Herman Cain is a tall fellow with green skin and bolts coming out of his neck who knows nothing about foreign policy and whose domestic policies are insane, so, naturally he is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for...oh, wait. That's not Hermain Cain. That's Herman Munster. Herman Cain is...a tall fellow with brown skin and steam coming out of his ears who knows nothing about foreign policy and whose domestic policies are insane, so, naturally he is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President.
2) Why do you say he knows nothing about foreign policy?
And, I quote: "When they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I'm going to say, you know, I don't know. Do you know?" That's just crazy. Everybody knows the name of the country is Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan - where did that extra beki come from?
3) The Adventures of Tom Sawyer?
You know, literary puns are the lowest form of intellectual humour.
4) Sorry. Why do you say his domestic policies are insane?
You know how the Republicans threatened to shut down government if the Democrats raised taxes on a single person? Herman Cain's plan for a flat tax would raise taxes on 60 per cent of Americans.
5) Cain has said that his 9-9-9 flat tax plan has been misrepresented - isn't that the case?
Hmm...you have a point. The number was rounded up - his flat tax plan would only raise the taxes of 57 per cent of Americans.
6) Rick Perry, another candidate for the Republican nomination, has embraced the idea of a flat tax. Doesn't this show that the idea has merit?
No. It shows that political desperation makes for strange bedfellows. (And, wouldn't you love to hear the pillow talk between those two?)
7) What other domestic policies has Cain espoused?
He wants to put an electrified fence along the US/Mexico border. That way, if he doesn't get the nomination, he can always open a chain of KFM restaurants in the south.
Kentucky Fried Mexicans.
9) That's an image that's gonna stay with me - thanks. Has Cain taken a position on any red meat Republican issues?
Yes. He has said that he hates abortion. Hates it. Hates it. Hates it. Hates it. Hates it with a passion. Hates it with a cherry on top. Hates it more than he hates blue suede shoes, and Herman Cain has lost no love for blue suede shoes over the years. He is totally against it. So, naturally, the federal government should not be regulating it.
Exactly.
11) Hmm...could Cain's lead be the result of charm and personal charisma?
And, I quote: "African-Americans have been brainwashed into not being open minded, not even considering a conservative point of view. I have received some of that same vitriol simply because I am running for the Republican nomination as a conservative. So it's just brainwashing and people not being open minded, pure and simple." Would you consider insulting the people you want to vote for you charming or part of somebody's personal charisma?
12) I suppose the allegations that Cain sexually harassed two women when he was head of the National Restaurant Association can't help his campaign, right?
No. No. Absolutely wrong. Getting the allegations out of the way this early in the campaign was a stroke of genius; if he's still in the race a month from now, he can say the allegations are old news. It's a brilliant campaign strategy: Cain has been pre-scandalled!
13) Oh. Okay. Cain does not seem to have much infrastructure in primary states he needs to win to snag the nomination. Why does he seem so confident?
Oh, he has all the support he needs.
Charles and David Koch.
15) Really? The kajillionaire oil barons?
Don't make them out to be more than they are. They're only kabillionaire oil barons.
16) What makes you think Herman Cain has the support of the Koch brothers?
Well, you know how <nudge nudge> the Koch brothers are not behind <wink wink> Americans for Prosperity, which is an actual <nudge nudge>, honest to the deity of your choice <wink wink> grassroots political movement? Well, four or five former Americans for Prosperity workers are now senior Cain campaign advisers <SAY. NO. MORE!>.
Oh, and Cain, himself, worked for Americans for Prosperity after he left Godfather's Pizza. (That's Godfather's Pizza: Thirty Minutes or Fuggedaboutit!) Apparently, he and senior management had a falling out over the proper lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine."
How strong is your stomach?
19) When you add all of this up, Cain's run for the Republican nomination for president looks like a con game. Who -
Or a book publicity ploy. It's difficult, sometimes, to tell the difference between the two.
20) Either way, who would fall for it?
There is a time-honoured tradition in politics: if you look around the table and nobody is wearing a Cain for President button, the mark is you.