"...study suggests that sitting down while peeing is actually healthier for men."
"I'll bet it makes writing their names in the snow harder, though."
"Oddly enough, the study doesn't address that issue."
"If you had bad handwriting to begin with, would sitting down while writing your name in the snow make it more legible?"
"I wouldn't know. I use a rubber stamp to sign all my important documents."
"Course, it would make your bum really cold..."
"Okay. I'm Dante 'Dick' Roverside..."
"And, I'm Evan 'Dick' Lamanchuk..."
"And, you're listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM - Big DICK Radio. We could continue to talk about men's prostrate health, or we could take another request."
"I know which one I would like."
"I bet you do - that's why I'm in charge. Martha from Montreal, you're on the air. What would you like to hear?"
"Hi, Dick. You know, I remember the 1960s like they were only yesterday. Problem is, I can't remember yesterday."
"Memory is funny that way. Do you remember what you would like to request?"
"I remember Wavy Gravy turning into a six foot butterfly and pooping all over The Who from the rafters of the stage."
"Okay, well, thanks for calling. We -"
"I'd like to request 'Peace Train,' please, Dick."
"'Peace Train?'"
"'Peace Train!'"
"'Peace Train.' Yes."
"By Cat Stevens?"
"'Peace Train' by Cat Stevens. That's right."
"I think somebody is unclear on the concept, Dick."
"Perhaps you should explain it to her, Dick."
"I would, only...I left my dickie in the dry cleaners, and I'm terribly upset about it."
"Too upset to explain the musical theme of the weekend?"
"Exactly."
"You don't understand the musical theme of the weekend, do you, Dick?"
"Of course I do! I...I'm just - it's my dickie. I promised it to my first born son when he comes of age, and I -"
"Look. It's the Support Death and Destruction by Supporting The Troops Classic Rock Canada Day Weekend. I know that's a lot of words, but they are all easy enough to comprehend on their own, so what is there not to get when you put them all together?"
"I remember when Abby Hoffman turned into a five foot six butterfly and pooped all over the Pentagon, Dick."
"Memory sure is a funny thing, Martha. They say if you remember Wavy Gravy pooping on The Who, you probably weren't the one who needed to take a shower afterwards."
"Okay. We have another caller on the line. Martin from Manitoulin. What can we -"
"HOLY [BLEEP], DICK! BODY PARTS EXPLODING ALL OVER THE [BLEEP]ING PLACE! BLOOD RUNNING IN THE STREETS! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
"So, you would say you support our troops?"
"Yeah, whatever, man."
"And, uhh, you would like to request a song?"
"[BLEEP], yeah! I'd like to hear 'Masters of War' by Bob Dylan, Dick!"
"Is this another one of those 'unclear on the concept' moments, Dick?"
"They do seem to proliferate with an aging listenership, Dick. Martin, you do know that 'Masters of War' is actually an anti-war song, right?"
"It is?"
"As anti-war as Jane Fonda in Bermuda shorts."
"Oh. Well. But, it's still an awesome song."
"Okay, I think I know where the problem is. People hear 'Support Death and Destruction by Supporting The Troops Classic Rock Canada Day Weekend,' and they assume that the song they request has to be about war. It doesn't. In fact, given some of the recent choices, we'd prefer it if it wasn't. If you know somebody in the military, or somebody who would like to be in the military or have just ever seen a war film, you can dedicate it to that."
"It's the spirit of death and destruction that we're really celebrating this weekend."
"Exactly. Ah - here we go. We've got Melvin from Moncton. Melvin's brother did two tours of Afghanistan. Do you have a dedication, Melvin?"
"Yeah, I'd like to dedicate a song to the dumbass bastards at Whorus Entertainment who support the war-mongering Conservative government's glorification of death, destruction and human suffering!"
"I'm sensing a little hostility, there, Dick."
"It's a wonder you aren't a television psychic, Dick."
"I'm sensing a little sarcasm, there, Dick."
"When my brother came back from Afghanistan, he wasn't quite...right in the head, you know what I mean? He wouldn't talk about what he had done in Afghanistan, but we got the feeling it was something really horrible. Three days ago, he put a gun in his mouth and ate a bullet."
"That doesn't sound very tasty."
"Dick..."
"Maybe if he put some ketchup on it first...?"
"DICK!"
"War is evil. It destroys those who fight it as well as those who die in it. And, your support the troops bullshit is evil if it glorifies war and puts more of our citizens in harm's way. Bastards."
"Ooookay, I'm Dante 'Dick' Roverside..."
"And, I'm Evan 'Dick' Lamanchuk..."
"And, you're listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM - Big DICK Radio. We'll get to more of your requests on the Support Death and Destruction by Supporting The Troops Classic Rock Canada Day Weekend in a moment. In the meantime, let's listen to... 'Brothers in Arms' by Dire Straits..."