Headlines Minded the Gap, and Look Where it Got Them!

A Thousand Comics Are Grateful To Modern Science

"Cheney gets new heart" - Toronto Star

So There's More Environment For It To Destroy

"Dupont helping others to achieve sustainability" - Globe and Mail

Their Fictional Nature Explains State Of The World

"Dragon babies bring good fortune" - Toronto Star

Sorry, Folks: He Wasn't Talking About The Court Decision Legalizing Brothels

"New deal for recreation workers is 'win win': Ford" - National Post

Their First Lesson: Geography

"University leaders urge students to go West. East. Anywhere. Just go" - Globe and Mail

I Am Alerted By The Increasing Number Of Grammatical Errors In Headlines

"Killer alarms France to domestic radicals" - Globe and Mail

Retailing Is About Taking It Away

"'Advertising is about creating hope'" - Toronto Star

Not A Problem – The Public Sector Will Pick Up The Slack

"Mazda plans U.S. buyouts, job cuts" - Globe and Mail

 "Hasbro cuts jobs in Canada, U.S." - Globe and Mail

 "Summit acquisition sparks Lions Gate to reduce its staff by 12%" - National post

"Slots pulled from tracks
Hundreds of jobs lost as OLG program ends in Fort Erie, Windsor and Sarnia" - Toronto Star

 "Barclay's to cut 200 support jobs in U.K. - Globe and Mail

 "Rogers laying off up to 300 workers" - Globe and Mail

 "IBM said to cut more than 1,000 jobs" - Globe and Mail

 "2,000 workers to lose jobs in latest purge at Yahoo" - Toronto Star

 "Air Canada defends shutdown of Aveos
Closing of aircraft maintenance service means 2,600 jobs lost" - Toronto Star

 "Sony seen axing 10,000 job to end losses" - Toronto Star

Oh. Uhh...Well, At Least Essential Services Are Safe

"Statscan to chop surveys, staff
Sacrifices ahead as budget cuts strike twice – slashing both agency and other departments that buy data" - Toronto Star

 "Hydro lays off 48 more" - Toronto Star

 "Ottawa axes 190 language training jobs" - Toronto Star

 "Pearson security screeners laid off
Union blames federal cuts, raises safety concerns as nearly 300 get pink slips" - Toronto Star

 "Board axing 430 education assistants" - Toronto Star

 "CBC to cut 650 jobs in an attempt to make up $200-million shortfall" - Globe and Mail

 "700 Environment Canada jobs on chopping block" - Toronto Star

 "Doomsday border fears over job losses
Elimination of 1,000 positions will increase crime, union says" - Toronto Star

 "City to issue up to 1,190 pink slips, most of them to unionized staff
Buyouts and unfulfilled vacancies will take the total number of job cuts to 2,338" - Globe and Mail

 "7,000 public servants get the axe
2,200 in Ottawa alone, as food inspection, border in federal cuts" - Toronto Star

Okay – I'm Ready To Start Panicking Now

"Mass police, firefighter layoffs begin in Camden" - New Jersey Real Time News

 "Police cuts would hurt city, say Calgary groups" - CBC News

 "Oakland talks break down; layoffs for 80 cops" - SFGate.com

 "900 jobs to go in police cuts" - The Independent

"Mayor wants $300,000 in police cuts" - Peterborough Examiner

Step One: Ignore Advice Of Journalists Whose Negative Reporting Caused Decline In First Place

"STATE OF THE UNIONS
They're increasingly seen as greedy and coddled. Can organized labour find a way to defend not just its members, but its very existence?" - Globe and Mail

That's What I Love About Conrad Black: His Restraint

"A WORD OR TWO FOR MY IGNORANT CRITICS" - National Post

Headline Writer Use Good English Once Again

"The power of the lab in an hour
Ottawa-based researchers brings genetic testing to the patient's bedside, matching them with the right drug, right away" - Globe and Mail

 We Can't Even Soil Our Own Subways Properly!
(Although, To Be Fair, Torontonians Do Try)

"Brit whizzes through TTC subway stations" - Toronto Star

Innovation? In No...Vacation!

"Innovation Canada
Evidence supports growing case for R&D investments" - Globe and Mail special section

 "Can Ottawa spark innovation? It hasn't yet" - Globe and Mail news section

That's What I Love About Conrad Black's Newspaper: Its Restraint

"Not a far cry from Stalin's movement" - National Post

Why Do You Think We Brag About Them In Our Weekly Newsletter? Syria Responds

"Syria warned as 100 killed
Regime's violations of coming ceasefire can't be hidden, U. S. says" - Toronto Star

Then, Hate Yourself To Complete The Circle

"Banks: hate them but own them" - National Post

Canada Flexes Its Pimple

"We'll sell oil to Asia, PM warns U.S.
Keystone delay leaves Canada with no choice but to look for other markets, Harper says" - Toronto Star

 They Make Fun Of You Behind Your Back And Will Sleep With Your Wife If You Don't Watch Them Like A Hawk?
No Wonder The Economy Is In Such Sad Shape

"Advisors are like limo drivers" - National Post

 Suppliers Blame Government For Canada-US Price Gap
Government Blames Retailers For Canada-US Price Gap
And The Circle Is Complete

"Retailers blame suppliers for Canada-U.S. price gap" - Globe and Mail

As, Apparently, Are The Delights Of Proper Subject/Verb Agreement

"Diamond days
Summer used to mean pickup baseball in the park until dark, but the delights of the thinking man's game is lost on youth" - Toronto Star

How Are We Supposed To Do That When There Won't Be An Election For Three Years!

"THE REAL DIRT
Show those weeds who's in charge" - Toronto Star

Don't Trust Them To Stop Punishing You When You Say Your Safe Word

"The case of the deviant dividends" - National Post

 And, Godzilla Stomps Its Way Through Your Tax Form
Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

"Frankenstein lurks in your hydro bill" - Toronto Star

 STEP ONE: Identify Rich
STEP TWO: Raise Their Taxes
Sounds Pretty Easy To Me

"Taxing the rich: Not as easy as it sounds" - Globe and Mail

The International Community Is Surprised...For Some Reason...

"Protesters killed despite ceasefire" - Toronto Star, April 14

 "Shelling, shooting as Syria ceasefire unravels" - Toronto Star, April 17

 "UN adds 270 monitors in bid to end bloodshed
Observers heading to violence-ravaged areas of Syria" - Toronto Star, April 22

But, If You Try To Wear A Miniskirt MADE Out Of Leather, We Will Mock You Mercilessly

"YES, YOU CAN WEAR A MINISKIRT" - Toronto Star

 "WEAR LEATHER" - Toronto Star

Because Your Gut Is More Likely To Be Right Than People Building On Thousands Of Years Of Knowledge

"Dare to question establishment science" - National Post

Live To See 13

"Skim a stone. Hunt for bugs.
The bucket list for kids under 12" - Globe and Mail

And, When They Realize That The Two Will Cancel Each Other Out, They'll Take Out Their Rage On Whichever Politician Happens To Be Handiest

"Tax breaks and road tolls on mighty middle's mind" - Toronto Star