PIERS MORGAN: Hello, Ricky.
RICKY GERVAIS: Hello, Piers.
MORGAN: Did you see the parody of me on Saturday Night Live, Ricky? It wasn't especially accomplished - or, for that matter, funny - but it does show that I have arrived on America's radar, doesn't it?
GERVAIS: Can you believe I was asked to host the Golden Globe Awards, Piers? Or, that they asked me back a second time despite my best efforts to offend everybody in Hollywood?
MORGAN: It's a great time to be a Brit in America, isn't it, Ricky?
GERVAIS: It certainly is, Piers.
MORGAN: Do you think they're finally over the whole revolution thing, Ricky?
GERVAIS: I think it's the accents, Piers. Americans are suckers for the most nobby gits as long as they speak proper English.
MORGAN: Interesting. Alright. Enough preliminary chitter chatter. Time to get to the serious, in-depth journalistic questions.
GERVAIS: Fire away.
MORGAN: Ricky, what do you think of Whitney Houston's death?
GERVAIS: That's your serious, in-depth journalistic question?
MORGAN: One of them, yes?
GERVAIS: Why ask me?
MORGAN: We've been covering Whitney's death all day.
GERVAIS: But, it's not like I knew her or anything.
MORGAN: Still, everybody has an opinion.
GERVAIS: What can I say? She was a beautiful woman with a great voice, and it's a shame she died so young. If I say anything other than that, your audience will lynch me.
MORGAN: That's probably an exaggera -
GERVAIS: I mean, this isn't the Fox Web site, where anonymous readers can applaud her death and say that's one less nig -
MORGAN: Watch it! NewsCorp is not responsible for the opinions of its readers, laddo.
GERVAIS: No, laddo, but you would think it would notice hundreds of the racist bastards in its comments section. It's not like they were hiding - the five or six hundred of them...
MORGAN: Ahh, umm...but, well, errr...how do you really feel about Whitney Houston's death?
GERVAIS: Deep down?
MORGAN: Yeah.
GERVAIS: No bullshit?
MORGAN: Absolutely.
GERVAIS: She was a beautiful woman with a great voice, and it's a shame she died so young.
PAUSE
MORGAN: If you had to choose between being a hash brownie and a strawberry-scented vibrator, which would you rather be?
GERVAIS: You what?
MORGAN: If you had to choose between being a hash brownie and -
GERVAIS: I heard the question. I heard the bloody question. I - seriously? You're a grown man on a major cable news network, and that is the bloody question you want to ask a guest?
MORGAN: It's a fair question.
GERVAIS: It's shite. It's celebrity softball asskissing shite.
MORGAN: That's what you think?
GERVAIS: Yeah.
MORGAN: Okay, then. How do you feel about Steve Carell?
GERVAIS: He's a funny, lovely man.
MORGAN: Don't you hate the American version of The Office, though?
GERVAIS: Why would I?
MORGAN: It's been a phenomenal success - on the air for years. What have you done in that time? The Invention of Lying? Did anybody actually see that film? Ghost Town?
GERVAIS: Oh, so that's the way you want to play the interview, is it? Because, those were good films.
MORGAN: But, not as popular as the American version of The Office.
GERVAIS: Right. Right. In that time, I also did The Ricky Gervais Show and An Idiot Abroad, both of which did very well.
MORGAN: But, not as well as the American version of The Office.
GERVAIS: I'm sorry, but this is what you now think is a serious interview?
MORGAN: What do you mean?
GERVAIS: I mean: the world economy is falling apart and Israel wants the United States to go to war with Iran on top of all of its other wars -declared and undeclared - and you have me on your show to take the piss out of my career? Seriously, Piers - don't you miss being a journalist? Even a little?
MORGAN: Now, wait just a minute -
GERVAIS: I liked you better when you were editing The Sun. At least hacking into the phones of celebrities showed a little imagination, you know? A little...initiative?
MORGAN: Look, mate. The phone hacking happened at News of the World!
GERVAIS: You're right. You're right. The reporters from The Sun were called in by the police to answer questions about bribing cops to get dirt on crime victims. On the other hand, you were also an editor at News of the World. Which do you think won't be as hard to defend? Your choice. Mate.
MORGAN: You never answered my question.
GERVAIS: Fair dos - you never answered mine.
PAUSE
GERVAIS: So, you think this is gonna make your 20th anniversary best of show?
MORGAN: Not a chance, mate.
GERVAIS: Because you didn't like the interview, or because you don't expect to have a 20th anniversary?
MORGAN: Oh, are you still here? WHY HAVEN'T WE GONE TO A COMMERCIAL YET?
I WANTED: the Ricky Gervais of the The Ricky Gervais Show. I WOULD HAVE SETTLED FOR: the Ricky Gervais of first Golden Globes broadcast. I GOT: the Ricky Gervais of the second Golden Globes broadcast. Sigh.