The Tyrannosaurus Rex Appreciators.
The Tie-dyed Scarf Agency.
3. No, seriously, what does TSA stand for?
Nothing, really. Those people have no patience - they won't stand for anything.
4. *SIGH* Doesn't TSA stand for Transportation Security Administration?
You're no fun. You sure you don't work for the TSA?
Make the United States safe from another terrorist attack from the sky by making it so unpleasant for ordinary people to fly that they will find an alternative. In an ideal world, planes will be safe because no civilians will actually fly on them.
Several ways. For one thing, it issues a list of things people are not allowed to carry on to airplanes. These items include: snow globes, toenail clippers, bottles of shampoo for greasy oily borderline disgusting wrestler's hair, 20 yards or more of fire hose, a partridge in a pear tree, snow globes with floating fish, laptops running Windows 2007 or earlier, Bob Dylan albums after he went electric, Faberge eggs, fencing foils, emus, pirate accents, snow globes with floating stars and a baby's arm holding an apple.
It makes travelers in airports take off their belts and shoes.
TSA officials are too cheap to pay for drinks at strip clubs. Although, to be fair, the drinks are usually watered down beyond all recognition.
9. Does the TSA do anything else?
Of course! No measure is too obscure or too embarrassing to keep America's skies safe! Scanners in airports see everything about travelers down to the molecular level. Rumours have it that the government is considering selling the scanners to the Vatican; the Church could then install them in front of Confessional booths to get a quick sense of the state of parishioners' souls. Of course, if the scanners were hooked up to three dimensional copiers, you would have a crude transporter. Who says the government isn't looking towards the future?
Naah. They just take nude pictures of people. That TSA workers throughout the country can trade like baseball cards. I'll trade you my naked Joe Dimaggio for a completely undressed Joe Carter - just substitute your parents for the baseball players.
11. What if I don't want the TSA to have nude pictures of me?
You are perfectly within your rights. You simply tell the TSA agent at the gate that you do not want to go through the scanner, and they will happily give you a full body pat down, also known as the Subway Rush Hour Grope Fest.
12. Ugh. I've been on a subway during rush hour - I was black and blue for a month! What if I don't want to go through the scanner or be subjected to the pat down?
You can always fly by Amtrak.
13. Does the TSA still maintain a no-fly list?
Do chipmunks still have blue eyes?
Good. Great. Couldn't be better.
Well, uhh, an 18 month-old girl named Riyanna and her parents were forced to get off a Jet Blue flight when her name was found on the no-fly list. But, uhh, be fair - she could have been carrying a diaper bomb!
16. Is that the worst thing that the TSA has done?
Weeeellll...there was the 95 year-old woman whose Depend undergarment was, according to a TSA agent, "wet and firm" and had to be checked thoroughly. She was only allowed to get on her plane without underwear. But, uhh, be fair - she could have been carrying an adult diaper bomb!
17. Is that the worst thing that the TSA has done?
Does patting down a seven year-old girl with cerebral palsy because she couldn't walk through metal detectors because of her orthotics and crutches count towards the worst?
Well, that happened, then.
19. Have we finally determined the worst thing that the TSA has done?
Yes! Well...probably. Possibly. I don't know any more. I mean, there was the incident at the Newark Airport where parents passed a baby back and forth as they went through the metal detectors. By the time TSA agents realized that the baby hadn't been given an individual screening, they couldn't locate the family. So, the TSA did the only logical thing they could think of: they evacuated the entire terminal and rescreened everybody, delaying passengers for hours. I guess you, umm, would want that on the list. Yeah. Okay. That's definitely going on the list. Un hunh.
20. Why? Why should ordinary Americans be subjected to such humiliating, dehumanizing attacks on their individual liberties?
Because if we don't do it, the terrorists will win.