What the Heck Do You Know? Did Not Know the Song "Police On My Back" Was Written by the Equals
1) How much fits into a Ford Fiesta?
a) six coolers of cuttlefish and enough seafood sauce to last a month and a half
b) two pocket universes and a serious quantum entanglement
c) nothing if it's gay
2) What was the point of Cars 2?
a) Pixar wanted to disprove the wisdom that a sequel always sucks if it doesn't have Paul Newman in it
b) John Lassiter wanted to know what it would be like to fill his backyard swimming pool with hundred dollar bills
c) saving the world from Yugos! (You should really pay more attention - it's not like the theme of the film was subtle)
3) The United States military spends around $20 billion annually on air conditioning in Iraq and Afghanistan. Annually. As in: every year. The fuel has to be shipped to Karachi, Pakistan, and then driven 800 miles to - well, I'll spare you the details. What could this money be spent on?
a) it could double NASA's budget
b) it could double the amount the G8 has pledged to help foster new democracies in Egypt and Tunisia
c) it could keep me in toothpaste and underwear for the next 1,027 years
d) other
4) Match the official cause of death of a prisoner in a Chinese jail with the physical evidence provided by an autopsy of what actually happened.
a) "being handed toilet paper"
b) "playing hide and seek"
c) "drinking hot water"
i) a spike had been driven through his heart
ii) his testicles were crushed and his chest set on fire
iii) he was poked with an umbrella containing a deadly radioactive isotope that caused his internal organs to turn to pudding
5) Why do married men cheat with ugly women?
a) so Emunah La-Paz can have something to write about
b) be thankful that they do! If they didn't, Kouzmeschshtistan would have no birth rate at all!
c) low self-esteem has got to be a part of it - we're just not sure who's part (but, that's what government research grants are for...)
6) Why has the Conservative government pumped up the role of soldiers in citizenship ceremonies?
a) to make new citizens who are refugees from wars feel more at home
b) to put a spotlight on the Conservatives' core values of death and destruction
c) the Tories could never resist a man in uniform - can you?
7) Toronto City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti videotaped the Dyke March (which was part of the Gay Pride festivities) in the hope of catching somebody, anybody who supported Palestinian rights. What should his next assignment be?
a) videotaping the Santa Claus parade to see if it is being infiltrated by atheists
b) videotaping the Maple Leafs Stanley Cup victory parade to see if any Montreal Canadiens supporters show up (he may have to wait a long time...)
c) his own show on Sun (But Never Fun) TV
8) Captain America will have a different name when it is released in countries that are...less than 100 per cent in love with the United States. What will it be called in those countries?
a) Captain Capitalist Scum of the Earth
b) Captain Always Has to Stick His Nose Where It Doesn't Belong Bloody America
c) Mildred
9) Congressional Democrats have said that they absolutely, categorically will not accept cuts to social programmes like Social Security or Medicare in order to resolve the debt ceiling impasse. If it comes to a vote, they will completely, utterly and with no question oppose it. Given this, what reason will they give for collapsing and voting for it?
a) universal heat death
b) Tuesday
c) Mildred
10) Fill in the blank: "Addressing issues of income equality and social justice is absolutely necessary and should be regarded as an essential step in moving the _____________ economy from raw capitalism to a more civilized society."
a) Suriname
b) Bulgaria
c) Kazakhstan
d) United States
e) Kenya
f) Poland
g) Saudi Arabia
h) Greece
i) Angola
j) Syria
k) all of the above
l) one of 170 or so others
11) Did you leave your pet in your will?
a) yes
b) no
c) let's see...I grew up in a house full of cats and dogs, so I always loved animals...I wasn't allowed to have pets when I was at university, so, when I met the person of my dreams and fell in love and married and had children, we made sure to fill the house with cats (my mate is allergic to dogs - go figure)...hmm, what next? The kids grew up and moved away, my mate and I divorced and the cats were a great comfort to me as I grew older, and the...then...then, oh yeah, I DIED! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME NOW?
