Oh, wait. Here comes another wannabe ringmaster...
Well, he would say something like that, wouldn't he? Romney is the quantum candidate whose position on any issue depends on nobody determining which side of the magic fabric he's on by actually looking into the crate. And, if anybody tries, he'll claim they're playing dirty politics and the subject should be off limits and next question please - I said NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE!
Of course, no circus would be complete without a clown...
Now, when you say that, are you saying that denying birth control to women is off the table as an option, or that nobody needs to "propose" it because they are already carrying it out? Like the state of Texas, whose law defunding Planned Parenthood, a key supplier of contraception, was recently upheld by the courts? Ah, the Lone Star State, which forces women to go to Mexico for morning after pills that could kill them because legislators believe in the sanctity of life. But, of course, Texas isn't the only -
Hey! Hold up a second! Paul Ryan, is that you again? You must want to get into the Bag of Crazy in the worst way.
Congratulations. You've succeeded.
