The Column of Lists 6
Seven comic book noises that are obnoxiously grating as video arcade sound effects
1) kaboom!
2) fffffft-zing!
3) ping...ping...ping...ping...ka-powee!
4) theow, theow...the theow!
5) tchka tchka tchka tchka
6) blam bang blouie!
7) bam...bam...bam...bam...ka-chinka-chink...bam...bam...bam...pop!
Ten fascinating facts you can pick up in the May, 1986 issue of the Globe and Mail's Toronto Magazine
1) the number of people who lost phone service recently because of mud slides (9,000) was the largest since 1954, when 38,500 people lost phone service because of Hurricane Hazel
2) the first alligator brought to Toronto choked to death on a turtle after only three months here
3) Jamie Kennedy, partner-chef of Scaramouche, has been cooking since he was 12 years old
4) the postal code of the Toronto Symphony Orchestra is M5J 2M4
5) Janet Dey, planner of the CBC's proposed super-studio, believes the building has to have a "disciplined interface between the public and operations"
6) Irving Layton's attacks on Elspeth Cameron haven't helped the sales of either of their books
7) cosmetic surgery could be the growth industry of the 1990s
8) the foie gras free-for-all at the Prince hotel on November 7, 1985 was a historical moment
9) one can purchase a Wonder Tub for under $200
10) neighbourhoods are the main obstacle to the construction of the "city of the future"
Eight historical figures not noted for having had a nose job
1) Winston Churchill
2) Richard the Lion-hearted
3) Moses
4) Henry Ford
5) Cleopatra
6) Louis Riel
7) Napoleon Bonaparte
8) Thomas Jefferson
Eight things that go bump in the night
1) a pet knocking over that priceless Ming vase that you never got around to moving out of harm's way
2) two ships with far-sighted Captains not quite passing
3) your children, bumping into walls in the dark on their way to the television hooked in the Playboy Channel
4) the house falling apart (houses don't just settle)
5) Reagan's Second American Revolution and current fiscal realities
6) the pizza you had last night with double cheese, double pepperoni, double anchovies, double hot peppers and double chopped steak and the pit of your stomach
7) that terrifying tough guy film star impressionist, the Bogey Man
8) two solitudes
Ten days that should be holidays
1) Tacky Plastic Ashtray Day
2) International Help a Right Wing Latin American Dictator Day
3) Children's Day (well, there is a Mother's day and there is a Father's Day...)
4) June 22 (for no particular reason)
5) Junior Underachiever's Day
6) Enver Hoxha's birthday
7) my sister Lisa's birthday
8) Patronage Day (unless more scandals are forthcoming, in which case it may have to be expanded into an entire week)
9) Xerox Day (to be repeated the following day)
10) Thursday
Seven sports cliches that apply equally well to politics
1) there's no tomorrow
2) the team that wins is going to be the one that wants it more
3) the first mistake could tell the story
4) they were playing over their heads
5) there's always next year
6) if this keeps up, it could be a long night
7) Well, it's only a game
Nine things which, like smoking, selected Air Canada flights could well do without
1) turbulence
2) bad American light comedies from the 60s
3) stop-overs in countries undergoing a revolution
4) cheerful messages from the Captain assuring the passengers that everything is under control
5) cardboard meatloaf masquerading as steak
6) obnoxious babies
7) bad Canadian dramas from the 70s
8) being stacked up and circling endlessly waiting for a free runway on which to land
9) belly dancing
Eight things that'll put you to sleep faster than Sominex
1) listening to a Throne Speech
2) reading David Stockman's rationalizations explaining why the economic revolution he partially engineered failed miserably
3) counting fountain pens
4) the tenth time your uncle tell you about how he got his old sports injury
5) waiting fot the Russian government to admit it needs help
6) the film 9 1/2 Weeks
7) listening to Washington's denials of David Stockman's allegations of their part in the economic revolution that failed miserably
8) wondering where the dark comes from when you turn out the light
Six impossible things to do before breakfast
1) talk a member of the National Rifle Association into gun control
2) put your Cuisinart through the eye of a needle
3) get all 10 provincial Premiers to agree on anything
4) read this list without thinking of breakfast
5) get the drugs you just took out of your system before they are ready to go
6) define love to everybody's satisfaction, then find an example