12) Rob Ford is the Mayor of Toronto, but his brother Doug seems to make all of the public announcements about the municipal government's policies. Why didn't Doug run for Mayor himself?
a) when he was growing up, Doug always wanted to be a ventriloquist; this may be the closest he will ever come
b) Doug has a hair trigger (he bought the gun at a novelty shop - don't ask), which made him less likely to be focus-grouped into a victory
c) guess we won't know until the indictments are made public...
13) The Communications Security Establishment of Canada (CSEC) is now using "information about Canadians" to zero in on foreign threats, even though it is prohibited from monitoring Canadian citizens. Not to worry! According to spokesperson Adrian Simpson, "CSEC is extremely diligent when it comes to the privacy of Canadians." How does this diligence manifest itself?
a) they only listen in on the private telephone conversations of bad people
b) when they pass around nude photos that they found in some poor schlub's email account, they hardly ever include the person's name (unless it's a matter of national security, of course)
c) every 17.326 years they do an internal audit of their privacy procedures to ensure that no violations of their privacy protocols are made public
14) What is Avogadro's Number?
a) the amount of women Avogadro has slept with (it may be on the small side, but at least it's bigger than Planck's Constant!)
b) the number of ways people have misspelled Avogardo
c) what? Do I look like a physics nerd to you? Have you never heard of Wikipedia? What? What are you saying? Well...yeah, okay, I may be a little unclear on the concept of a current events quiz...
15) So, what's the take-away on life, anyway?
a) sweet and sour spare ribs, beef and broccoli and chicken fried rice
b) never try to smuggle a hermit crab through Customs in your shorts
c) do unto others as you would have them eat dog world (I, umm, may have been distracted at a crucial moment, but I have thousands of additional lives to get it right...)
d) other
16) A company called W. Spann was founded, gave one million dollars to a Political Action Committee of Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and was disincorporated. Where did the money come from and why did the donor take this circuitous route to avoid being discovered?
a) Elvis, who didn't want his continued existence to be made public
b) Hal 9000: although now a respected Wall Street arbitrager, Hal had a shady past that is rumoured to have involved murdering astronauts on an aborted space mission, and he didn't want this to get in the way of Romney's message
c) R&P LLC (formerly Rapers and Pillagers International Inc.), which supports Romney even though he made the mistake of saying to a hostile crowd: "Soylent Green is corporations! SOYLENT GREEN IS CORPORATIONS!"
17) My knee replacement is faulty. What is my best option?
a) have a replacement for your other knee so that the pain can be distributed evenly between your legs
b) stop walking
c) what? You want to pit your puny personal finances against the legal resources of a major medical corporation? Is that where you're going with this question? Well, good luck with that! Do yourself a favour and stop walking while you still have one good leg not to walk on!
18) How does passing an anti-abortion bill help the jobless?
a) it creates the need for more positions at NARAL and the ACLU
b) it ensures that the jobless will have a lot of company (something, as we all know, that misery loves)
c) if Congress busies itself with social issue legislation, at least it isn't screwing up economic legislation...
19) Toronto City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti (him again?) has started a Web site to support Mayor Rob Ford, saying, "I will be monitoring their comments, and if I get a smell of communism, they're off the page." What, according to Mammoliti, does communism smell like?
a) coriander with just a hint of sulfur
b) you know what rotting shoes smell like after the family dog has buried them in the back yard for a couple of years and, after discovering them, you make the mistake of trying to burn them? Like that, only with less naive enthusiasm
c) napalm in the morning
20) An 83 year-old woman in Orange County, Florida, underwent breast augmentation surgery. What is an appropriate gift to send her while she is in recovery?
a) six coolers of cuttlefish and enough seafood sauce to last a month and a half
b) sweet and sour spare ribs, beef and broccoli and chicken fried rice
c) coriander with just a hint of sulfur
